Illicit Intervention
by 217
Summary: Before the wives, before the mistresses, there was just one woman in Negan's life. Then, by chance, came another. What do you do when you're married, but find the love of your life after? Negan x OC / Negan x Lucille (Follows Negan before the outbreak and during) Updated weekly!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This story takes place before the outbreak and during it. From Negan's point of view.**

* * *

"Fuck!" My palm thrusts against the steering wheel in frustration when I remember I forgot Lucille's laundry list of shit at the grocery store. I lied to her at lunch, telling her I got the groceries to shut her yapping up.

 _Don't wait until after work, you'll forget._

Nag fuckity nag bitch bitch. If I take too long to circle back in town to get groceries, she'll know I lied then bitch about that, too.

There's this rundown supermarket on the outskirts of town I pass by but wouldn't dare step foot in normally. Probably have to fight off rats for produce. It doesn't even have some witty name. Just UPERMARK T. The letters have been missing for two years.

Yet, tonight, I don't have a choice.

I yawn and scratch my balls until I remember that I'm in line. Christ, this place is depressing and fucking filthy. Yes, this is coming from a grown man scratching his balls in public, but this place is disgusting. My lip turns upward watching this child run around barefoot in only a saggy diaper. Supermarket feet. Gross.

I scan the store, hopeful they'll open another register. I'm getting impatient. Lucille is going to rip me a new one. I should have been home forty-five minutes ago and this is taking forever! I thought young people moved fast but this girl is acting like she's got some flu fuckery.

She sneezes and blows her nose.

Alright, maybe she does have the flu. Great, and she's touching everything I'm going to be putting in my mouth.

When I get a better look, she's some frumpy looking girl. I really don't understand these millennials. Her shirt is a denim button up that looks like something I used to paint in on a Saturday. And I'm pretty sure she took her uncle's black horned rimmed oversized pervert glasses. Her nose is redder than her hair. She smells like hand sanitizer and vapor rub.

"Did you find everything ok, Sir?"

"Should you really be working sick like this? I ain't trying to catch whatever it is you're sneezing out."

She blinks several times. "You're my last customer, and I need the money-"

"Don't touch anything else, I'll do it." I bag my shit, put a twenty on the counter, and tell her I don't want any change. "Buy you a mask or some shit."

I set my groceries down by the payphone and dial Lucille. "It's-"

"Where the fuck have you been? Dinner is ruined, I'll have you know."

"I'm leaving now."

"Leaving her house?"

I grip the phone as my knuckles turn white. "I'm not seeing anyone. I told you-"

"Save it. I'm going out with Marlene."

I sigh and slam the phone against the cradle hook. "Fuck." And by Marlene, she means that dickhead with the boat three streets over. I'm not stupid. I almost plow right into someone as I turn to leave. It ends up being the checker girl. Her plastic bakery bag falls to the concrete and a single bagel rolls out.

"Sorry," she sniffles, putting the bagel back inside the sack and rounding the corner of the store.

Once I get to my car, I drive around aimlessly. Lucille has been going out more and more with the sailor these last few months. I need a fucking hobby. With it being right before the holidays, the gym is running a special. Why the hell not?

"Sigh here, and here," the woman tells me. "We close at ten."

Fine by me. Luckily, I have all my coaching stuff in my bag so I can change and start my work out tonight.

It's not as helpful as I thought because my mind races thinking about Lucille. Knowing what she's _really_ doing.

As I'm exiting the locker room, out of the female one comes the girl from the grocery store. I didn't see her in the gym. It ain't that big to begin with. She's showered. A giant colorful, children's camping bag is slung over her slim shoulder. She's still holding onto the sack with the bagel in it.

As I'm about to start my car, I see the cashier walk across the street and have a seat on the bench in the park. That's not safe, especially when you're hot. I mean, she might dress sloppy but I'd hit it. She's eating her floor bagel. Then drinks from the water bottle she filled in the gym. The park lights shut off on her once it's ten thirty.

I watch this daily routine of hers for over a month until I finally have the balls to go after her one night when the lights go out in the park.

Just as I figured. She's homeless. Now everything makes sense.

Her routine is quite tragic. She wakes up, packs her tent, then takes the tent to the gym with her belongings and, I assume, puts it into a locker in the ladies locker room. The gym is actually part of a hospital, and the hospital serves complimentary coffee, which she partakes in. She does her laundry in the morning at the laundromat and takes advantage of dryers that are unattended by sneaking her clothes in it. Then it's off to work until her shift is over, which she returns to the gym. Fills her bottle of water, collects her things, warms up until the gym closes, then to the park to eat her bagel or whatever discount bakery item she can get that doesn't require cooking before the lights shut off on her.

I'm without words. It's smart to use the gym but so fucking sad. It'd be sad for anyone but this girl is maybe twenty? Twenty-two-ish? I feel compelled to help her but what can I do? How do I tell her I just happened to be following you and noticed you're homeless.

It's not until a rainy Tuesday, that I find some common ground to talk to her. Her name tag says 'Vin'. What the hell? "Is your name like Vanessa or something," I blurt out. "That what Vin's short for?"

Her dark eyes meet mine. "If my name was Vanessa wouldn't it be Van for short?"

"Unless you stole that name tag."

She pats her pocket with the plastic identification on it. "I didn't steal this. They give these to you free when you start."

"Wow, that's some incentive," I reply sarcastically.

"It's just a name tag. You're weird." Vin scoots up her glasses with her knuckle. "Two seventeen, Sir."

I'm weird? Ok, I am if you think about it. I already have thirty-one bottles of soda in my back seat because I can't think of another excuse to come in here and see her. Oh, fuck. Is this stalking? I can't lose my job over this shit. I take my receipt and hurry to my car. As I chuck the bottle in the back seat to make thirty-two, I don't know what comes over me.

I hustle back in the store and press my hands to the conveyor belt. "Look, Vin, I come in here day after day and buy soda. I don't even drink soda. It's all in my back seat. I come in here to see you. These three minutes are the highlight of my day. If you don't want me to come back, I won't. But if it'd be ok, I'd like to come in here tomorrow and buy soda."

Her finger extends outward.

I figured it was her way of telling me to get out until I notice that she's pointing at a giant cardboard box at the front of the store.

"Perhaps you could donate the soda to the food drive."

I sigh relieved and nod. "Ok," I smirk.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she smiles.

"Yeah." I stand up and puff my chest out some. "See you tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N The fight between Lucille and Negan in this chapter is really intense but I'll delve into their relationship more as we go on.**

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By the time I wake up, it's almost four in the afternoon. I can't believe I slept all day and judging by Lucille's face she can either.

"What are you doing home?"

"I told you last night school was canceled because of a water main break." My eyes trail her tanned skin as she undresses.

"What?"

"After ten years, you're still-" The bathroom door slams shut. My eyes sink to the glow of the light under the door. "..beautiful," I murmur. I sink back onto the bed and close my eyes. I'm almost asleep when the nagging starts again.

"Get dressed. I want to go to dinner."

"I do like eating out." I raise my eyebrows up and down. I knew that'd get her attention. I'm deaf after helping her find her release and quickly drop my pajama pants.

"We have to hurry. Come on."

"But," I whine. "What about little Negan?" Fuck. No one told me you're still jerking off after you're married...

Lucille gives me her usual repulsed look when she gets into my car. "Why do you have all this soda in your back seat? You don't even drink soda. Guess it makes sense. Trash belongs in a dumpster."

"This car is actually pretty fucking nice, I'll have you know."

She swats the loose ripped upholstery hanging down on the roof from her face. "Keep telling yourself that. I bet you love the attention it gets from the high school girls."

"Why do you always fucking go there with that shit?"

"We should have taken my car. You don't even have any heat." Her hands rub together furiously.

I'd offer her hand warmers but she won't use them. I'm in the worst mood because I didn't get to see Vin today but just pile this on. Lucille wanted to go to the city and have some fucking fancy hoity-toity cloth napkin dinner. It's miserable because we don't even know how to talk to each other anymore.

As I stare across at this woman at the table, it angers me that she spends more time getting dressed for him the other day than our 'date' tonight.

"I was thinking..."

Christ, here it comes. She wants to blow our savings.

"We should buy a boat."

Yeah? So you can fuck him in **my** boat? His isn't enough? What did I do to you, Lucille? Why do you need him, too? How come you never look at me the way you do when I know you're about to see him? I push my food angrily around on my plate with my fork. "I fucking hate the ocean."

"But you always want to go to those beach resorts."

I drop my fork on the plate as the chime echoes through the restaurant. "I gotta take a piss." I fling my cloth napkin on the table and march to the restrooms.

This shit is upsetting my stomach. I grip the sink and hang my head. There's a part of me that feels like the only reason I have any balls to fight back is because of Vin. Otherwise, I'd still be kissing Lucille's ass. And shell out whatever I have to to keep Lucille happy. I don't care who you are, everyone loves that chase of finding someone new. And I'm not scared of being alone feeling like this.

My ass isn't even back in the chair before Lucille is bitching again.

"I'm ready to leave."

"Tough tits, this was your idea. Eat your food. There are people out there starving and you're wasting it."

"I'll be in the car." She swipes her purse and storms off.

"Suit yourself." I slide her plate to me and eat that, too. "What," I ask the table beside me with a mouthful when they're just staring. "Ain't you ever seen two people argue before?" Fucking fat whales.

The ride home isn't as miserable as the dinner I spent almost two hundred dollars on. I could have given that fucking money to Vin so she didn't have to eat stale floor bagels. Lucille is so pissed she won't even speak to me which means I get lost in my thoughts.

Once we're home, she tells me she's going to go stay with her mom until Sunday. "Wait," I try to reason. "Lucille, what the fuck are we doing? We used to talk about everything. We couldn't even eat dinner without having to take a trip to the restroom because we were _that_ about each other. Now you're running off. Stay. I'm not really in a good frame of mind right now." I fucking beg this woman to stay. Beg her to get my mind off of things. I'd forgive her for him if she could look past what I'd done. We'd start over.

I'm not innocent by any means. There was an incident a few years ago with one of the teachers. It was a moment of weakness and something happened in my office I'm not proud of. Lucille's never forgiven me despite telling me she's passed it, and every time I'm late she throws it in my face. "I'm sorry."

Lucille drops her bags and steps forward as her arms slip around me. "I'm sorry, too."

"I want to talk to you. Sit down at the table." I pull my chair out and plop down. "That soda in my car, it's because I've been making excuses to go to the store to talk to this one girl." The rest of my confession doesn't even leave my mouth before the sting of her hand is felt across my face. "Fuck!"

"I fucking knew it! **Nothing** has changed."

"Wait a goddamn minute! Don't you have some things to tell me? I thought we could be open and honest with each other."

"Honest? You think you can cheat on me and then by coming home and confessing it makes it go away?"

"I cheated once on you and that was a long time ago. I thought we were past that. This is different."

"Yeah? How? Emotional is just as bad as physical cheating if not worse! Buying soda as an excuse to talk to her? You're pathetic. I'll be at Marlene's."

"I don't know why you think you have to lie to me. Like I don't know where you go. Hey, I have an idea. Maybe he can give you some tips about buying a boat while you're there."

"Go to hell."

I open the front door back up after she slams it. "You fuck him in the boat while his wife is asleep in the house?"

Lucille makes sure to open her car door up into the side of mine.

Bitch. Fuck it. I'm renting porn on the cable box tonight.

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 **A/N Thank you for the reviews and support, keep it coming! (Like Negan with his skinemax, giggidy) I'll have another update in a few days. Lots of Vin and Negan next chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N I know Negan was a gym coach, but he's a high school baseball coach in this because of sexy baseball pants reasons. This chapter is a little longer than they have been.**

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I lie face down on the couch, my arm slung off it as I use the remote to find something other than porn. My pants are still around my ankles from last night. I don't even care.

Lightning rips open the sky. Shit, I didn't know it was going to rain. I stop channel surfing on a coca-cola commercial. The last time it rained was the first time I talked to Vin. Soda commercial. Rain. No, Negan, be good. Other women are the reason why your pants are around your ankles. I click the button again. The Fast and the Furious just ended as the credits roll.

 _VIN DIESEL_

Ok, fuck it. The universe is telling me to stick my dick in Vin. Who am I to interject? I trip twice pulling my pants up. I'm not about to wait around for Lucille to get home from fucking the sailor.

Vin is completely oblivious that I've snuck into the supermarket. Though, at the moment, she's got some guy losing his shit that her store won't price match these internet coupons. Keep running your mouth, motherfucker. I'll see you in the parking lot. Finally, my turn. I write 'dinner?' on the back of a greeting card and send it down the belt.

As Vin picks it up to scan, she laughs.

"That's some suave romantic as fuck shit, right?"

"It was a little corny, and you damaged the card so I have to charge you. Four seventy-nine."

"What time do you get off?" I hand her the five.

"In twenty minutes."

"I'll be waiting." Waiting to get you off. Shit. I should have taken down the photos of me and Lucille. That way I could take Vin home and fuck her there rather than some cheap motel. Then again, you _did_ tell your wife about this woman. I shouldn't have to sneak around with her.

I find that coupon fuck in the parking lot. He's pissing his pants by the time we're done. I didn't even have to hit him once! What a vagina. I return to my spot and wait for Vin. Fuck, I should have shaved. It gives you an extra inch. Hmm, I wonder if there's time to run home? Oh, nevermind. "You like," I boast when she seems impressed by my car.

"This is a Boss 429, of course. That same car sold for half a million dollars in an auction a few weeks ago."

The cocky grin fades from my face. "Get the fuck out of fucksville."

She tugs out one of those free autotrader magazines from her purse. "Here. Read this article."

On one hand, it's rather somber because it shows how little she has. Spending her spare time absorbing useless knowledge because this just happened to be free entertainment. And then when I read the article, it pisses me off. If my dad would have taken care of this car, I might be sitting pretty. "Yeah, well, the floorboards probably weren't rusted on top of all the other things wrong with it to get half a mil. I got it in a will when my father passed."

"It's a shame he didn't take care of it, but it's still beautiful. Oh," she laughs, when her foot almost does go through the floorboard. "You weren't kidding."

"Just scoot the cardboard and floor mat back over it. There's no A/C or heater. You can use these." I hand her the hand warmers.

"Thank you," she smiles. "Is Mcdonald's alright?"

My eyebrow tugs upward. "I was thinking somewhere that didn't have a play place."

Vin seems nervous but agrees. However, her confidence thins when I pull up to the Italian restaurant. "Um, I'm not really dressed for this place."

"You're fine. I've gone in fancier places in my dirty baseball pants."

"Oh, do you play professionally?"

"No, I coach baseball at the high school a few towns over. Uh, which, you wouldn't still be a student of…" I feel stupid for not asking. Holy shit.

"I'm twenty-two."

Thank fuck.

"This is embarrassing, but," Vin starts, "I don't know your name. Unless you want me to call you coach."

Save that for bed. Shit, fuck, don't fucking tell her that. "Negan. My name's Negan. Come on, it's starting to rain again." The rain makes me wonder if it's the only reason she came. That way she wouldn't be out in the woods in it. Don't think like that, she smiled at you about your crazy soda collection, which is still rattling around in the back of the car.

The hostess greets us and asks how many. "Booth or table?"

I look down at Vin to see if she has a preference but she just has this dazed look on her face. "Booth." I don't need a menu. This place has eighteen-inch pizza. "Have some bread."

"I was just looking for a price first on the menu."

"Huh? It's complimentary."

She sets her menu against the table and reaches in the basket.

I look away when she starts picking the small crumbs from the basket after she's finished her piece because it's upsetting me. "What'd you decide on?"

"The child's alfredo."

"Why the child's portion?"

"Because it's the most I can get and, hopefully, still stay under five dollars. I didn't bring my wallet and a five was all I had in my pocket."

Lies, of course. This is why she said she wasn't dressed for this place. She thought she had to pay. Every time I think about her in that purple tent in the woods with the princesses on it, it turns my stomach. "Vin, this is on me. I wouldn't ask you to come to dinner and then make you pay."

Before she can retort, the waiter asks if we've decided.

"Yes, she wants the full portion of alfredo. And I want the eighteen-inch pizza with everything but anchovies and pineapple on it." I hand over the menu. "They fucking know how to feed people here. Wait until you see the size of your plate. Like this fucking fucking big."

"Why do you casually swear so much?"

Shit. "You don't?"

She shakes her head.

"You against it?"

"I don't really have anything against it. I guess it wouldn't sound natural if I did it."

"Sure it would. Say you get your food and it's too hot. You say, this is hot as a motherfucker."

She looks at me funny.

"Ok, just try it. Don't be afraid to really get creative. Be like fuckity fuck fuck fuck this is hot."

"This is h-fuck-ot."

I bellow out a laugh. "Save that for bigger words. You know, I burned the skin off my tongue on this spaghetti and meat-fucking-balls."

She nods. "This fuck-fredo is scalding hot!"

"Better," I chuckle and laugh for real.

"You are a good coach."

"That's a horrible fucking thing to say." I don't laugh much these days but I grin ear to ear.

"I just mean you're patient. Persistent."

"I have thirty-two bottles of soda in my car right now. Persistent is an understatement."

"You should donate that to the food drive."

Speaking of food, we're brought enough to feed families. I don't even think I'll be able to finish. At least she can take it with her. "Slowdown, Christ. No one is going to take your food." And no one is going to turn the lights out on you.

The restaurant loses power from the storm.

Ok, bad fucking example. Luckily the little candle at our table gives us some light. I get up from my seat and sit next to her. It's my way of protecting what's mine in case people start getting crazy and looting or some shit.

I find myself disappointed when the power comes back on.

Poor Vin is practically smashed into the wall. "You're warm," she smiles faintly as she shifts some of her weight against me rather than the wall.

Am I fucking losing it? Enjoying the touch of a girl I **barely** fucking know? This is cheating. I'm a married fucking man. I stare at the blank space on my finger where a wedding ring used to be. A space that hasn't been occupied in, at least, a year.

"Is it not the right kind?"

"What?"

"Your pizza."

"Oh, I got lost in thought."

"I can leave you to them."

I shake my head no. But it's nice to know that I can sit with somebody in silence without being judged. "What do you like to do for fun, Vin?"

"Go to the museum."

Free and warm. "What else?"

"The library."

Also free and warm. "What about a movie?"

"No. I've never been."

Because it's not free. With a statement like that it makes me wonder just how long she's been homeless. Who has never been to a fucking movie theater? Fuck, what if this is all she's ever known? "I'll take you next Friday."

"Ok, I get paid that day."

I shake my head no. "What did we learn today?"

"That next time I'm ordering eighteen fucking inches."

I toss my head back in laughter. I've got some inches for her alright. "We learned that if I ask I pay, not you."

She blushes a bit before tilting her chin down. "It feels wrong."

"Is it the age difference?"

"No. This is all new to me. I'm just used to being on my own."

Negan, don't fuck this up by opening your mouth and telling her that you know she's homeless.

"I'm ready when you are."

I'm real motherfucking gentlemanly and open the car door to help her in, then hand her the leftovers. The things I do for pussy all the while being one.

I start my car, feeling guilty thinking she'd be down with fucking me in a cheap motel.

"Thank you for dinner, Negan."

As I stare back at her, I think about how when Lucille and I went to dinner the other night. How disgusted she is with me. How she insulted my car. How she'd rather complain about the cold than take the hand warmers. How we don't talk. How a two hundred dollar dinner couldn't appease her. How instead of a thank you for dinner I got the knowledge of knowing she's going to go fuck somebody that's not me.

Then there's Vin. How genuine that smile was when she saw me. How impressed she was with my car. How she eagerly took the hand warmers. How there was never a dull moment. How she scours the menu to try to find the cheapest thing. How thankful she was for an eight dollar plate of alfredo. How there is nobody I'd rather fuck right now than her. "Do you want to…" Don't fucking ruin shit with your mouth. Just don't fucking as to fuck.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I can walk."

I lean over and close the door. "No, that's not what I meant." I study the details of her face close like this. Her dark eyes behind long eyelashes hidden by these ridiculous glasses. I watch for any indication that she'd want to take things further.

Her shoulders shrug forward as her lips purse inward.

I move back in my seat because I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she is. "Where to?"

"If you don't mind, will you drop me off at the gym? I need to work out after all that pasta."

My perversion switches off instantly. I want so desperately to say something to her. To let her know that she doesn't have to hide her secret from me. She could come home with me. Or I could get just her a motel for a few days. Fuck, even help her find a homeless shelter.

Instead, I pull up to the gym because I don't want to mess with this fragile friendship we have. It was wrong of me to spy on her. I just hope it doesn't ruin everything when the time comes. "Goodnight."

"Good-fucking-night, coach," she smiles.

Per-fucking-version switch back on. That's my girl.

* * *

 **A/N I was trying to think of a car that Negan would fit in. I actually drive a Mustang and have a friend that's 6 foot 5 who fits in it just fine so that's why I picked the car for Negan. Though, I like visioning Negan on a motorcycle better. Wouldn't carry soda all that well. Ok, I'm rambling. Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Thank you for all the kind words about Vin! I promise you'll get more insight to her character soon.**

* * *

 _1 in 7 people are hungry._

⅓ _of food is WASTED._

 _Approximately 9 million people die of world hunger each year._

 _Poverty is the number one cause of world hunger._

* * *

Bringing in all this soda from my car almost turns into me pulling my back trying to show off my strength. Thankfully, I don't. Fuck, I'm out of breath. "That's the last of it," I smile down at Vin.

"Thank you for donating. There are so many people in need."

Like you, Vin… I just nod because I feel like I'll give away what I know in my voice.

"I'm going to volunteer at the soup kitchen on Saturday if you're still feeling in the giving spirit."

"I thought that was only for the holidays?"

"Oh, no. They always need volunteers. The holidays are when everyone thinks to volunteer, but what about the other days?"

That's when it hit me what she says. Here is someone volunteering at the shelter who could use that help desperately, yet is spending her time helping others. "Yeah, I'll help. Do you want me to pick you up or do you have a ride?" I always ask her these questions that would be the perfect opportunity for her to tell me, but she never does. At first, it was because I thought she'd be embarrassed. Now it's clear. She doesn't want that help when it could go to someone else. I worry about that kindness being taken advantage of.

"I'm going to work out at the gym first. If you'd like to pick me up at six in the morning that'd be wonderful!"

What are you going to do the first snow, Vin? Are you going to stay huddled up when it's twenty degrees outside in that tent? "Sure." My tone is so flat. I'm not fooling anyone. I just don't know what to do. Wait, six in the morning? Fuck!

Spending my time Saturday with Vin gave me an idea. I speak to the principal at the school about organizing a food drive. Something for the food bank. She responds with the same thing I did. How it's not the holidays. I never realized that this mentality is common because that's a lot of the comments made by the teachers in the staff meeting when the principal announces we'll be doing the drive.

"I'm home," I tell Lucille. She's been on the couch since I left this morning. "You didn't eat your breakfast."

"I wasn't as hungry as I thought."

I end up snapping at her, then feel horrible for doing it. As long as I've known Lucille, she's never finished what she's started eating. I usually come behind her and eat it, but does that make it right? Two fucking dinners or whatever meal of the day it is because the food just happens to be there? Yeah, I'm not wasting it, but it's way more food than what we need.

"Does this have to do with all that soda you had in your car? You on some kick to help world hunger?"

"Would that be the worst thing to do with my time?"

"You're so full of shit. You're not doing this for anyone but yourself. Probably fucking some young blonde at the food pantry."

"She's red-headed." Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm going to get sla-

"Fucking asshole," she snaps, slapping me across the face before marching up the steps.

Well, I didn't expect her to stay. I figured she'd be fleeing into the arms of the sailor. Might as well go fuck a redhead since I'm already guilty of it.

I have the most ingenious idea. I take Vin to one of those all you can eat buffets after she gets off work.

"I don't understand." She just stares blankly at all the food. "You just pay one price and eat?"

"Yeah, well, I mean you gotta get a new plate every time you come back up here. Whatever you want. Stay away from the orange chicken. It ain't chicken."

"What's orange chicken?"

"There are names above everything." I show her on the glass buffet guard.

"They have eighteen fucking inches and fuck-fredo!"

I try to respond but just end up laughing. This woman... "I wouldn't get the pizza either. It's too saucy and bland. Not enough cheese."

"I'm just hungry."

I feel guilty for criticizing the food in front of someone who goes hungry daily. Vin has changed my outlook on a lot of things. I've been blind to this kind of thing my entire life. I didn't grow up in poverty. We never once went hungry. I never even saw a homeless person until I was in my early twenties.

When we sit down, I tell Vin about the food drive we did at the school.

Her eyes brim over with tears. "That's so wonderful! Educating the youth is our most powerful weapon."

"Where are we volunteering tomorrow? Soup kitchen again?"

"I have to work a double tomorrow. Sunday we can!"

"Guess you, uh, probably can't stay out late tonight then," I hint which I'm about a subtle as a gun.

"I need to return before ten."

When the gym closes... This is getting to be so fucking sad. I need to say something to her. Fuck, here I have the means to help her and I'm just spending time walking on eggshells because I'm afraid.

Vin's brow furrows. "Where are they taking all that food?"

I watch a waitress push a cart by the table. "It's the dishes and stuff that's left over that people didn't eat."

She looks horrified, and even more so when I tell her that it's getting thrown away.

Watching her try and fight back the tears is killing me. Taking her to the buffet was a fucking stupid idea. Here I was only trying to make sure that she was full not thinking that this place wastes more food than I have ever seen.

"Can I get one of those leftover boxes? My stomach is upset."

"I'm sorry," I frown.

She doesn't respond and as the lady passes by she asks her for one.

"Sorry, there is no to-go box for our buffet customers."

"I don't understand. I'd like to take my food, please."

"How much to get a box," I ask the lady.

"You'd have to pay for another buffet."

Vin's cheeks start to redden in frustration. "He already paid for a buffet. You're just going to throw it away like you were that cart of food I just watched you push by."

"I'm sorry, that's our policy."

Vin asks to speak to a manager.

I just want to crawl under the table and die. This whole thing gets way out of control and Vin rushes from the restaurant crying. "Vin, wait," I call, catching up to her once we're by the car.

"I need to leave immediately," she sobs.

"Christ, Vin, I am so sorry." I unlock the door as she hurries in and shuts it herself. There are so many things running through my mind right now. Part of me hoped that she would tell me that she was homeless so I wouldn't have to hint at it.

I sit in the driver's seat, debating on starting the car but I can't leave this woman like this. Her sobs don't seem to be ending anytime soon. Am I going to find her dumpster diving for the leftover food? Have I fucked things up between us? I can't stand listening to her cry. I can't keep hinting, or expect her to tell me. I draw in a breath before exhaling slowly. "Vin... I know that you're homeless."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Vin's face claim is Ebba Zingmark if anyone was wondering. She's also the cover photo. I was going to wait to publish this, but my arm was twisted, heh. Feel better, Inky!**

* * *

Well, that stopped her tears, but her facial expression isn't any better. "How long have you been doing this gym and sleeping in the princess tent thing?"

"Since I left the group home at eighteen."

"How did you join a gym without a credit card?"

"The manager knows my situation. He uses his card for my membership and I pay him in cash."

"You have a job, though. Aren't you able to get a one bedroom apartment?"

"I tried staying in a motel for a while but I couldn't afford it. I finally had a few thousand saved, but someone stole it last year. If I work hard through the summer, I'll have enough to cover the months of winter. I'm just fuck out of luck for this one."

"You can't live in a fucking tent for the entire Baltimore winter."

"I've done it all my life."

There it is. I knew it. Goddammit. I rub my brow in frustration. "I have so many questions, but I feel like it's none of my business. I didn't mean to blurt it out, I just got tired of hiding it."

Vin hasn't said anything for an eternity. She's just sitting in my front seat in a daze. Until, finally, something leaves her mouth.

Although, I would never have imagined it to be something like this.

"I could give you forty-five, maybe fifty a week."

"Fifty what?"

"Dollars."

"I don't understand."

"For your silence that I'm homeless."

"For my silence?" What?

"I make a little over three hundred dollars a week. Ted, my manager, he makes me pay him one hundred dollars of each check so I can use his residency for my checks."

"What?!"

"I don't have a choice. You need that to work unless I get paid under the table doing odd jobs, but that's how I got robbed. I feel safe at the store. I wish that I could pay you more, but someone else at the store found out and I have to pay him fifty dollars to keep quiet, too."

I can't even fucking believe what I'm hearing right now. "So you're telling me that you get about a hundred and fifty a week. Christ, Vin, that's not even a thousand dollars a month." Here I thought maybe she could go into low-income housing or something but she can't even afford that. Who fucking takes advantage of someone like this?

"I know and I'll try and get some extra shifts to pay you more. Please, don't say anything." She fishes out a coffee tin in her bag. "Here," she tells me, handing me fifty dollars from the tin.

"No." I move her hand back.

"But, Negan, I need the job at the store because it's only two blocks from the gym. I don't have my high school diploma. I only got to the ninth grade so my options are limited. Especially without a car. There are not many places even near here that will-"

I've heard e-fucking-nough and speed to the supermarket.

"What are you doing?! No!" Vin gets out of the car and chases after me.

All I see is fucking red at this point. "You," I shout, pointing at this suspender wearing motherfucker in the booth. "I want a fucking word with you."

"Excuse me?" He pushes open the half door and steps down. "You can't talk like that-"

I hit him so hard his toupee falls off. "Listen here, you little fat fuck piece of shit. Who's the other one she pays?"

His shaking finger points at some punk kid.

Lucky for him, I can't hit him or I will be fucked. "If you ever take money from Vin again, I'll be back. Do you understand? Nod, motherfucker!"

"Yes," the kid squeaks, nodding.

I turn my attention back to Ted. I spit on him as I pull him to his feet before throwing him against the booth.

Someone actually calls the police and they arrive before I can get Ted to fork over the money he owes Vin.

Fuck. I wasn't going to kill him… at least… not in front of everyone.

I sit in handcuffs in the stockroom ready to be taken to jail while they interview Ted, Vin, the cashier fuck, and a few witnesses.

"You're free to go. The manager has decided not to press charges." The handcuffs are taken off me.

Thank fuck. I hurry towards the front of the store to find Vin and Ted.

"Don't you ever set foot in my store again or you will go to jail. And you," Ted points at Vin. "You're fired. I'm keeping your last check as compensation."

"You can't do that!" The only reason I leave the store is that Vin goes running out. I catch up with her around the corner. "Vin, wait!" I grab her by the bicep.

"What have you done," she yells with a choking sob.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"What am I supposed to do now? Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?"

I feel like complete shit. "I just didn't want him taking advantage of you like that."

"Yeah, well, you can be assured he won't take advantage of me anymore. Let go of me!"

"Vin, wait!"

"Don't talk to me again, Negan."

My stomach knots as I watch her flee down the sidewalk. Fuck, what _have_ I done?

"You're trespassing," Ted shouts at me behind the protection of the large glass in the store.

In that moment, I think of a lot of different things. The most enjoyable one is how I could throw a shopping cart through the window at this motherfucker. But then I'd go to jail and lose my job. I watch Vin until she disappears into the gym. I was only trying to help, but now I've fucked everything up and I don't know what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Since I have a couple fics I'm updating right now, Monday will be the day I update this one. Vin's tent is actually an Elsa and Anna tent, LOL!**

* * *

"Vin?" I knock on the side of this faded child's princess tent when she won't answer. "Please, it's freezing out here and I'm worried about you."

The flap unzips.

I try my best to get inside this thing but I'm not exactly a small fuck myself. This will have to do. And my left knee is in my throat. "Vin, I am so sorry. I will make this right for you."

"It doesn't matter," she cries. "The gym filed for bankruptcy. It's closing. I don't have any place to go."

What the fuck? Those crooks. Why the hell did they let me sign up? "Pack your things. Let's go get some food and we'll figure this out."

"I'm sorry I was ugly to you about Ted. I know you were only trying to help."

I cup her freezing cheek. "No. I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to do once I found out. I wanted you to tell me on your terms, but I fucked that up."

"I didn't want your pity. I hate pity. There are so many people worse off than I am who really do need the help."

"Then let me help you so we can hurry up and get back to them, ok?"

Vin takes a deep breath. "Ok," she smiles.

Her safety is my number one concern because this area isn't the best. If she's going to be walking, she needs something clustered together like it was before. Work, 'housing', grocery store. "If you could have any food right now, what would it be?"

She looks out my window as we drive down the highway. "It doesn't matter. I'm just taking in all the sights right now."

What sights? This town we've ended up in is a dump. I keep driving because I don't trust it here.

We end up stopping off at a small burger place.

"Ok, how much money do you have?"

She takes out her coffee can and starts setting it on the table.

One hundred and ninety-two pathetic dollars. I frown because this is nothing. She can't put a down payment on an apartment or rent house. I guess a motel it is, but there's nothing really around motels except for porn stores and I definitely don't want her working there.

Luckily, I'm able to find Vin a motel that only costs her a little over two hundred a week to stay. Plus, with her now having a place of residence, she's able to get a job where some fuck isn't screwing with her money. Across from the motel, there's a salvation army that she gets a job making ten dollars an hour.

"That's seventy-five more cents than the store!"

"I know," I smile. On top of the money she'll be able to keep without that fuckhead Ted.

The motel isn't as rapey as I thought it would be. And Vin gets a complimentary breakfast every morning so I know she is at least getting one good meal.

"This is the biggest bed I've ever seen."

That is a big bed. It would even fit me. Excellent.

Her room is an add-on that the motel just did so no one had lived in it before her. It makes me feel better because I know what people do in these things. Myself included. The room comes with a small mini fridge, coffee pot, microwave, and the normal things you'd expect. Bed, desk, tv, chair. "Listen to me very carefully, Vin. I bought you this safe. You can keep any extra money or personal things in it while you're at work." I show her how to use it. Then show her a few other things like how to brew a cup of coffee. "You get cable tv for free. Do you know what that is?"

She shakes her head side to side.

"You can watch all these channels, except for these in purple. Don't click on these or they charge you $14.99 for the, uh, movie..."

"Ok, I won't."

"Come here, let me show you how to work the air conditioner and heater. You don't get charged for this. Same with your water. You can use all that you need. And if anyone fucking gives you shit, if someone so much as tries to look in that peephole, I wanna fucking know. I'll fucking deal with it." I give her some mace that I bought her. "I also got you this." I hand her the red skull. "This is a self-defense keychain. You put your fingers here in the eye sockets and if someone tries to fuck with you just stab them with the teeth. They'll leave you alone."

She jokingly pokes it into my forearm.

"Yeah, yeah, I can take the hint," I smirk.

"Negan?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to stay a little longer?"

Oh my god. Fuck! What do I do?! Where is that fucking devil and angel that pop up on your shoulders? Fuck, just two devils. "I uh." If you say anything other than yes, you're a fucking idiot. "I should really get going."

"Ok," she says. As I start to leave, she moves her arms around me. "Thank you."

I didn't do anything other than what any decent human being would have done. Fuck, I want to stay so bad, but I don't want to fuck things up between us by fucking her. Maybe she doesn't even want to fuck and then I try and fuck her and fuck things up. I'm pretty good at fucking things up.

Instead, I just return the innocent embrace. "You're welcome." I run my fingers through her messy hair. "Good luck with your job tomorrow. I'll come by later to make sure your boss doesn't need his toupee knocked off."

She starts to giggle. "Goodnight, Negan. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight," I smile. Yeah, have fun jerking yourself off tonight in the shower, Negan. Fucking idiot. "Lock the door behind me."

I sit in my car for a little bit and think about what it is I want. The bottom line is that I'm married. Am I really going to leave my wife for this woman? Fuck, does Vin even want that with me? All I know is, I might have been honest with Lucille about Vin, but I haven't been honest with Vin about Lucille. I just didn't expect to have a connection with someone who isn't my wife. Do the right thing, Negan. Don't fuck this up.

I had every fucking opportunity to tell Lucille when I got home. I found a home pregnancy test in the trash can. She must not have expected me home so soon before she could hide it. It's negative. We haven't had sex in almost seven months. I want to confront her about it, but I feel like the longer I wait, the longer I can avoid the subject of Vin.

I hurry into the bedroom when I hear her coming up the steps.

"How long have you been home?"

Long enough to see you're not having a skipper. "I just walked in."

"I need to use the restroom really quick." She locks the door behind her.

I just shake my head and trudge down the steps so I can watch tv. When Lucille asks me if I want to mess around, I just turn up the volume over her voice. I guess I didn't realize how frequently she was running off to see him. There's always this part of me that wants to follow her so I can see what he looks like, but lately, I just don't care. That's not good at all. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue. I want a divorce.

"I think we need to talk."

"Nope. Not now."

"I want to start going to counseling."

"Are you out of your fucking mind? I gave you the opportunity two months ago to work shit out. Now, all of the sudden, you want to try? I'm not going to give some fuck hundreds of my dollars to talk about shit that the two of us are perfectly capable of doing, but we don't. Go tell the sailor your fucking problems. I don't want to hear it."

"I left him."

I throw the remote so goddamn hard it breaks the TV. "Glad to know I'm your backup plan," I snap, slamming the front door behind me.

I could have driven to Vin's, but I don't. I don't even know if I have a right to be as mad as I am right now. I'm fucking around on Lucille. She's fucking around on me. Frankly, I'm starting to feel like the biggest piece of shit because what if I end up hurting Vin over this? Fuck, and now I'm getting pulled over for speeding.

"License and registration."

Shit. My wallet is still at the house. Goddammit.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Random Easter egg! There is a scene in this chapter that will repeat itself towards the end of the story. I don't expect anyone to remember that, lol, but it just stuck out when I was writing one of the last scenes.**

* * *

I had every intention of seeing Vin, but I completely forgot the away game. I called the motel and was able to get her on her phone after twelve tries. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I don't get many calls," she laughs. "Are you on your way?"

"Oh, right. No, I forgot, I have to go out of town. Away game. I'll see you Sunday, though." Which might as well been a fucking eternity. I don't even care that we win our game.

This is all weird to me if I think enough on it, which I have, to be excited to actually see a woman and enough that it consumes most of my thoughts. I think one of the more strange things is that I'm actually excited to hear about her day. That bullshit small talk I've always loathed.

I smooth my hair back and take a few deep breaths. Since the door is already cracked, I push it open to an unpleasant fucking surprise… Who the _fuck_ is this cocksucker?! With his fucking tattoos and gelled hair. Fucking trendy fuck clothes and muscles. Fucking bearded douche in his douche shirt about how beard hair should be the only hair between a girl's legs.

"There you go, Vin," he smiles, moving away from the heater.

I'm so pissed off, I didn't even notice how cold it was in here.

"Thank you so much, Niko."

Typical douche name.

"Anytime you need me. You know where I'm at." He winks at her before grabbing his tool belt.

I fold my arms, embellishing what a big motherfucker I am.

Niko scoffs amused as he walks by. "Ok," he murmurs with a snicker.

I slam the door behind him. Go condition your beard.

"Don't be jealous. He's maintenance."

"I ain't jealous. Why didn't you call me?"

"Because… you were a hundred miles away."

"Well, I still woulda come," I frown. "I don't like him. He probably broke it as an excuse to talk to you."

"He's nice to me."

"That's because he wants to stick his dick in you."

"Oh. I suppose that's why you're nice to me too?"

"Well, yeah." I slam my eyes shut. "I mean… shit. It's different. I'm not looking for some wham bam thank you, ma'am."

"And he is?"

"We can smell our own."

"But it's different with me."

"Of course." I have dug myself so fucking deep right now, but she's never been more amused. "Look, yeah, at first I wanted to bring you back to one of these places. But it's not like that now. For the record, fuck yeah I wanna stick my dick in you, but just you. And I wanna keep sticking my dick in you."

"I don't know if I should be flattered or call the police."

She's smiling so that's a good thing, I guess. I narrow my eyes. "What the hell is on your feet?"

"Oh," she boasts and wiggles her toes. "It's my macaroni and cheese socks." She pulls her pant leg up to show me these tall purple socks with noodles on them.

"Are you fucking with me?"

She shakes her head. "They're warm."

"They're as ridiculous as your glasses."

"I'll let you try them on if you want."

I'd rather take something of hers off. I hold up the plastic bag in my hand before I get into any more trouble for the evening. "Hungry?"

"Yes," she smiles, gesturing her hand to invite me in.

I think about that fucker that was in here earlier and rile myself up again. "I don't like that bearded fuck in here."

"This again."

I set the food down on the counter. "Vin, you're naive and I don't want him taking advantage of that."

"Alright, I'll have him arrested for fixing my heater."

I start to laugh. "Smart ass."

"Did you win your game?"

"Fuck, I can't remember."

"Because you were too busy thinking about your dick in me?"

"You're not going to let me live that down, are you? And don't talk like that." Unless you wanna get fucked. "Have you been watching the movies in the purple?"

"No, honest."

I end up overstaying my welcome and Vin falls asleep. I know that I could probably scoot next to her and she wouldn't mind, but all this sneaking around shit is making me feel disgusting. I don't want to have to hide us because I'm with Lucille. And the last thing I want to do is hurt Lucille. I can hear her voice in the back of my head.

 _Emotional is just as bad as physical cheating if not worse!_

I turn off the TV and slip out. I didn't want to wake Vin up to lock the door so I sit in the parking lot all night to make sure that no one goes near her door. When she leaves for work in the morning is when I drive away. I'm sure she had to have heard my car as I pulled out, but I'm just not ready to explain myself to either woman yet. Way to be a man, Negan.

* * *

Getting pulled over the other night gave me an idea. It wasn't just a car that Vin needed. We needed to work on getting Vin a driver's license and not just her ID. I'm just… a little unnerved about showing her how to drive stick in my car. "Now, slowly... _fucking_ slowly, ease up off the clutch and take shit slow. Slowly," I shout, grabbing the dashboard. "Look, Vin Diesel, this ain't Fast the fucking Furious."

"We're going two miles an hour, and who is Vin Diesel?"

"It's a joke. Let's try this again. Don't close your eyes!"

"I can't drive a car!"

"Yes, you can. Now, we can always get you a car that isn't manual transmission, but you need to know this shit. Everyone should know in case you're in a situation where that's all there is. Let me tell you what my instructor told me. Treat the pedal like your nutsack."

"Why would I step on a nutsack?"

"I don't know… my dad drank a lot. Ok, forget what I said. Let's try something different."

* * *

 **Six fucking hours and one damaged shopping cart later**

* * *

"Good! Good. Thank fuck. We're alive."

"It wasn't that bad."

"It was pretty fucking terrible."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Anyway, I like driving the stick better. It gives you more control."

"Yeah it does," I snicker.

She looks over at me and laughs. "Was that a penis joke?"

"My life is a constant series of dick jokes."

"Because life is long and hard?"

I bellow out a laugh. "Stop it. Christ. You're getting me long and hard."

"It wouldn't be hard if you had stayed over the other night."

Fuck! I fucking knew it! Instead, I get pulled over by the cops and bitched out by Lucille when I could have been having motel kinky fuckery fucking. "Does your carpet match the drapes?"

"I don't have carpet on my floors."

I don't even realize she's in a handicap spot as we get out. "You should get some hardwood for those floors."

Her eyes slowly move up to mine.

Please, god, drop to your knees and give me head right here.

Instead, she fishes out her keys and quickly barges in her front door.

I slam it behind me as she scoots up on the bed. "Fuck yeah I'm going to lay that shit down right fucking now." I drop to my knees as I unbutton her jeans, wiggling them down her hips.

"Negan, I've never done this before."

I didn't think I could be any more turned on than I already am. "I'll be real fucking gentle," I smirk, stretching over her. My hand roams her slim waist before I reach in my pocket. Fuck! I changed out of those goddamn pants that had the condom in the pocket.

She places her hand on my cheek. "Thank you, Negan. For everything these past few days," she smiles.

My fuckstration dissolves when I look down at her. She's beautiful. Behind those glasses and that oversized shirt. Her macaroni and cheese socks. She is beautiful. I don't want her like this in this filthy motel with some girl screaming 'fuck me, daddy' next door.

"That's illegal."

I bellow out a laugh because Vin's so fucking literal sometimes. "I don't really know how to explain it. Some girls call their boyfriend daddy. It's not their actual father."

"Oh. Would it be alright if I didn't call you that?"

"Wait, are you saying… that you want more?"

"You're on top of me about to take my virginity. I just thought... we were more," she blushes.

Fuck. I've fucked this up. "Uh, Vin… I gotta go." I scramble to button up my pants and step inside my boots, almost tripping.

"Negan, I'm sorry. Please, don't leave."

"I-" I look back at her briefly and it fucking kills me. "I'm sorry." I hurry from the motel room and screech my tires leaving the parking lot. I can't even be honest with Vin because then I'll lose her and really will be alone. I've dug myself so fucking deep that I can't get myself out. The look on her poor face as I **fled** that fucking motel room. Like she had done something wrong. It was my fault. "Fuck," I yell. My eyes shift to the rearview mirror. "Fucking great." I pull over with a sigh.

"You again, Mustang Sally," the officer says.

I hang my head and give him my license and insurance card. Fuck me.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N I'm not really in my right mind, but a lot of you have had some really kind things to say and I don't think it's fair to keep you waiting for a chapter. If you'll just bear with me, I'm trying to get my mental and physical health better. Uh… Baseball isn't a winter sport like I have in this story. Whoops. You good people just overlook that and think about Negan in baseball pants. TIGHT pants. Stretchy tight pants. There's another Easter egg for the end in this chapter.**

* * *

I've driven by the motel every night this week, but I can't go in. Fuck. It isn't until I catch that bearded fuck walking beside Vin that I grow a pair. But then I see her face. See how fucking somber she is.

She shakes her head no at Niko, then goes into her room.

I know I fucking hurt her, and I can't even be a man and face her. Do the right thing. Fuck, what is the right thing at this point? I get out of my car only to be stopped by the bearded wonder before making my way to her door.

"I don't know what you did to her, but ever since you sped out of here the other day, she hasn't been the same. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. Fix it."

"I'm trying to fix it. And who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

"Maybe by fixing it, it means to fuck off and leave her the fuck alone. It doesn't really matter who the fuck I am."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you!"

I take a swing at Niko as he breaks a plastic chair on the way to the concrete. I'm almost knocked the fuck out when he hits me across the face with a metal trash can. "You bearded fuck-"

"Enough," Vin shouts.

Both of us look up at her. Bloodied and bruised from beating the shit out of each other.

"Negan, get in here."

I give Niko a smug look before sauntering into Vin's room.

"Stop that. You look like an imbecile."

"Sorry," I frown. "Not just for the fight, but for it all."

"Clean up your face then please leave."

"I'm sorry about last week."

"It will never happen again."

I frown and lower my head.

"I wasn't asking you for commitment, Negan. It was a misunderstanding of where we stood. Then you flee from here like I've given you an ultimatum of marriage. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I purchased you something. It's on the counter. You fled before I could give it to you. Take it and do not return."

I don't think I could feel any worse. Being a baseball coach, the term two strikes rolls through my mind...

I flinch pressing the rag to my eyebrow. Fuck that hurts. Little shit. I'm going to pay him a visit later. I can't believe that's even on my mind right now. I step from the bathroom and have a seat on her bed where she's laying. "What can I do to make this better?"

"I can't believe you got into a fight with him. That just proves my point. You're jealous. And what does jealousy usually imply? Feelings. Then you look at me like I'm the crazy one when I mistake us for more than friends. And I told you to clean your face."

I did, is it bleeding again? Fuck, that son of a bitch got me good.

She reaches up and touches the rag to the gash in my eyebrow to help me. "Now go. Goodnight."

I lay against her tits in the most pathetic way. My arms wrap around and tuck under her. I've got to be crushing this poor woman. Her frail frame supporting three hundred pounds of pathetic. Please don't kick me off you. This was a stupid idea. She's not pushing me off though. "Vin, I looked down at you that night we were in bed together and wanted more for you. Not me barreling into you like some horny fuck while the twenty-five dollar hooker next door is shouting daddy through the walls."

"It was the socks, wasn't it? They turned you off."

"No," I laugh, tilting my head to look up at her.

"My glasses are too big then?"

"No, Vin. It's not the way you dress. It was me opening my big dumb fucking mouth without thinking."

"I'm used to that."

"Shut up."

"Start taking your own ad-fucked-vice."

She was so close with that one. I stare at her and know that I have never felt like this before. She makes me a better person. She makes me laugh. She makes me feel like I have a purpose.

Her hand touches my cheek. "What are you not saying?"

That I'm married. I turn my head slightly and touch my lips to her wrist. "Don't make me leave. Please." I can't go home. I can't be around that poisonous environment.

"You hurt me."

Hearing that is the worst feeling. Especially because this doesn't scratch the surface of my fuck ups she doesn't know about.

I make an attempt to smooth things over by letting this woman in to things I've never told anyone. How my dream was to play baseball and I was drafted by the Yankees, but my mom got sick. I stayed behind to care for her until she passed from the lung cancer.

"What was her name?"

"Eleanor."

Vin rubs my arm, but I don't really deserve her comfort.

"I was an asshole growing up. Always stressing my mom out because I'd get into fights, or be out way too late. I only stopped because the coaches threatened to kick me off the team."

"Well, that part hasn't changed. You're still an asshole."

I start to laugh. Christ, I want to lean over and kiss this woman. Right as I get the balls to, there's a fucking knock on the door.

"Vin," Nico calls from the outside of the door.

"Negan," she whispers aggressively when I get out of bed.

"Just trust me." I strip down to my boxer briefs and answer the door. "She's a little busy, Niles."

"It's Niko."

I slam the door in his face. The look he had right before I did though. I laugh on the other side while getting dressed. "It's rude to stare."

"It's rude to get naked and expect someone not to stare."

"Yeah, you like what you see?"

"I like the V that trails into your pants."

"Yeah? Those are my cock muscles."

"No, those are mine."

"Oh, because of the V. Vin for V," I smirk.

"Uh huh."

"Well, you know what comes after V. A long I. A very long, thick I.

"It looks lower case from here."

"You need new fucking glasses."

"It's so small I need glasses?"

"Uh. I didn't really think that through."

She points at the countertop.

Oh, right. My gift. Ugh, back to feeling like a creep again. I unwrap the box and tug out the red scarf.

Vin is at my feet as she smiles up at me. "I got a few extra hours at the store so I purchased you this. You always keep me warm so I thought I'd help you."

Fuck. This is more meaningful than anything I've been given before, and it's coming from the one person who can't afford to give. "Thank you so much, Vin."

"You're welcome," she smiles.

"I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

"You better have something incredible planned for tomorrow to make up for being such a shitter."

"One day we'll get you swearing right," I laugh. "Goodnight." As I drive away, I know what I have to do.

"Next in line."

"Yes, I'd like to file for divorce, please."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N You're not going to be proud of Negan this chapter, but I did want to hold true to Negan's backstory as much as possible.**

* * *

For some reason, giving Lucille the divorce papers really tore me up.

"She's important to you."

"Lucille, she is not the reason our marriage didn't work out. Do we really want to drag ourselves through another ten years of this shit? Only speaking to each other to fight?"

"Isn't there any part of you that still loves me?"

I don't even answer before she becomes sick out of nowhere and throws up on the floor. "The hell? What did you eat?"

"Nothing yet."

"Probably nerves." But it doesn't seem like nerves when she grabs her stomach.

"Are you… pregnant?"

"No, I've taken a few tests and they're all negative. That's what I thought it was, too. It's why I left him. I just felt even worse."

When she says, that's why I left him, it just sends me into this blinding rage because she acts like I should be proud of her for choosing me over him. Anger aside, this is still my wife. And to answer her question, "yes. There is a part of me that loves you. Come on, let's get you to the doctor."

We sit in the waiting room, her cold hand tucked into mine. I offer her the hand warmers and she takes them. No. No, don't do this to me now. Don't make me feel guilty for leaving my wife. For as long as I've known Lucille, she's been a bitch. Hell, it's what attracted me to her in the first place because it makes for some awesome fucking.

"How many times do you think we've had sex in that bathroom over there?"

I give her a breathed laugh. "Six, and I'm counting the time I was so sick I couldn't catch my breath to finish."

She rests her head on my shoulder. "We had a good run, right?"

"Yeah," I struggle to say. "The best." I lean my head against hers as my eyes well up. I notice she's wearing her wedding ring again. "I don't even know where mine is," I comment, tracing hers.

She tugs out a necklace with it on it. "I keep it. Usually with mine on it." She unhooks it from her neck and takes the band off. It's slid on my finger. "Just while we're here."

"Ok."

"Then when we go home, I'll sign the papers."

"Lucille?" The nurse calls.

"We need a minute," I tell the nurse. I take Lucille into the bathroom and fuck her goddamn brains out. I don't care who heard. Who watched. How much trouble we got in. The ticket I was given. It was the best sex I have ever had.

"I love you, Negan."

"I love you, too. Let's get you fixed up."

She stops to give me a kiss that I return.

"Maybe we can do that counseling."

"Alright," I say.

The doctor tells Lucille it's just a nasty virus. Not their exact words, but I'm not paying attention. I was thinking about Vin. This is for the best. You helped her. She's able to make her rent. She has a job. The way you left things are fucked up, but she's a strong girl. She'll bounce back, and find someone that is ten times better than you are.

At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself over the next week. Just the thought of Vin with another man infuriates me. Especially bearded wonder. How did I even end up in this situation? In love with Lucille, but care for Vin enough to question that love for Lucille.

* * *

Therapy is a fucking joke. We went twice this week, but it's not doing anything because I don't want it to do anything. Then when I imagine Lucille signing those papers, I always try a little harder.

* * *

"Call in today," Lucille says, kissing my neck as we lay in bed.

"I can't call in. I'm the coach," I laugh, tilting my head back to enjoy her lips. She's anything but affectionate. It's actually one of the things I've always liked about her. I'm not one for that touchy feely bullshit either, but this is nice.

"Tell me about her," Lucille says, her finger trailing the contours of my chest. "This other woman. Is she like me?"

"She's nothing like you."

"Maybe I do have a chance against her..."

"Lucille, stop. I'm in bed with you, aren't I? We're going to counseling. You know where I'm at every minute of the day. I wear my wedding ring."

"Do you think about her?"

I sigh and sit up.

"I'm sorry."

"Then why fucking ask?"

"Because you might be physically here, but you're not here, Negan. Probably off fucking her in your mind."

"Fuck you, that's bullshit." Is it, though? "Why is it always what I'm doing fucking wrong? Why is it always me?"

"Just fucking go to work then. Forget it."

I am so fucking done with arguing. I've had it. I need my head clear for today's game.

I walk into the teacher's lounge and open the fridge. I pull out my 114 ounce ketchup with the pump on it and set it on the table. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just put a straw in the ketchup and drink it. I guess having the fries make me feel less disgusting. My greasy hands reach for the newspaper on the table. The other day I actually had to tell one of these little shits what a newspaper was. He just looked at me like I was stupid when I said the original android.

I choke on my food, getting it all over the newspaper. However, what I want on it is saved. Vin is in the paper for her efforts on helping the homeless. I bring the paper closer to my face because the picture is small, but it's her. I shut her completely out of my life two weeks ago while tending to Lucille and trying to fix things in my marriage. Vin could have stayed in bed and cried over me, but she didn't.

I have a seat in my office and pick up the phone to call her motel room.

"I should make you wait two weeks before I pick up."

"I know I should have said something to you and I'm sorry. I've been really busy and I have a game today-"

"Don't let me keep you then."

I pull the phone away from my ear confused when she hangs up. "Fuck!"

I'm almost ejected from the game. I feel like shit which is making my players play like shit. I can't let them down because I had a bad day. A bad day that I am one hundred percent at fault for.

"Coach, do you need to borrow my glasses? That call was terrible."

My eyes shoot up towards the fence.

Vin has her arms folded across the top of the short chain link with a smile.

My eyebrows furrow at the sight. I don't fucking deserve her standing here right now. The money she didn't have that she's wasted on a taxi ride here could have been used on so many other things. I've asked Lucille since I started at the school to come to my games and she refuses. She says she doesn't like baseball. It's not about baseball. It's about having a support system. A support system that looks back at me that shouldn't be right now. I know what I have to do. No more lies. No more sneaking around. I'm going to be honest with her after the game, then fill out those divorce papers. I doubt she'll want anything to do with me after, but I can't keep living two lives.

I walk over to her and give her my best attempt to look pathetic. "You forgive me?"

"For now."

Fuck, isn't that the truth. I guess I'll just try to enjoy this last little bit.

With my head back in the game, we win. Maybe that's an arrogant thing to say. I didn't do anything, they did. This win puts us in the playoffs. I've waited for this moment since I began coaching, but nothing feels as good as seeing Vin waiting for me on the bleachers.

"Show me around," she smiles.

"You just want to see the food collection bin." Maybe stalling was more for me. I know I told myself that I was going to be honest with her, but I'd like to be honest with her after I'm honest about fucking her against my desk. Now… how do I get her to my office? Think, Negan. "Do you want to see my office?" Real motherfucking smooth.

"I thought that's where we were going?" Her eyes trailing my ass in these baseball pants do not help.

I drop the keys twice trying to open my door, but I don't think she minds. My eyes skim the hall before I go inside and lock the door. Be fucking cool, man. There's nothing fucking cool about a boner in baseball spandex.

"What are you doing with the door?"

"Nothing in particular. Just avoiding turning around with this big fat fucking chubby." I look over my shoulder to see her scooting up on my desk. Fuck it.

"Oh, my." Her eyes shoot up. "That's not a lowercase I at all."

When, in my fucking pathetic life, have I been nervous to fuck? "Yep. So. That's my penis." I slam my eyes shut at the use of a medical term. You fucking idiot. I rub the back of my neck. "Look. There's something that I want to talk to you about."

Vin scoots off the desk and starts for the door.

"Wait, please."

"I'm so stupid to throw myself at you as many times as I have. You're obviously not interested."

"I am interested in you! Fuck. Do you know what I would give up to fuck you right now on that desk?" You don't because I still haven't fucking told you about Lucille. "Goddamn." I run my hands over my face.

"You're married?!" She pulls my wrist towards her when she sees my wedding ring.

Oh, fucking fuck me.

"Is this new? Is this why you've been avoiding me for two weeks?"

"No, I've been married for ten years." Just keep putting that kerosene on the fire, Negan. I try with everything I've got to explain to Vin how Lucille and I are over. How I've filed for divorce. Her affairs. My affairs.

"That's what I am!? An affair?"

"No, Christ, no. Jesus. Vin, I'm leaving Lucille for you. Because I want to be with you and I don't want to have to hide shit anymore. Please, I know you're hurt, and I expect you to be, but do not let this be the last time I see you." I'm sure I've lost this woman before she was even mine with how long it took her to respond. As luck would fucking have it, right as she started to say something there's a knock on the door.

"Negan? Open the door."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, no! Lucille.

Vin's eyes widen.

I nod my head yes to Vin's look wondering if that's my wife. "Under the desk," I mouth, helping Vin.

Once she's under there, I fix the chair back in place and then the things that Vin knocked over on my desk.

"Hello?"

"I'm coming." I take a deep breath and open the door. "What?"

"Are you going to fucking let me in or what?"

I step out of the way and my stomach drops when she goes near the desk.

"Shut the door."

I am so fucked right now. Please, god, please let this woman say something that will show Vin that-

"I know you've always wanted to fuck me in your office, Coach."

Goodbye, Vin.

Lucille hikes up her skirt and sits on my desk. She's not wearing any panties.

Of course she's not. I know that I'm a monster when I actually consider fucking Lucille. I've already lost Vin. Do I really want to end up alone? No, I don't. So I fuck Lucille on the desk. It was so cold. So empty. I just keep imagining Vin under that desk, staring at Lucille's tresses that are hanging off the edge. I'm so thankful Lucille comes because I go limp.

"Uh."

"Please," I beg. I don't want to fight about this, too. I have never felt more emasculated that I do right now.

"Well, thanks for mine," she smiles. "I'm sorry about this morning. I love you. I'll see you at home."

I turn my attention to the desk when the door closes to see Vin's head poked up.

Her trembling hands gripping the desk. Her eyes as big as her glasses. Tears streaming down her face.

"I don't know what to say."

"Fuck you, you fucking fuck," she screams, getting up and slapping me across the face. Not once, but several times. "Did I fucking use the fuck word fucking right this time?"

"Vin-"

"Don't ever come near me again, or I will call the police!"

So what do I do? Go after her. Day by fucking day I try to work things out until a week later there is a knock at my front door.

"Mustang Sally," the officer starts. "We got a call saying you've been harassing a woman-"

"I just want to talk to her."

"Well, she doesn't want to talk to you. If this continues, she'll file a restraining order. We take that stuff pretty serious. I know you have a habit of breaking the law. Am I going to have problems with you? Perhaps I'll take you downtown right now. High schools tend to frown on their staff spending time in jail while being employed."

If I get a restraining order filed on me that will fuck everything up at the school. Fuck, I can't lose my job. After everything I've lost… my work is the only thing from putting a shotgun in my mouth. "No," I frown. "We won't have any problems." As I close the door behind him, Lucille asks who that was. I just can't take it anymore. All these lies. I'm angry. Hurt. And I don't even have the fucking right to be.

I tell Lucille that Vin was under the desk while I fucked her.

"Get the fuck out, Negan."

"And go fucking where!?"

"Go to that whore."

"She's not a whore," I snap, knocking framed photos off the wall. "Whore? Fucking pot calling the kettle black. I'm not leaving my own home, Lucille. If you don't like it, get the fuck out!"

"You fucking asshole."

"You act fucking surprised," I snarl, stopping up the steps. Everyone always acts fucking surprised that I'm an asshole!


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Two months will pass in this chapter.**

* * *

"Negan? Negan," Lucille cries.

Huh? What? What's with all the bright lights? Fuck, I'm going to puke. When I finally come around, two doctors and a nurse are standing over me.

Lucille sobs quietly against my hand.

What the… fuck?

"Negan, do you know where you're at right now," one of the doctors ask me.

I can't really form complete sentences. I'm slow to react to everything. The last thing I remember is driving my… fuck.

"Negan, an SUV t-boned you at seventy miles per hour on the driver's side. You're at the hospital, and frankly, very lucky to be alive," the doctor recollects.

Yeah. Lucky me. I look around the room to see gifts from my students. Cards and balloons. Flowers? The hell, who brought me those? I guess the gesture is nice.

Other than my coma and concussion, I didn't sustain any broken bones. Just a few minor cuts and nasty bruises. I think the worst part is this catheter in my piss hole. My eyes shift back over to the flowers. They're dried up. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"A little over two weeks."

Fuck. The playoffs. Which I would later find out that we lost.

Once I'm released from the hospital, I often find myself sitting in the recliner in my empty garage. My car couldn't be salvaged. It's in a storage facility, but the repair bill is not something I'll ever be able to afford on my salary. The entire reason I got into that wreck just upsets me even more. After the fight with Lucille and Vin, I started messing around with any woman that would look my way. I got into it big time with one of them and left pissed off. Now I'm here. I sigh because this is karma. Karma for… what did Vin call me? A shitter? Yeah, I'm that.

"Gosh, you've been out here for hours. Baby, if I could afford to fix that car for you, I would. I know how much you loved it."

I fold my arms and look away from her with a pout. "You hated that car," I mumble.

"But I love you."

This actually gets me a pity blow job. Lucille sure has been… generous since my wreck.

"You like that?"

I raise my eyebrow up and nod.

"Come inside and I'll finish you off."

Two hours later I'm still sitting in this chair with my pants around my ankles. I'm just so fucking numb. I've lost everything because I'm stupid. I fucking loved that car...

* * *

"Happy Birthday," Lucille tells me. "I have something for you. It's out in the garage."

God, I hope it's a noose.

"Come on. Get off the couch."

I know the sooner I do it, the faster she'll shut the fuck up.

"Ta-da!"

My eyes skim the ping-pong table. I do love ping-pong, but I just keep thinking about the five hundred dollars she spent that could have gone towards my car. "Thanks," I reply.

"Do you want to play?"

"No. I'm going out for a little bit."

Even my birthday threesome is disappointing. I've always wanted to fuck two women at the same time, but this just ends up being a lot of work trying to stay hard. I end up kicking them out of the motel so I can sulk in peace.

I've been staring at this phone now for a while. Fuck it. I pick it up and dial Vin. I just… need to talk to her. Even if she tells me to fuck myself. At this point, I really have nothing to fucking lose.

The beard brushing against the receiver gives Niko away before his voice does. "Yeah," his harsh voice asks.

I slam the phone down so hard I break it. "Fuck!" I yank it from the wall and throw it out of the goddamn window. In the minibar are ten small bottles that I chug. It's three am. What's he doing at her hotel at three am? He sounded like he just woke up. This is going to fucking kill me.

* * *

I lost my job at the high school today. Being hungover from my birthday didn't exactly help my cause as I plead for it back. They're not completely without sympathy because I'm giving a job at the middle school coaching gym.

"Did they say why?" Lucille asks.

"Why do you think, Lucille? I drink too much. I swear too much. I'm tardy too much." Fuck, I thought that was just for the kids, but I guess it's for the coaches too.

"It's ok, we'll make it work."

I don't even fucking care if I lose the house. One less bill.

* * *

"What the fuck, Negan?"

Here it goes. My daily bitchfest with Lucille. I wonder what it is I did today?

"You're a role model to these kids. I've got their parents on the phone saying you cussed them out?!"

Oh, right. That. "Only one of them! And I was just messing with them."

"Have you lost your mind? The school is going to fire you."

If we're being honest, the shit that comes out of these filthy fucker's mouth is ten times worse than anything I've ever heard at the high school. Now I have to think what to say to pacify this bullshit so I can get back to sulking. "The school?! These kids aren't going to respect me if I have a stick up my butt outside of school. I have to be the cool teacher. You should hear the shit they say!"

"Yeah, but they're not-" Lucille's eyes roll back in her head and she hits the pavement outside.

The fuck… I rush to her side. She's completely unconscious. "Oh, god! Wake up. Wake up!"

"She okay?" My neighbor asks.

"Call nine-one-one!"

* * *

 **A/N I really loved writing this chapter. It was cathartic especially after my wreck and losing my first Mustang. That's one of the reasons Negan was so pouty. Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. The outbreak is near, all! Get ready!**


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm sorry," the doctor tells us, leaving the room.

Lucille wraps her arms around me and sobs uncontrollably.

All the stomach aches she's been having that they dismissed as a virus… well, it turns out to be pancreatic cancer. I'm not fucking naive. I know what this means. I'm losing my wife. Even with the surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy, it doesn't do anything but make her weak.

A piece of shit doesn't even really begin to describe me. While Lucille was dying, I was off fucking other women. Until one night, everything just stopped. That lustful part of me died completely. I know that I caused Lucille's cancer. Through some divine intervention maybe. My punishment for being about the worst human being on this planet. Who fucking cheats on their dying wife? Calling her my wife is something that I don't even deserve because, not but a few months ago, I was trying to file for divorce.

"Negan?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I say, sliding into bed next to Lucille.

"S'okay. I'd be up puking in a little while regardless. Something wrong?"

"I… I ended it." Here her words are leaving my mouth.

"..."

Her silence really throws me for a loop. Maybe she doesn't believe me.

"Now?! You wait for this to end it?! Why?"

"I don't need it. I don't… want it anymore. I just want you. I just want us to be together."

"Well… you're not going to have that for very long. What's wrong with you? Why would you pick the sick one?"

I don't answer her question because I don't fucking know. If I had been there for her and not… if I didn't… would she had been strong enough to fight the cancer?

Maybe the question is, if I had been there for her, would she have **wanted** to fight?

* * *

The cancer really hardened her. I, however, became a complete vagina. I don't remember a meal with her or a walk in the park that didn't end up without me crying. And she'd be there telling me to knock it off. That I was making a scene.

* * *

I hold my wife's hand for the last time as I watch her numbers deplete on the monitor. Not even the best hospital five hours away from home could help. It's just… too late.

The most violent storm moves in that night. Chaos fills the hall. The backup generator has kicked on from the loss of power. All the madness outside is exactly how I feel inside.

The hospital door flings open. "Sir! Sir! We've evacuated this hospital! This area is not safe! You need to come with me!"

"What?!" Over some fucking rain? "I'm not fucking leaving my wife!"

"She's too sick to move, there's nothing we can do!"

When he touches me, I snap. "Get your fucking hands off me!"

"It's not safe here. Save yourself!"

I get up and go to the window as I draw back the curtains. It's not even raining. Where the hell is that thunder coming from? As I look to my right, one of the cars in the street explodes. People have lost their fucking mind, looting and running through the streets. "What the fuck…" Then I see something that I have never seen before. People on fire are just sluggishly walking through the street! "Those people… there's something wrong with them!" I look behind me when I hear a loud noise.

"Run, man! Run," a punk kid tells me.

I slam Lucille's door shut. "Fuck. What the fuck!?" There's a heavy dresser where the TV sits on that I strain to pull over to the door. The last thing I need is one of those firewalking people in this room. Fucking maniacs. "Shit, Lucille." I turn to face her. "Probably best you're sleeping through this. Should all be over… by the time you… wake up." All the generators have failed by now. I touch my index and middle finger to her neck to feel for a pulse.

I think I held her limp hand for three hours as I sit on the floor beside her bed. Hoping she'll wake up and I won't be alone. My ass is so numb, and that's the only reason that I get up. As I start to rise, I hear more chaos in the street. "Fucking shit…" You have got to be shitting me. People are… eating each other in the fucking streets! The bodies of the dead are being feasted on by the living. Christ, is it airborne?! Am I infected? Is that what got Lucille? Maybe she never even had cancer. I need a doctor. I need to get-

"Guh..." Lucille reaches for me. "Guh. Guh."

Thank god she's awake. My eyes widen as she throws herself from the bed and hits the floor. "Lucille?!" I try and help her roll over. "Lucille?! Are you ok?! I thought you were- I thought you'd-"

She hisses at me as her jaw becomes unhinged.

I trip over my own feet and back into the wall. "Lucille?!" What the fuck! Jesus fuck. This can't be happening. This is a goddamn nightmare. Oh my god. What if I died in that fucking car accident and this is hell!?

Her face… she's got missing teeth from hitting the floor and her eyes are sunk in. Her flesh is a gray decaying color. She's not even making any sense. Just grunts and growls. "You're not… do you? It's me. It's your husband."

She tries to bite my fucking hand!

After all this time. All this fucking time, my tears decide they're going to fall. Probably because of what a fucking coward I'm about to become. I lean over and place a kiss on top of her head. "I'm sorry." I take in Lucille one last time before picking myself up and leaving my wife in that hospital room to rot…

* * *

 **A/N I will have another update in a few days. This chapter was Lucille's.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N This chapter is extremely bleak.**

* * *

I sit in my leased car in the parking garage for six hours. I think about my students and hope they've been evacuated. Think about how I used to hate paying bills. Now money doesn't mean fuck all. My possessions. Probably all looted. One constant thought is Lucille. The other is Vin. I couldn't protect Lucille, but, maybe, just maybe I can protect Vin. I start the engine and head to the city... it's just... not that easy.

* * *

I ran out of gas an hour ago. You'd think, just loot more, but it doesn't work like that. Everyone wants what you have. It's just best to stay in the shadows. People mean the risk of the infected ones. Or panic, or both. There's no more law. No government, and it's only been two days. Some people take it upon themselves to become leaders. I don't care about any of that shit. I just want to get to Vin.

Once I fight my way to her motel, it's vacant. No Vin. Not even that bearded fuck Niko. Am I too late? Is she one of the fire people? One of the infected? Is she like Lucille?

Cell phones don't work. Payphones don't have a dial tone. The TV is only fuzz. The radio is constant recordings. I step outside as I stand in the middle of the parking lot. For the first time in my life, I'm alone.

* * *

I follow one of the broadcasts to a city outside of Baltimore. It's too late. The virus has spread, causing the people inside the 'safe' fenced area to turn into some kind of monster. A creature. They decay, but they're not entirely dead. If they bite you, you become one of them. They chase after you, and nothing slows them down except if you put a bullet in their skull. Or an ax. Anything that destroys the brain. The dead seem to be everywhere. At times, they surround me. Still. I'm alone.

* * *

My fingers pass through the coarse stubble on my jawline. It's been twenty days. Trying to survive is a lot easier as the population depletes. You can sleep anywhere. Everything is up for grabs. Food. Ammunition. Clothing. But for how long? Once these resources are gone, that's it.

With each day comes a far greater terror than the one previously. I join up with this group. Hopefully, improve my chances of survival.

Today I witness the group rape a young girl. By the time I'm able to fight them off, with the exception of one man who got away, the girl ends her life. I take in my surroundings with a sigh. I'm alone. I'm really fucking alone.

* * *

I return back to my home. Board up the windows. Live there for a bit. I occasionally see my neighbor's corpse drift up and down the sidewalk. I could stay here and live out my days, but I can't. Everything reminds me of Lucille. I miss her so goddamn much. I don't want to be alone.

* * *

Now that there are even fewer people, I decide to try a car again. You can't get fuel from the gas stations, but there is plenty to siphon.

"Maybe that's our gas you're taking."

I glance over my shoulder at the group. "Maybe you'll be taking my beating in return. I mean. I'll give you a beating. Not that you'll be…" Fuck. "That was supposed to sound fucking clever and it… Let me start over. I haven't spoken out loud in a few weeks."

"Listen, you clown, just give us the gas can."

Once I stand up and embellish my size, that gets the attention my words can't. "There are five of us. We'll fit just fine in the car. Follow me." I notice this fuck named Paul carrying a bat. It reminds me of… best not to get nostalgic at this point.

After two hours of travel, something isn't right with this car. Shit. Black smoke. Fuel is flooding the engine.

The group gets out to walk away, acting like this is my fault.

In this new world, I can be anyone I want to be so I just play dumb. "It was an honest mistake. I thought it was just out of gas. I know fuck all about cars." I'm just scared of being alone at this point. "I found a place with clean beds." That seems to get their attention. Though I'm not one for the small talk at night. Especially when the questions start.

"What about you, Negan? You lose anyone?"

New world. I can be anyone. "No. I'm alone."

* * *

Today I shoot my first real game. I don't know if the kill is more rewarding, or the food. "I've never fired a gun in my life. Feels like I've got a ten-foot dick made out of a giant dick that ejaculates dicks. Seriously. Guns are the shit. My dick fires warm, pearly snot wads. This phallic majesty ejaculates hot fucking death into whatever I point it at."

The group falls silent.

"What? Too much dick talk?" I drop my food and grab my gun. "Holy shit! Behind you! Get down!" We're overrun by twenty of these fucks.

Paul, the one with the bat, ends up a human buffet. I use the bat to kill off a bunch of what's left. Fuck. Ironically, the gun doesn't give me half of the gratification killing those fucks with the bat does. I think I'll keep it. "I mean… he ain't using it anymore, right? Right?" I look around when no one answers me. Great. I'm alone.

* * *

Today is one of the sickest things I've seen since the outbreak started. And I have seen things beyond human comprehension. A couple purposely pushes their children into a group of undead in a disgusting attempt to survive.

"Come on," the woman says.

I raise my gun and put a bullet into the mother and father. My only regret is the bullet enters the backs of their skulls as they ran so they couldn't feel fear like the children. And, now, I'm alone.

* * *

The fuck is WalMart? This place definitely wasn't in my small town. It has just about everything you'd need. Convenient as fuck.

"What about these," the girl flirts I've been traveling with. She holds up about the ugliest set of lingerie, if you could call it that.

I shake my head and go back to looking for batteries. The lustful part of me is still dead inside. Truthfully, I don't know if it will ever-

"Negan," she shrills.

My first instinct is always to help, but something in me just snaps. I walk away from the girl as she's attacked by the dead.

She catches up once I'm outside. "Negan. Stop. It was so fast I couldn't…"

"Fuck you."

"What?"

"You're bit?! Fuck you! Go fucking fuck yourself up your fucking ass, you fuck. I'm sick to death of this shit! I'm sick of you people. You're all fucking weak. All you ever do is die. So go die." I leave her to do just that. Just like all the others. I'll be the last motherfucker left. Alone.

* * *

I reach for my gun when I hear something stir in the woods. "Things sneaking up on me in the dark are either dead or about to be."

The guy has his hands out, smirk ear to ear. "C'mon… you weren't going to eat that whole thing by yourself, were you? I'm Dwight. You look like you could use some company."

Hmm. "That a crossbow?"

"Yeah. Sure is."

"Let me hold that fucker while we eat, and half a rabbit is coming your way." I don't give a shit about his crossbow, but this thing will come in handy for trade after I kill him and steal it. He's pretty dense though. And knowing my luck, he'll probably be killed before the night is over. I hand the thing back over. "These arrows… they reusable?"

"Yeah. Couple times. Maybe three. As long as you can get them back. And they're called bolts."

Whatever, it's fucking stupid. I can't remember his name, but he invites me back to his camp. "It's almost dark, stranger. You leading me to a trap? I must warn you, I'm a bad motherfucker who will split your skull the fuck in half if you cross me."

"Understood. I told you, the name's Dwight. I'm not a stranger. And no. No trap. I've got a camp. It'll be safer than where you were. I'm trying to be nice."

People ain't nice. Either it's a trap, or he desperately needs more people. I guess I'm down. For now.

"Negan, allow me to introduce you to-"

"Stop. Don't bother. They last more than a few days, I'll learn their names. If they don't, what's the point? Nice to meet all of you. Carry on with whatever you were doing." I came with Dwight for one reason. A group means a chance to find Vin. Well, I don't see her or that bearded fuck. The group is welcoming despite me being cold, but for how long? How long until the women are used as breeders? How long until the men kill each other for power? How long until the children are used as a distraction to get away from the undead? How long until everyone fucking dies? I might be in a group, but one thing still holds true.

 **I'm** **alone**.

* * *

 **A/N I suspect a certain redhead is lurking around :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Sorry for the missed update. I just haven't felt good this week.**

* * *

There's some shitty motel we find to hold up in. I don't mind it, but it's a painful reminder of her. God, I hope Vin's not one of the dead. That those big beautiful brown eyes now a murky gray.

I pull the blinds off the window in the bathroom for more light so I can shave. When my motel room door opens, I roll my eyes and apply my shaving cream. It's more than likely Sherry, Dwight's wife. She's been trying to fuck me since day one. "Go away."

"What are you doing," she asks, leaning against the bathroom door frame.

"Shaving, the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" I guess she's not leaving. Lucky me… I don't know what it is about Sherry, but something doesn't sit right with me. She's way too nice to me. Women aren't nice to me. I mean, Vin was, but women don't look my fucking way. At least, not anymore. "Going to be dark and motherfucking spooky as all hell in here once the sun goes down, Sherry." As in go the fuck back to Dwight. "But this could get us through the winter. I've always liked hotels." It reminds me of Vin.

"Me, too. Mostly for the things that are typically done in them."

Is she fucking hitting on me again?

Sherry unfolds her arms and hops up on the counter. "Did you have a wife named Lucille?"

I lower my razor. "How the fuck did you know that?"

"You said her name in your sleep."

Fuck! I could have played that off if I didn't get so emotional about that shit.

"I figured you'd lost your family with how cold you were towards us, but when you said her name it all came together. Negan, I don't know how to tell you this or if you even care or if it matters. Hell, maybe you already know."

"Know what?" Now I'm concerned as fuck.

Sherry lowers her head. "I caught Dwight cheating a year after we'd been married. He wasn't very smart, taking her to his boat and shit... in the fucking driveway of all places. One night he said Lucille in his sleep, too. I asked him about it and he confessed to cheating with a woman-"

And that was all I fucking needed to hear. Dwight was the fucking sailor?! "Goddammit," I hiss, breaking the handle on this razor. "Fucking shit, fuck fuck fucking fuck! That fucking little prick? That greasy haired son of a bitch? I'm twice the fucking man he is!" I'm so fucking angry right now, I can't even think.

Sherry drops her jacket to the floor then pulls her tank top over her head.

My eyes trail her soft tear shaped breasts. Her slim waist. I am not attracted to this woman in the least, but I fuck her against that counter and then once over the desk in the room. Worst fucking lay in my life, but it's my middle finger to Dwight.

* * *

Sherry always has that look in her eyes like she fucking loves me or some shit when she sees me.

I use it to my advantage to blow my load whenever she comes onto me. Which is every night. Sometimes she even sneaks in in the morning and we go at it. I only fuck her because I hope that Dwight will walk in.

"Quiet, someone will hear us," she panics.

It isn't even good. And there is always that part of me that feels guilty because of Vin. Even though I will never see her again… even though I fucked her over beyond belief… I still care for that woman. God, I care for her.

* * *

Fucking Sherry is like fucking some plastic fuck doll. One night, I turn her away. I just can't even get it up. The more I fuck her, the guiltier I feel. It isn't helping me cope with the fact that my wife fucked Dwight. It's just fucking with my head. We need to get out of this fucking motel and fast before I lose my goddamn mind.

* * *

It's not WalMart, but it will do. "It's getting colder. Everyone grab a few extra layers. I don't want to hear any complaints. Warmth over style." Unless you find something with both. I pull the leather jacket from the back of the chair. Surprisingly, it fits. I say that because I'm a big motherfucker. Nothing ever fits. I look the scarf over that Vin gave me before stuffing it in my pocket. It faintly smells like her, and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.

"You got pretty comfortable telling us what to do," Dwight starts. "What were you... y'know before?"

"I was a bad motherfucker. And by bad motherfucker, I mean gym teacher. You care for the kids, you bark orders at them to keep them from getting fat. They may cry a little, but it's for their own fucking good. You assholes are growing on me. I don't want you to get yourselves killed."

"Fair enough. Think we should spend the night here or get a move on?"

"Hold that thought. Looks like we're not the only ones that decided to go shopping today." I walk towards the large group. "Greetings, folks. Come on in. More than plenty for all of us."

"Don't move." A gun is pointed at my face, even after I tell them I just want to talk. "I'd really like to. How do I know we can trust you?"

I've had enough. "Listen, asshole. I greeted with a smile and you pointed a fucking gun at me. We have guns too, but we don't aim them at the living. Trust me on that."

"You know what? I really like this guy. Where you people headed to next?"

"This is good. Safety in numbers, I say. We can really do some damage." I notice one of the women freezing and offer her my jacket. She acts like I'm going to hurt her.

"You like what you see," the leader starts. "You want to try the merchandise, you just let me know. Trust me, man. It's a whole new world now. **Anything** goes."

My eyes skim the group, especially the women when it hits me. These men are selling women to other men to do god knows what with in exchange for supplies. They all look so malnourished and frightened. To think that men would try something this evil-

Dark eyes lock on mine as she pushes her oversized glasses up with her knuckle.

Sweet Christ. Vin!


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N This chapter is short but significant for Negan.**

* * *

Vin's gaze is brief. Not only does she take her eyes from me, but she turns her back.

One of the men slide up behind Vin. "Where do you think you're going, honey?"

"Get out of my way," Vin tells him.

This fucking piece of shit takes her by the arm and thrusts his pelvis against her back. "Let's go have some fun-"

That was it for that fat fuck. I lower my gun as he hits the ground. His brains leak out onto the pavement, carried away by blood down the imperfections in the concrete. It isn't until the leader speaks that it breaks my stare. "You," I extend my arm out towards him. "What are you saying exactly? About how it's a whole new world now?"

His eyes shift side to side. "C'mon, man. You know."

"Yeah," I clench my fist. "I think I do." I get right in this fuck's face. "I have to say, I have a real fucking problem with it, too. You should still be aware of the fucking world around you. It's us against them, right? So shouldn't we try to treat us a little better? If you'll do that with a woman, well, maybe you're a little closer to them than I'd like. I mean, you either value a human life or you fucking don't, right?" I don't expect him to put his hands on me, but I end up landing in barbed fucking wire as it slices me in every fucking direction. The worst is to my right side on my ribs. That's gonna fucking scar. I grab for my baseball bat and swing it right across his face. Not once, but twice. Truth be told, I get a little carried away because I smash this fuckers head in.

His group and my group look at me like I've lost my goddamn mind.

But I will not let something like this go unpunished.

After that, people fall in line pretty fucking quick. Fuck, and I'm going to bleed out here. I get my jacket on and search for Vin. I see Niko is still alive. Goddammit. And how the fuck could he allow this to happen to Vin!?

"Excuse me, that's mine." Vin takes her serrated machete that has a brass knuckle grip from one of the fucks in that group.

I chuckle nervously at the weapon and try to break the ice. "That is bad fucking ass, Vin."

"Thanks. I call it Ass Destroyer."

"Uh. Did those men… did they touch you?" It's not any of my business, and I'm not sure if I want to know.

"No, Niko and I were only with them for about an hour..."

My relief sickens me because women were still abused at the expense of those pricks. I'm just protective of Vin's innocence. I want something more for her. I've always wanted something more for her. Things could have been so much worse. Fuck, there goes those disgusting selfish thoughts again.

"...hearing they were selling women was news to us."

I can't believe I found her. Christ, it's like seeing her for the first time. That nervous feeling. Trying to think of some bullshit just as an excuse to talk to her. I come up with nothing, so I decide to extend her an offer. "Vin, we have food. Numbers. A place we're going to clear to-"

"That's great," she condescendingly interrupts. "Now, leave me alone." Those words, however, drip with disdain.

"Vin, wait-"

Niko steps in front of me to keep me from chasing after her. "Look, you might have fifty pounds and five inches on me, but I won't go down easy. You stay the fuck away from her. Especially after everything you put her through. Did you have to listen to her cry? Or ask why she wasn't good enough? Fuck you, Negan. Fuck you."

I want to strangle this fuck until he tells me that I've messed with Vin's self-worth. It fucks me up to the point I have to walk away or I will break.

I sit at the edge of the creek with my knees up and my arms over them. My strength crumbles and I let go. I hang my head and start to sob.

I recall very few times in my life where my character breaks like this. These past few months, fuck. I don't know how much more I can take. This world, and losing Lucille, has definitely changed me. I just wonder how much it's changed Vin. Will she still be the same woman I fell in love with? I guess it doesn't really matter if she wants nothing to do with me…

* * *

 **A/N So do you see what I did there? :)**


	15. Chapter 15

I turn my head when I hear something beside me. "Vin?" I wipe my face, trying to gain some dignity back.

She has a seat beside me.

All I've wanted is this second chance.

Vin hands over some medical supplies.

I didn't forget about the wound, I just have other things on my mind, but I need to get this bleeding under control or I won't be talking much longer. There's so much I want to blurt out. It's so foolish of me to think that I can smooth things over with her, but, goddammit, I'm going to try. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did to her.

"You hurt me."

Fuck. We're not off to a good start. I nod because the lump in my throat hurts too much to speak.

"Why didn't you tell me about her? About… Lucille."

I need to say as much as I can, but be particular about it because I know I have one shot. "I didn't want to be alone, but that worked out as you can see." Fail.

"Did she leave you?"

I thought about lying because I feel like the truth will guilt Vin, but lying got me into this mess. "She died of cancer. The day everything fell to fuck."

"Is that why you started something with me?"

"No. She was diagnosed a few months after we stopped seeing each other. Vin, you were never a backup. Fucking Lucille that day on the desk… I did that because I knew you'd never want anything to do with me again after finding out I was married. I was scared, and it was stupid. The bottom line is, it was selfish. What I should have done is told Lucille to get out. Even if you left me. Because being alone would have been better than hurting you."

"Niko said you called one night at three in the morning."

"It was my birthday and I wanted to hear your voice. Even if it was you telling me to shit off. Does he treat you ok?"

"We're not together. I moved out of the motel and into the one across the street because I didn't want to see you again. He took my old room."

Damn. I spent a lot if time being jealous for nothing. Guess it serves me right. No, it doesn't even serve me right. Niko could fuck Vin and Vin could make me hold her hair and it still wouldn't compare to the shit that I did to her. "I figured you'll probably go your separate ways with Niko, but if you don't you're welcome to stay with my group. If you want me to fuck off, I will. But if there is any chance that I can make things up to you, I will. Whatever it takes. I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you." It was the most pathetic I have ever been, but I don't care. When she doesn't answer, I sigh and drop my head. "I miss you so goddamn fucking much."

"I miss your car."

I turn to look over at her and start laughing as I sniff up my nose. "I do, too."

"Run out of gas?"

"SUV hit me at seventy miles an hour. It's in that country storage place by the supermarket you used to work at. I couldn't afford to fix it. The doctor said I was lucky to be alive, but I didn't care. I cared about that fucking car. I used to sit in my garage and daydream about it. That day I taught you how to drive was the best day of my life until I fucked that up, too."

"You did fuck that up." Her hand runs through the back of my hair. "But you are lucky to be alive."

I'm so goddamn hopeful and that's a dangerous thing. "Am I, though? Sometimes I truly believe the only reason I'm here is that I should suffer for the rest of my life. For what I did to you. To Lucille."

"To your car."

"I'm being serious, Vin."

"That's a first."

"I love you." I'm slugged right in the mouth.

"How dare you tell me that, Negan!"

I spit blood on the grass. "I know that I'll never see you again after this, Vin. That's why I'm telling you this. That you weren't some fucking affair. You weren't a distraction. I know that what I feel for you is love because I've never tried to fuck you. If you think back to every time you threw yourself at me, I never took it further. I respect you and fuck only knows that I don't respect a lot of fucks. Please. No more lies, I swear to Christ. Just stay. I'm begging you to stay with my group. Vin, please, give me another chance."

* * *

 **A/N I know that I'm really bad with cliffhangers, but I'm curious to know your thoughts. Would you forgive Negan? Should Vin forgive Negan?**


	16. Chapter 16

"Another chance, Negan?" Vin is all out of sympathy for me. "Maybe I'll let Niko fuck me on a desk while you're under it. Watching my hair drape down. Then we'll talk about fucking chances."

"You don't think that hurt me?!"

"Don't your shitting dare raise your voice to me! You need to be thankful that I'm still here. And that is all you're going to get from me."

"Vin, no," I whine. "Please don't fucking do this to me."

"Don't talk to me, don't even look my direction, or Ass Destroyer and I are leaving this fuck show."

Fuck show, that's a good one. I might have to take that one. "Wait, you're staying?"

"I said don't acknowledge me!"

I just lower my head because I don't know what to do. As she walks away, I sneak a peek. It's so fucking bittersweet. To know she's staying, but I can't even look at her. For her to be near, but I can't speak to her. But if she's staying, fuck. I'll do anything, and just hope that one day things… I guess it doesn't really do much good to have hope. What has hope ever fucking done for me? Not shit.

So, I give it my all and succeed. I push Vin completely out of my mind. Any orders, I give to Niko, and he relays them as needed. For two months it works, until I find some of those goddamn macaroni socks in a WalMart. I plop down on the floor and sob. What the fuck have I done?! You fucked Lucille because you were scared to be alone? You fucking idiot! Look where that got you? On a dirty floor holding children's pasta socks and expelling water knowing you can't afford. Even if Vin gave me another chance, what's she going to say about Sherry? Another stupid decision, all to get back at Dwight, but he's too fucking airheaded to notice. "Fuck!"

* * *

After this pity fuck show, I purge every single emotion of mine. I walk outside, running my thumb over a piece of this bat. There are barriers made from barbed wire in the parking lot.

Barbed wire.

Bat.

Barbed wire.

Bat.

I crouch down, taking a piece of the wire and twisting it around the bat. Everything makes sense now. Losing Lucille gave me inner strength I didn't know that I had. Strength that I need for the way the world is now. And in a weird way, it's giving me the strength not to put a fucking gun in my mouth and pull the trigger after the way things have ended with me and Vin.

Lucille meant everything to me. I didn't know it at the time, not all the time, at least. There were moments, but for the most part, I was a piece of shit. It wasn't until she was gone that I really knew what she meant to me. I think about the people the last few months that died, yet I feel nothing. Not for them. Not for myself. Not for anyone. I wasn't scared. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. Well, sometimes I was angry. Sometimes I was furious. But for the most part, nothing. It takes me until now to realize why. It was Lucille. She protected me. She placed me in a bubble, where nothing got to me. Made me strong. Helped me survive.

I get to my feet, looking over my bat.

No.

Not a bat.

Lucille.

My Lucille.

It gives me an idea. Instead of watching these sorry fucks die like I have so many other weak motherfuckers along the way, I'll let Lucille protect them, too. These people will stand with me and anyone who tries to hurt us, anyone who gets in our way, will end up like that motherfucker selling women.

The first victim my Lucille claims is ironically one of the people that I first met on the road. One of those men who tried to force himself on that girl that managed to escape. "Let me tell you about Lucille…" I swing her like a golf club between the man's legs. "Get nasty, girl." I silence his screams by cracking him right in the throat. Whoops. That might have done it for this fuck. "Well, they'll be others," I explain to Lucille when she's upset at how quick that fuck went down.

 _They'll be others._

Truer words have never been spoken.

* * *

 **A/N Thank you for all the feedback last chapter! I can't tell you how much it means to me! I was relieved that everyone wants Vin to eventually forgive Negan. Anyhow, I promise some fluff is on the way soon! This story is going to change over to an M rating in the coming chapters.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N Yes to the person who asked if this is going to be a long story.**

* * *

The outbreak started in June. It's now November. The nights are so unbearably cold. We need a place we can fortify. Not just go from house to house while burning wood until the place gets too filthy and then it's off to the next dump. "What if we take these eight camper trailers and make a rectangle out of them? That way we're protected on all sides and can have a base camp in the middle. We'd be near the stream for water. I just don't think we have many options and this looks like our best one." This is the first and last time I will ever ask for an opinion because everyone has one which is mostly complaining. I shut that shit down right away. From now on, things will be done my way, and if people don't like it they can fuck right the fuck off.

I don't even come close to fitting on this camper mattress. I pull the chair ottoman over to prop my feet and what part of my legs are hanging off it. I'm so fucking miserable trying to sleep. The temperature outside is got to be in its thirties which means that's what it's about in here. Though, if I'm honest with myself, that's not it at all. I overheard Niko ask Vin what camper they should pick. This is fucking killing me to know that he's up against her claiming it's for warmth. I mean, I'd do the same goddamn thing, but fuck Niko.

I push open the front door and barely make it from camp before starting to dry heave. There's nothing in my stomach, but it's still so fucking upset.

"Are you sick," one of the women ask me. Even though I don't answer, she follows me back anyway. "Can I do anything for you?"

Old Negan would have had this broad against the wall, but I just can't even think about that shit right now. My dick is just for show, and I send her on her way.

I look through the cabinet for alcohol, groaning at the annoying knock on the door. "Go the fuck away," I snap. When it starts again, I go to my bed to get farther from it with my bottle of whiskey. I'm not tired and plop down on the edge of it. "What?" I'm getting frustrated. Thankfully, the knocking stops though my head still feels it. I massage my temples when in my peripherals I see someone. "Fuck. You scared the living fuck shit out of me!"

"I knocked," Vin shrugs. "You said what."

"What as in what do you want. Not as in come in."

"Fine."

"No, wait, Vin," I beg. When she turns around, I lower my eyes from her.

She has a seat beside me. "I wanted to stay mad at you forever, but when I watched that woman touch your back it angered me. I realized it wouldn't be like that if I wasn't jealous."

"I wasn't the least bit turned on. You'd definitely need your glasses for this lowercase I." It makes her laugh and I have to fucking turn away and look at the wall so I don't lose it. "I should have been better to you."

"You were always good to me, Negan. And you didn't have to be. You've defended me. Helped me when I was at my lowest. It was your dishonesty that drove us apart."

"Will you ever let me look at you again?"

"Maybe at my feet so you can grovel. It was a joke," she says when I get on my knees.

My eyes widen when her hand touches my cheek. I drop my head into her lap and wrap my arms around her. I'm so goddamn pathetic. "I'm a fucking fool. The day you caught my attention, I should have realized that was the end of my marriage and filed for divorce before I even tried anything. All the sneaking around I did because I didn't want to hurt you and look where it got me? Right fucking here. With no one, and nothing."

"You have half a bottle of whiskey."

"Stop it," I laugh softly.

"Look at me."

The words don't even leave her lips and my eyes are locked with hers. Foggy dark eyes from the dirty scratched lenses. Here I get permission to look at her, and I just want to pull her against me. "I fucking miss you. I will do any-fucking-thing to make shit right between us."

"Negan, you can't possibly expect me to forgive you because of a two months of distance and a talk."

"And I don't, Vin. I don't. I just want the chance at forgiveness, and I don't care how long it takes."

"I don't know if I can trust you. You've been dishonest so much, I think, what if this is a lie, too?"

That is my worst fucking fear, and it's a valid concern of hers. Just being this close to her is something I never thought would happen. "All I can do is show you that I've changed."

"Yeah. I better get back."

"No, please. Five more minutes."

"One."

"I'll take it." Christ, she's beautiful. I fucked it up. And another man is going to be at her side. "Here, take my jacket to keep warm tonight."

"No. That's what the wood stove is for."

"Wood stove?" You mean this entire time I've been freezing my nips off for nothing?

Vin shows me how to work it.

I'll have to figure it out later because I'm not taking my eyes from her.

"Your minute is up."

"Well, could I walk you back to your camper?"

"...alright."

I try to get a good peek inside her camper once we arrive and notice Niko on the couch. It settles my nerves a little bit knowing she'll be in the back room.

"Goodnight, jerk."

"I deserve that." Her sweet soft smile walks me from the ledge. I take her cold hand and touch my lips to her fingers. "Goodnight, Vin." I linger outside the camper after she closes the door.

Niko tells her to be careful with me.

She replies that she's keeping her guard up.

That's ok though. I'd expect that. What I didn't expect is everything that happened tonight. I return to my camper and start thinking of real romantical type shit. Little things I can do to show her I care. And maybe, just maybe, we can get back to the way things were.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N Here's the awkward fluff promised.**

* * *

For the next few weeks, I really try to keep my distance from Vin. I figure, this way, I won't fuck shit up.

Things are going well, despite the freezing temperatures. There's a break in the snow, so were out scavenging. We found this decent sized truck for hauling back supplies, and a van we stash just in case shit hits the fan. Our little community has grown to twenty-four people.

"Help," a voice calls from down the street we're near.

"Negan, look at all the roamers. She's done for," Dwight says.

I know I said I didn't give a fuck, but I'm not about to admit Dwight is right.

"Negan, you're putting us all in danger," he says when I tell them we're going after the girl.

"And you are too if you just stand here while the rest of us try and save her." Christ, we really almost do die. These undead fucks are everywhere, but we manage.

In the strangest turn of events, this girl calls out Vin's name.

Vin is equally excited. "Teddy!" She throws her arms around the woman.

"Niko," Teddy smiles.

Vin met Teddy at the new motel she was staying in before things fell to fuck. The three traveled with each other for the first few months of the outbreak until they got separated.

"Let's go home," I tell my men. Twenty-five strong now.

* * *

As I'm doing inventory, I almost plow right the fuck into Vin. I worry about those glasses of hers all the time. Despite wanting so desperately to talk, I just keep it cold. "Something you need?"

She looks at Dwight, then me. "I need to speak to you in private."

The only place I know is my camper, which she follows. "Yeah?"

"I wanted to say thank you. If it was up to Dwight, Teddy would have died."

If it was up to me, Teddy would have most certainly died, but I'm going to leave that detail out-

Vin takes my hand.

My eyes drop to the embrace. I know what happened now. I got bit saving that girl. This is delirium before the fever takes me.

"Do you want to have dinner tonight?"

Oh, yeah. I'm fucking done for. "Ok."

"Alright, I'll return in a bit. I want to see Teddy and then get cleaned up."

When Vin leaves, I shake my jacket off, then check for bites. I'm not fucking bit. No cuts or scrapes that could have got infected. Sweet fuck. Is this for real?! Christ, I gotta get cleaned up, too!

* * *

"Sorry, boss. Occupied," Tex says. Tex is an older woman that I keep in charge of watching over the area where we bathe. Keeping it running and clean. She moves slower than anyone I've ever met, except when it comes to her gun and knowing how to use it. "Televangelist." She likes to play this game where she guesses what I was before the outbreak.

"You're fucking with me now. Who's in there?"

"That little redhead you're sweet on."

"Fuck, Tex, why didn't you tell me? How's my hair?"

"Douchey, as usual."

When Dwight comes out, I roll my eyes at Tex.

And she calls me douchey. Ugh. This camper smells like axe body spray and brut. Gross.

I know that it's just dinner, but I shave my crotch area. I mean… I'm just planning for anything at this point.

* * *

I was pretty confident earlier, but now I'm starting to panic as I pace back and forth in my camper. However, when I open my door my anxiety turns to rage. The fuck does he want?

"Vin can't make dinner tonight. She's sick," Niko tells me.

"Out of the way, you bearded fuck," I demand, shoving him to the side. I find Vin doubled over near her camper, like she attempted to leave, but couldn't make it. "Vin, what's wrong!?"

She's not holding her stomach but her… I don't know I guess groin area leg stomach. Lady plumbing part area.

Now I know I shaved for nothing if it's the lady days. Lucille used to put on her sweats and I knew if I came near her for that week, it better be with a tub of something greasy in one hand and brownies in the other. "Come here," I tell Vin, hoisting her up.

Niko follows behind me. "Where are you taking her?"

"Go comb your beard." I slam the community bathroom door behind me. "Just stay here." I set out to find her personal items. I do not envy these poor women now, that's for damn sure. "Alright, I got you some of those thingies-"

Vin blushes and balls up her jeans as she backs behind the door some.

"You don't have to be embarrassed. Give them to me, I'll wash them."

"...thank you."

After that shit is done, I go to her camper to get her something to wear. It pisses Niko off and my grin is ear to ear. Especially because he knows he can't say fuck all since I'm king dick. Though my smirk does settle because I feel bad for Vin. She doesn't have much at all, but I find some stuff in a bag of hers. On one hand, it's smart because she can pick up her bag and go at a moment's notice. But on the other hand, she can pick up her bag and go at a moment's notice. Like she's just waiting for the day I fuck shit up.

"You're loving this, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I was," I tell him, getting to my feet. "Until I realized my reasoning here. Digging for fucking panties in a bag that's ready to up and leave whenever I ruin shit. Yeah, I'm just loving it," I snap, leaving the camper and going back to Vin.

"Male Escort."

"As opposed to a female Escort? Not now, Tex." I shake my head and step up into the camper. "It's me. I have some clothes." I pass them around the wall to her.

"I'm surprised Niko let you in."

"I didn't give him much of a choice. Vin, can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

I fidget a bit before rolling my shoulders. "We've been in this camp for over a month, and we don't plan on relocating, especially in the middle of winter. Why are your bags packed?"

She comes out from behind the wall. "That's all I've ever known. Living out of a bag as I go from place to place."

Right. The homeless thing. Now I feel guilty for thinking she's just waiting to bolt.

Vin closes her eyes as she grabs that lady spot again.

"Come on." I pick her up and collect the things I've gathered. I don't care if it's forward. We planned to have dinner, so I'm taking her to my camper. I just maybe go a little overboard by putting her in my bed. "Here." I hand her the hot water bottle I've prepared.

"What's this?"

"Damn, don't make me feel older than I already am. It's filled with hot water. Like a heating pad before they had them." I'm rambling. "Do you want something to eat?"

"I'm sorry about tonight. I know you were excited."

That last bit stings. Like she's only doing this for me and not us, but one fact remains true. "You're in my bed. Trust me, I'm not complaining."

"Well, in that case, my feet need rubbing."

I'm the last person that's good with this touchy-feely shit, but I make an effort. The whole foot rub thing is her being a smartass, but I got a lot of groveling to do. Figured I'd take care of her in all the ways I never did with Lucille, even though it's not the same. It's all about second chances, and I want to do everything I can to get back where I left things off with Vin. "Teddy settling in ok," I ask, hoping to distract her while I lay next to her in bed.

She props her head up with her hand. "This wouldn't be a distraction so you can lay next to me now, would it?"

"Uh, yes."

"Well, in that case, she's fine."

"How are you feeling?"

"Pretty fuckey."

My large hand covers her cheek. "God, you're a fucking mess," I laugh. I haven't laughed in so fucking long. "Does your, uh, lady days… are they always this bad?"

She shakes her head no.

My mind goes dark as I take my hand from her. What if something is wrong? What if it's something that can't be fixed? Christ, I can't… I can't lose another. It will fucking put me in my grave.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying!" Tears give on my left side as they drip off the bridge of my nose. "I think it's fucking pink eye."

"I heard you get pink eye from poop particles. Makes sense seeing as you're full of shit."

"That sounds made up. How many people wipe their ass with their hand then rub their eyes?"

"How many people use their phones while shitting, then just happen to rub their eyes later?"

"Oh, right, I forgot how there wasn't pink eye before cell phones. And who the fuck am I calling these days?"

"Hmm, seems my theory is flawed."

"Well, some of it. I mean, I am full of shit." Fuck my groin itches. I think I got razor burn from that shitty ass blade.

"What are you doing?"

"Regretting certain decisions of mine."

"Or in your case most decisions."

"Yeah, I accept that. You know, I, uh." I stop itching for a moment. "I never met a woman I can hold a conversation with. One that put me in my place or made me laugh. Someone I can bicker back and forth with."

"What about Lucille?"

I shake my head. "Our relationship was complicated. We fucked around a lot at first. Weren't faithful in the least. She got pregnant, but lost the baby in the seventh month. Had to deliver and everything. I think we just stayed with each other because of what we had been through. In all the years, we never really talked. If I could talk to her the way you and I talk, I never would have looked at another woman. You don't think of that shit when you're some dumb horny eighteen year old, but lust… it fades away. Then you're left with someone you can't fucking talk to. Can't relate to. You start to resent them. It's just a fucking nightmare. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this anymore." Even though I'm the one who brought it up. "You can stay here tonight so you don't have to move. I can go sleep on the couch, or just leave entirely." Putting the ball in her court is scary as fuck because what if I don't like the answer?

"You still owe me a foot rub."

I smile with a sigh of relief. "You still owe me dinner."

"Foot rub tonight, and how about breakfast in bed?"

"Fuck yes." I don't end up rubbing her feet. Instead, I scoot up behind her as she rolls over. My arm rests over and against her stomach. My cheek against her as my lips are pressed to her shoulder.

"You're smothering me."

"I know," I speak against the fabric of her shirt. I've always regretted not staying with her that night in the motel. Now I finally don't have to.

"Negan?"

"Yeah?"

"You're on thin skin."

"..." My eyes shift side to side. "What?"

"You know, thin skin. Like don't shit up."

I can't help but laugh. "It's thin ice, Vin."

"Oh, yeah. That."

I wouldn't mind being on thin Vin. Technically, I guess I am. Fuck. I am the happiest I have been in I can't remember…


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N This chapter has an uncomfortable sexual assault scene. It's the catalyst for Negan hating sexual violence. This chapter in general shapes Negan.**

* * *

My eyes snap open. Did I dream last-

"Five more minutes, ok," Vin says groggy.

I throw my head back in relief. Thank you, God. "One," I reply playfully. Last night, she only let me close to her for a few minutes before she asked me to stay on my side of the bed. She said that things were moving faster than she wanted. I know it's because she doesn't trust me. But each day I'll show her why she should.

Vin is sluggish to get up. Her coloring is off, too.

"You don't have to get out of bed."

"I have responsibilities within the community."

"Yeah, but you're with me. You can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want-"

"Negan, I'm not with you. Look, I appreciate what you did for me last night, but we're not together."

I'm so goddamn pissed off, I walk right the fuck off. Fuck, I'm stupid! I take Lucille and kill several undead. My anger turns into concern when I see just how many I'm finding. What if my camp- I crouch down when I hear engines. It's several truckloads full of people herding the dead like cattle. I keep a safe distance so I can see exactly what the fuck is going on.

The group has their shit together, that's for sure. They use walkie-talkies to communicate with each other as they herd the dead farther away from the forest.

I decide to follow them and it leads me to their base camp, eerily close to ours. I'm not sure about these guys yet. They've fortified what looks to be like an electrical company. Using the fences as protection. All the tall towers have guard posts that gives them a greater vantage point. The undead they've brought back are actually let inside the compound.

"You need to know what it feels like to be overrun," a man shouts on a bullhorn from one of the towers. I assume it's their leader.

It's some kind of training exercise, which they lose three of their own.

"Fucking pathetic," he yells, coming down from the guard tower. "Guns are for the living! Not the dead. Do it again!"

Christ, I think I watch this group all fucking day. I don't even believe my eyes when I see all the supplies that are trucked in. Their numbers are incredible. And their organization is commending. I have my suspicions. You have to in this world. But if joining up with them means a better chance for survival, then it's worth it. No one looks like they're prisoners, but what worries me is I haven't seen a child or woman yet. You learn a lot about a group by the way they treat their women.

I go back to my men and explain what I've seen. They want to meet up with this other group, but before we decide for sure, we're interrupted by them.

"Who's in charge here?"

I step through the crowd. "I am."

"Our leader Alder wants a word. We're part of a group of communities, ours being the largest. If you're going to stay, you'll need to cooperate with us."

I don't like his tone, but I can't say that I disagree with what he's saying.

Most of my men agree to go with me. Once we pass through the new group's gates, my gut feeling is to get as far away from these motherfuckers as we can.

"I am Alder. I lead Salvation Sixty Six." He was the one on the guard tower.

"Negan." I don't like how their attention is turned towards Tex, Teddy, and Vin. I'm quick to move Vin to my side. In situations like this, I always hope my size deters people from acting out.

Their leader goes over a few things with me, but it's bullshit. There's no goddamn way they got all those supplies because they traded shit fair and square. I tell men to load up and deny their offer to work with them.

Vin, however, isn't ready to leave. She's suspicious like I am. "You never said how you have all these supplies?"

Whatever bullshit courtesy Alder was extending us is gone, and the mask comes right the fuck off. "It's tribute. Other communities give it to us. If you're going to live over by the creek, you'll need to pay tribute, too. We were here first. If you don't like it, get the fuck out."

"That's extortion," Vin yells.

"Vin," I grab her hand because these people have enough ammunition to take every one of us out a hundred times over.

"Negan, it's not right."

"I know it's not, but you will die if you don't come with me now." I tug her hand.

"You're a monster," Vin shouts at Alder.

He grabs her by the throat.

I get one good swing in before ten guns are in my face.

He pulls Vin to him as his hands move under her shirt.

"Stop," she begs.

"Take your shirt off."

"Get your fucking hands off her," I tell him. I'm hit in the mouth with one of the guns and then taken to gravel as a gun is put against my temple and a knife to my throat.

Alder forces Vin's shirt from her then grabs her by the scruff of her neck.

Vin cries as her hands cover her naked skin.

"Look at what we have here, boys. A woman with an opinion." His finger brushes her cheek before she's forced on the ground next to me.

"No," I scream.

"I will rape you in front of him," he snarls at her, "then let every one of my men have a turn like we do the others with an opinion. You think I'm a monster because I take a few cases of food?" He licks up her ear then spits on her. "You have no idea what I'm capable of, bitch. Say one more word and my dick will be so far down your throat. Then after I'm done, I'll make you thank me for it."

I'm so goddamn fearful that he's going to rape her until he stands up and starts for their front doors.

Vin is pulled upward by her hair by another man and is shoved into me once I'm allowed to stand back up.

I shake my jacket off and wrap it around her naked flesh.

"Get the fuck out. We'll be by in a week for our supplies. You try to stiff us or come up short, we'll start taking your women as compensation, stupid fuck. See you soon, bitch." He slaps Vin on the ass.

And that's one of the kinder things the men have to say to Vin as we walk back to the truck.

Vin is like a statue on the ride home, ignoring even Teddy as she asks what she can do.

Niko cleans her glasses for her and that still doesn't get a reaction.

I have fucking failed Vin as a man. I didn't protect her, and she was almost raped because of it.

Once we're home, Vin hurries to the community bathroom camper to shower.

"What are we going to do, Negan," Dwight panics.

"We can fit maybe four people inside the supply truck. The back will be loaded with supplies. We'll hook up one of the campers to the van we stashed. The rest of you will ride in the van or camper. We leave tomorrow night."

"We're just supposed to leave," someone asks.

"You stay. Play their fucking game of what's enough this week, but not good enough the following week. Salvation Sixty Six has threatened our women, and I won't stand for that. Neither should any of you. If you're not disgusted by what just happened to one of our own, you can stay the fuck here." I go to Vin's camper so I can get her a shirt, then collect her things. I know I was pissed this morning, but this changes everything. There is no way in hell that I will let her out of my sight now. Not when fucking degenerate filth threatens to force himself on our women. On any woman. "Here," I tell Vin handing her a shirt. "I got your things. I want you with me tonight."

More silence.

"Vin, talk to me. Please."

She stares back at me in the bathroom mirror. "I spent my entire life trying to help the homeless. Trying to raise money. Benefits. Volunteering. And for what? For it to all fall to fuck. Now we're looting things that don't belong to us. Taking things because someone has more guns? I used to think that I was lucky to be alive. To have survived and lived through all that chaos, but I'm not. I **hate** this world. What people have become. What people do now to each other."

Here she was almost raped, but she's more worried about how far people have fallen. Worried about others over herself.

This is the moment I decide that I want something more than to just survive. I want to be the one to put the world back together for her. To restore humanity. We'll be the new world order. The Saviors.


	20. Chapter 20

I don't sleep at all, and Vin is tossing and turning constantly on my couch. "Foot rub?"

"No."

Well, fuck. Ok then. I have a seat as she sits up. "Please, don't shut me out." The look on her face is mental. Like mine when I killed that group of rapist fucks. I'm scared to leave this woman alone because I fear she'll run back to stop Alder and then I'll have lost everything.

"If we run, it doesn't put a stop to them, but if we stay, it's absolute suicide."

Oh, thank fuck. That logical side is still in there. "I don't want to run either, but they're a goddamn army compared to us. We have, what, maybe six guns, and not even enough ammunition to fill them all."

Her eyes brim over with tears. "All the people they're hurting."

"I know," I frown, taking her hand.

We're both on edge when my camper door opens but in steps Dwight. "You're going to want to see this, Negan."

I don't know just how much more I want to see. Once I step outside, it's some fucking lanky mustache motherfucker. "Who the fuck are you?"

"My name is Simon," he starts. "I'm from Salvation Sixty Six."

Our guns are put in his face.

"Please. Listen to what I have to say. Salvation Sixty Six is coming for you at dusk. I've seen it. They kill the men and children, then take the women when a group poses a problem. You need to gather what you have right now and you need to leave. The threats they made are nothing compared to what they are capable of and your women will be the ones to pay for it."

This group made a mockery out of Vin and now this fuck is trying to bargain with me? "Why the fuck shouldn't I just put a bullet right into your skull?"

"Go ahead." Simon puts his arms out. "Because it's a better option than going back."

"Negan," Dwight says, pointing by the one entrance into our camp.

Simon isn't alone. There are five women with him in horrible condition. "I took Alder's wives, and he's not going to be happy. You don't have to trust me, but take them. Look, I've been waiting for months to find a group that I think could stand a chance against Salvation Sixty Six and I know that's yours. Maybe not now, but eventually you will be. I can help you get away. Give you a fighting chance." Simon shows me the map he's made up. "I have supply caches for food and gasoline." He points at the truck he came in. "That's Connor in the driver seat. His wife was… well… she didn't make it no thanks to that group. Anyway, you can trust that what I'm saying is true, or we'll be on our way, but you don't have but thirty minutes before your window closes."

"You have no idea what **I'm** capable of if you cross me, Simon. Tell your man to help us start loading things up." My only concern right now is getting Vin the fuck outta dodge.

It's foolish to think that'd we'd survive in this camp for the rest of our lives, but as we pull away from it, I feel this dread like it's the best I'll ever do for my men.

* * *

Simon was truthful about his supply caches.

The gasoline I was most grateful for because it allowed us to put hundreds of miles between us and Salvation Sixty Six. One day, I will come back for that motherfucker. You can certainly count on that.

* * *

We're about fifty miles west of Washington DC when we stop for the night. Most people huddle in the trailers.

Simon sleeps sprawled out in the back of the Van.

Vin stays in the supply truck.

"You can't sleep in here, Vin." I sigh when she won't move. "Give me some blankets," I tell Dwight. I insulate the cab as best I can for Vin, then close the door. What I said still goes. I'm not leaving her side. So it looks like I'm not getting any sleep sitting in the driver's seat like this. An hour of complete silence passes. I know I need to say something. "This is just temporary. All this. The dead. People acting the way they are. Man always finds a way. Maybe not for years, decades, but we will. And you can know that you had a part in that. You're always trying to save the world, Vin. This is the way you're supposed to do it."

She turns towards me and smiles. "Thank you, Negan."

"I'm sorry for the humiliation he put you through." Forced sexual violence is unseemly, but nothing prepares you when it happens to someone you love. Someone who is forced in front of you. "I need to take a piss." I get out from the truck and far enough away so I can let go of emotion. Which I don't have the right. I'm not the one who went through what she did in front of a hundred men. Fuck, I'm out here for twenty minutes almost. I don't expect her to still be awake. "Christ, it's freezing in here, Vin. Come warm up in the camper, at least."

"I want to be alone."

"Ok," I frown.

"No, I mean away from everyone. You can stay."

I close the door back, rubbing my hands together.

"Newspaper," Vin says, holding some out. Then she shows me how she stuffs it in her clothes as insulation. "And you should get a hat."

"I have a scarf."

"A hat would work better."

When I show her the scarf, she understands the reference. "I haven't been wearing it because it smells like you."

"I stink that bad?"

"You know what I mean. It's the only thing of you that I can call mine. I just want to preserve it as long as I'm able."

The crinkling of the paper gives her away before I notice her scooting over. "I'm still being cautious though, Negan."

I'm thankful for fucking anything at this point, but don't expect her to move against me. My arms swallow this woman. "I'll find you a home. I promise you that, Vin."

I just don't realize how hard that is.

You can make anything livable for a few nights, but we need a place where we can flourish. Finding a place started to seem impossible. Every new possibility had some major defect.

Walls are compromised.

The area is surrounded by undead.

No resources close by.

I have to walk away from the group one night because it's one of those times when everyone has a fucking opinion and I ain't in the fucking mood. After several minutes of walking, I come to a dirt road. There's a beat to hell sign, but I can't read it. There are down trees everywhere which will make for easy firewood. At least something is going my- I walk out of the brush as I tilt my head up.

Higher.

Higher.

Higher.

My god, it's a… it's… an eight-story factory surrounded by chain link.

The walls are perfectly intact.

There isn't a undead in sight.

Several resources are close by.

This is it. This is what we've been seeking...

 **Home**.


	21. Chapter 21

I pop the double steel doors open with a crowbar as outside light enters the factory entryway for the first time in several years. This place was abandoned long before the fall. The hall goes dark for a brief moment before it opens up into a large area. Plenty spacious for a social area, and cafeteria. The windows light the room well. There actually is a kitchen. One of those industrial ones. Something else I take note of are the large furnaces in the giant room. This is only the first level. Every level has offices that could be used as rooms. There's an infirmary on the first floor. And bathroom with showers. Once I get to the top level, it's a large open area like a meeting room, and in the back is a decent size office. Oh, fuck, yes. I'm taking both of these.

The catwalk down is in decent shape. The steel isn't rusted or kinked in any place. "Start taking trash and broken tables and chairs to throw into the furnaces. We need to circulate heat. Bring all the bedding and blankets in that you're able. We'll sleep as a group in here tonight. Then go over responsibilities and room availability in the morning."

For those first few hours, I'm just waiting for this motherfucker to burn down because that's just my shit fuck luck. I guess my luck is turning around. I think I circle around this cafeteria fifty times. I suppose I can't think like that. I need to convey confidence so it's passed onto my men. Actually, what I really need is fucking sleep.

Most everyone is asleep by now. Except for the low whispers between Simon and Teddy.

"It's rude to stare," Vin jokes, having a seat beside me.

"Truthfully, I'm a bit jealous." Because I want to be talking to Vin. Well, I guess I kinda am.

"I'll share some of this cardboard mat with you."

"You keep it."

"Suit yourself."

Once she's comfortable, I scoot up behind her. "Am I still on thin skin?"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll always find a way to fuck something up."

"Fuck only knows you're probably right about that." I want to be closer than this to her, but I just keep my distance. Which is still pretty close.

"Today was a good day."

I don't even fucking care about the factory. It's a good day because she's actually speaking to me. Allowing me near. I just always fear that waking up means a few steps back. Maybe I need to start being more optimistic.

She rolls over to face me with a sigh. "I'll be glad when we have spaces of our own and I don't have to hear people snore."

"There's an equivalent to a suite here at the top. If you want, you're more than welcome to share that with me."

"You know my answer."

"I know… I just want to put it out there."

"It's probably never going to happen."

Yeah, well, she said I could never look at her either and now I'm sleeping at her side. I just gotta stay positive and hope that she can see how much I care for her through all this bullshit.

What is that fucking noise- oh my god. I shudder when I realized that Teddy and Simon are fucking under the blanket.

"Are they-"

"Yes." I don't have to see Vin's cheeks to know how red they'd be right now. Actually, Simon and Teddy aren't the only ones going at it. I thought they all were asleep! Sherry and Dwight. Connor and some girl. When I watch the blanket go over Niko's head, I'm out. "I'm going to go for a walk." I pick up Lucille and start out the front door.

"Baseball player!"

"Not now, Tex." Oh, Christ, I just saw her old lady tits. My eyes will never be the same.

Once I'm outside, I find it easier to breathe despite the freezing temperatures. I have a seat in the courtyard with my knees up and my arms set on them after I put Lucille by me. Vin startles me because I didn't know she followed. "Fuck. Vin, go back inside. It's freezing."

"It's freezing anywhere you go. I just didn't want to be in there with the group relations."

I don't hear what she says after that because she sits between my legs. I wrap my arms and jacket around her. This is even better than inside because now it's just us. I tuck my face away against the crook of her neck.

She finds it ticklish at first, but stops squirming. "It's snowing."

Ugh. Fuck a bunch of snow. I don't even know why I live in the north for Christ's sake. "I think it's Christmas today. Or whenever midnight hits."

"I never had a Christmas before."

"It's exhausting. You spend all this fucking time trying to please everyone and someone still ends up pissed. Or say you don't eat the right amount because you got two other Christmases to go to, you've gone and butthurt someone. The pressure of gift giving is mental, so you just end up giving a gift card, but they look at you like you're lazy. When you know they wanted money in the first place! Because they're fucking impossible to buy for. One time, I got Lucille's niece one of those dolls that have the button eyes and the rope arms. I forget what the fuck it was called. Lala, uh, whatever. Anyway, the goddamn box is like a pentagon. You can't wrap that shit. So I put it in a coffee maker box. The kid opens it, sees the coffee box and pushes it to the ground. I just couldn't believe my fucking eyes. She didn't understand the toy was in there, but to see how fucking ungrateful she was. I spent days, fucking days trying to find that stupid goddamn doll. I was pissed."

"It sounds awful. I just knew the gym was closed that day." Leave it to Vin to really make you appreciate that you can bitch about things like that.

My arms pull her closer against me. "I love you," I murmur against her skin, pressing my lips to her shoulder. "I won't fuck this up, I swear to god. If you never let your guard down, as long as we could just stay like this. These little innocent embraces. Our talks. Knowing that every night my place is beside you, I'd be ok with that, Vin."

"I'm trying to build that trust with you, Negan."

"I will take anything that you give me." No one likes to say that they love someone and it's not returned, but I can't blame anyone but myself. I'm certain that Vin was on the cusp of it before that day in my office. "Is there anything that I can do to help that trust?"

"Don't shit up. Especially with you having the kind of control you do over this group. The advances you'll get will be tempting. I already see the way some of these women want you. I think it's fair that you know I might never get to a point where I can trust you again. Are you going to pass them up knowing that?"

"I met this girl a while back. Fuck, chased after her forever. Then she offers to fuck me, but I fled. Not because I didn't want her, god I fucking wanted her. But because I knew that it was wrong to be married and fuck her. She threw herself at me three times and I passed it up because I felt she deserved to be with a real man. An honest man. Who wasn't fucking her in a filthy motel room. Who wasn't just fucking her entirely."

"I only threw myself at you twice, and my motel room wasn't filthy..."

"I've done a lot of things wrong when it comes to you. And I'll spend the rest of my life showing you why I'm not a shitter. And it was three times. Vin, if we fucked, think how much worse it would have been."

"You're that bad in bed?"

"Fucking smart ass. If you spent more time on forgiving me than coming up with replies that annoy me, I could be showing you just how good I am in bed."

"What's the best time in bed you've had?"

"Taking your pants off."

"Are you sure you're not a virgin too?"

I feel like this is a trap or some shit. "I like rough sex with my partner. Choking. Hair pulling. Restraints. Spanking. Name calling. Anal. I mean, it has to be consensual between both people. I'm not just going to ram my dry cock up some girls ass."

"If your partner didn't agree to it, would you get bored with them?"

"I guess, yeah. I mean, Lucille was into watching people fuck. Having people watch us fuck. We went to a lot of couple's parties at first. Or we'd fuck in a public place, but that was it. I guess I did get bored."

"Did you tell her that? Say that you wanted more?"

"No. I was embarrassed about it. Like I was a deviant because I wanted to spank her and have her choke me."

"But it's consensual."

"So let's say, hypothetically, you and I fuck. Well, we make love. Because I'd never take your virginity on a bathroom sink. A few weeks pass and I'm like, hey you should let me tie you to the headboard while I fuck your tight little ass. You're telling me that'd go over well with you?"

"I'm telling you it's thirty degrees out here and I'm not cold. You should be with someone that you can tell anything to. Negan, that is why things with us didn't work out, and they won't ever work out with anyone if you're not open. Let people in. Especially the one you want to bind to the headboard and claim their tight little hole."

"Fuck, I think I just came in my pants."

"That's honesty for you, and your knife holster keeps poking my back. It's uncomfortable."

"Baby, that's seven inches of something else." I think that goes over her head.

"Don't call me that name. I don't like it."

"Well, ok. How about Vinny?"

"How about Vin?"

"Hey, you know if we put our name together it's Vegan."

"I don't know what that is."

"Oh, you would if you met one. Trust me. They'll let you know real fast if they are."

"Christmas, tight holes, and vegans aside, I'm getting tired now. Do you think they're all done in there?"

I start to laugh. "Yeah. I do. Come on." As we walk to the door, I figure it's worth a shot and grab some leaves off a dead looking bush to tell her it's mistletoe.

"Negan, that's poison ivy, don't touch that!"

Oh, fuck!


	22. Chapter 22

I itch my dick through my pants for some kind of relief. Turns out, that plant really was poison ivy. I didn't wash my hands and jerked off that night because I was so turned on from all that tight hole talk. Now, three days later, it's spread everywhere. "Stupid bullshit cock itching plant..." Fuck! "What," I snap at Dwight. "You wanna give me a hand? Because you're looking at me like you want to."

"We're, uh. Ready, Sir."

"Start without me." God fucking forbid people do manual labor without my guidance. Today, we're capturing undead and restraining them to the fence to use as a deterrent from both the living and the dead. Well, my men are. I'm going to find our doctor. "I got poison ivy on my dick," I tell her.

"Pants down, let me see."

"What's there to see? It's fucking red and bumpy. I need you to fix this." Fuck, fine. I unzip my pants and tug myself free. Too bad Vin wasn't a nurse. Yeah. Fucking titties out in some white tight uniform. We could role-play a bit— "The fuck are you stroking my cock for?"

"I thought you wanted me to," she blushes. "You started to get hard when I put the lotion on."

 _Don't shit up. Especially with you having the kind of control you do over this group. The advances you'll get. I already see the way some of these women want you._

Fuck, she was right! "I was hard because I was thinking about— nevermind. Give me that goddamn shit." I swipe the bottle from her, stuff myself back in my pants, and hurry to find Vin. I barge in her room. She's sewing some of her ripped jeans. "I got poison ivy on my dick and asked the doctor to take a look at it and I started thinking about us role-playing and it turned me on, and, well, she starts jerking me off because she thinks I'm into her. I swear to god I didn't fuck her. You have to believe me!" I start itching my dick.

"Calm down and take a breath," she tells me. "I believe you."

Her trust feels so fucking good. And the itching, oh yeah. That feels good, too.

"Stop scratching. You'll only spread it."

"It itches," I frown.

"Come lay down."

"On your twin mattress? Me? You do realize I'm six foot eight." Wait, why am I questioning this?! I'm beside her, feet hanging off, taking up the majority of the bed. Vin makes me this paste out of baking soda and water which I'd try and use this to my advantage by making her apply it, but I don't want to traumatize her with my dick right now. Instead, I turn over to apply it to where she can't see. "Find anything?" She's really good with that map shit. We found all these pamphlets in a hotel scavenging that she's piecing together.

"There's Costco near. They sell bulk goods from what I gather. It's probably picked through, but it's worth a shot."

I'm not listening to a word she's saying after that. I'm just thinking about how soothing this shit is she made. "Alright, we'll plan a run."

"You sound exhausted."

"I am, but there's too much work for sleep."

"Well, get your hand out of your pants and let's get to it."

"God, you're fucking annoying. You actually annoy the fuck out of me."

"Is that possible?"

"Yes, and you did it."

"I suppose I'll find someone else to satisfy my desire then."

"Shut up!" I shake my head because I can't even with this woman. I know I give her shit for her mouth, but I appreciate levity. Especially, nowadays.

* * *

It always blows my mind how dedicated Vin is to the task at hand. While my men are crying how hungry and tired they are, she's still working her fucking ass off.

"Negan, I really think we should use this as a guard tower," Dwight reiterates.

"For the last fucking time, no. We'll tear it down and burn the wood. It's fucking dry rot to hell. Termites. No goddamn way. Leave it alone." You know those moments where you get to say I fucking told you so? Yeah... I turn my back for a motherfucking moment, then hear Vin scream, followed by the collapse of the tower. "Goddammit," I hiss from across the way. As I get closer to the debris, that's when the crowd gets thicker, the panic louder. "Vin," I scream. This tower came down alright. With Dwight fucking on it and Vin under it. "Fuck!" I shove Connor and Simon out of the way and start throwing rubble any which way to get Vin out.

Dwight apologizes, not a scratch on him.

I'm in a goddamn nightmare. It's like a drunk driver who kills the other driver and gets away without so much as a scratch. When the piece gets moved that finally comes off Vin, she's unconscious. I'm apoplectic. Especially after finding her glasses crushed. "You son of a bitch. Get the fuck out," I scream at Dwight. It takes eight people to keep me from pummeling Dwight, but that doesn't mean I don't get in several hits, including the one that knocks him the fuck out.

"Negan, she's not breathing!"

I don't know if Sherry said that as a tactic to get me off Dwight, but it works, and luckily I find a pulse on Vin. What if her fucking neck or back is broken? I touch her bloody cheek, lowering my head in failure. "Please wake up," I beg. Don't do this to me. Don't take her, too.

"Negan…" Vin murmurs.

Thank god. Thank Christ. "Vin, I'm here." I brush her cheek.

"Closer…"

I lean down more. "Yeah?"

"Closer…"

Huh?!

"You didn't wash… your hands."

I jerk back up confused. "What?" Is this the concussion talking?

"Your poison ivy dick hand… it's touching my face…"

"Goddammit, Vin! Fuck!"

She snickers painfully.

"Where's the doctor," I demand as my men scatter to find her.

"...no. She'll jerk me off."

"Will you go back to being unconscious? Jesus," I laugh, but my laugh stops entirely when she asks for her glasses. "They're broken…" Beyond repair. "Can you see me?" For once, there's no retort like, _unfortunately._ Instead, her face becomes concerned. "It's ok, Vin."

"Negan, I can't see without them!"

"Well, duh."

She doesn't find it funny. In fact, it's really not funny. Without a backup pair, she can't see fuck all.

"Just don't move. We'll worry about your glasses later."

After the doctor examines Vin, I feel better knowing she's not in some plastic neck brace or telling me this woman will never walk again. I brush Vin's red hair to the side, only to reveal dried blood down her face. "Give me a wet rag," I tell the doctor. I take the cloth and clean her cheek and forehead as the doctor excuses herself. "All better," I smile, trying to keep it together.

"Negan, I can't see you."

I get down on one knee and move closer to her. "Better?"

"Blurry, but better," she smiles.

I lower my head against her forehead. "I'm so fucking sorry, Vin." I've never been there when this woman has needed me.

She grabs me by the scruff of my neck. "This isn't on you. Most people tend to run from a structure that collapses. I froze, and this is the consequence."

"I was so scared as I dug through that rubble. I thought I lost—"

"You didn't," she whispers. Her arms hug my neck.

I tuck mine under her for an embrace I hope isn't too uncomfortable. I kiss some of the naked skin of her shoulder from where her shirt tore.

She gives the faintest moan.

My lips move up her neck, touching her ear. "I'll go down on you."

"It's not your tongue I want there."

I think I'm blushing. Good thing she can't see. Goddamn poison ivy dick! "Fuck, I want you…"

"Then keep your hand out of your pants so it heals."

"Wanna jerk me off with some of that cream?"

"If you don't mind splinters."

Jesus, her poor fucking hands. I spend almost forty minutes digging splinters out, and I've got some of my own. I should leave them in so I keep my hand off myself. "I know you don't want to live with me, but maybe it's a good idea until we find you new glasses."

Her somber expression is turned my way. "Negan, I'm not stupid. We're not finding glasses. I just need to learn to live without them."

We will. I will. I will find her a pair no matter how long it takes. I'm not going to let her be robbed of something else because of some idiot. "I'm going to exile Dwight."

"Don't do that. I'm sure he feels guilty."

He's going to feel my fist again if he wakes up. "Your eyes aren't as big without your glasses," I joke. "They're pretty."

"I've always liked your eye color."

"We have the same eye color."

"Shit brown, yeah."

"Pink eye shit brown," I laugh.

"We're both full of shit."

"Are you going to come fucking live with me or not?"

"Shit, no."

"I never should have taught you how to swear." I carefully help her sit up the pick her up my arms.

"Oh my, your strength always catches me by surprise. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when you ravish me."

"How the fuck am I supposed to keep my hand out of my pants if you keep talking about getting ravished and tight holes?"

"Have you always jerked off this much?"

"Of course, I was married."

"Marriage sounds awful. Like that Christmas thing."

That reminds me. I still wear my wedding ring. After I set Vin in my bed, I look my wedding ring over. Oddly, I only recently started wearing it again, but I think it's because being in this factory is the first time things have felt normal again. I slip it off and put it inside the small drawer of the nightstand.

"It's warm in here."

"Fireplace."

"What's wrong? Your voice is off."

I take a seat on the bed. "You ever notice I still wear my wedding band?"

"Just that time in your office."

Christ, let's not rehash that. "Well, I took it off. For good this time." I don't know why I'm telling her this.

"Only if that's what you want."

"Look, Lucille will always be special to me. I'd be lying if I said she wasn't. I do think about her from time to time, but mostly regret for the way I treated her. The ring needs to come off so I can fully give us a chance. Well, if you ever allow that."

"Come here." She stretches out her arms at me.

I rest my face between perfection. "The day I can do this without you wearing a shirt I'll die a happy man. Oh, what," I yell at the knock on the door. I almost rip it from the hinges. "You," I snarl at Dwight.

"Please don't hit me."

Fuck him, and I hit him anyway. "I should gouge your eyes out!"

Dwight is slow to get back to his feet, but manages. "I just wanted to apologize for hurting her. I didn't know she was under it." He starts to blubber like a child.

I turn my lip up at him. "Good god, pull yourself to-fucking-gether."

"I wanted you to know I'm sorry."

God, he's pathetic. And I can't get the image of him fucking Lucille out of my head. After I shut the door, I rub my brow and close my eyes with a sigh. "I fucked Dwight's wife Sherry. Maybe five months ago. When I first found their group. I know you and me weren't together, but you have the right to know. I'm a pig."

"I see." She drops her head some. "To get back at me?"

"No. To get back at him."

"I don't understand. Are you bisexual?"

"What?! No! The fuck?" I run my hands over my face. "Look. Before I met you, Lucille was having an affair with this guy I called the sailor..." I explain everything to Vin. And even the parts that I've never told anyone, like how much it hurt. How impotent I felt. Especially now seeing him and knowing that my Lucille went from me to that. I have a seat on the bed with a heavy sigh. "Do you hate me?"

"No."

Well, that's… surprising. "Are you mad?"

"Negan, we weren't together. It's none of my business. With that being said, I feel sorry for you."

"Don't. I bring this all on myself. I fucked my share of teachers behind Lucille's back. Women at away games. I guess this one just hurt more. Because I am twice the man that Dwight is. And I'm way fucking better looking. I mean, look at him!"

"Maybe that's not what Lucille was looking for. Dwight provided something you couldn't. Just like I was something Lucille wasn't. You are very handsome, but, Negan, I'm frumpy. Average. I was what you needed despite my looks. Just like Dwight was what Lucille needed despite his."

Damn, I didn't think of it like that. Christ, I love the way she puts shit into perspective. "I'd say you're fucking blind if you can't see just how beautiful you are, but that's technically the truth."

"There you have it. Perception. And stop buttering me up. I told you, I'm not mad."

"I'll admit, frumpy was my first thought, too, but so was fucking you. Anyway, I expected you to be pissed about this Sherry stuff."

"Why did you stop seeing Sherry?"

"Like I said, to get at him, but I just got to this point where I couldn't even get it up. I felt disgusting."

"It must have been pretty bad if you didn't have an erection."

"Wh— I don't always have an erection!" Ok, even I know that's bullshit. "Maybe I have some like medium softness going right on right now…"

"I wish I could see it."

"You could touch it if you want." I can't believe that left my mouth. I mean, you know it's raunchy if I'm fucking surprised by the shit I say.

"Alright."

"Seriously?"

"Well, over the pants."

I think back to that night I took off her pants for super boner strength. "Ok, I'm ready."

"I'm actually not," she blushes. "I know I talk a lot of shit, but I—"

"Vin, it's alright. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and especially if you're not ready."

"Does _it_ hurt? Sex?"

"Yes, no. It really shouldn't if we go slow, and you're… well… aroused. If it hurts, we stop. Your first time is going to be more awkward than anything. You're naked in front of me. All those insecurities make you even more nervous. Society puts too much pressure on virginity in general—" I look down to see her hand on my thigh. Higher, please go— "Fuck," I moan when her fingers trail my denim arousal.

She gets nervous and shies away.

Shit! "You ok?"

"That wasn't your knife poking me on Christmas, was it?"

"No," I laugh. "It wasn't."

"Well, congratulations on that. Now I'm certain it's going to hurt."

"I've fucked a lot of women and I've never had one of them—" Idiot! "That's not what I meant," I frown.

"How many do you think?"

I really don't remember. "Maybe forty. Probably more." I've never really felt ashamed by it until now.

"Are you sure that's poison ivy on your dick?"

"Yes," I laugh.

"I guess I'm making too big of a deal out of sex."

"Vin, I thought about what you said about being honest about the things I like. I spent a lot of time constantly searching for that someone to be all the things I want in bed. That I need in bed. I've never found it with anyone before. And unfortunately, the only way to find it is to fuck. A lot."

"It must be frustrating. To not have what you want."

"It is." And I'm not talking about fucking right now. I'm talking about her. "Will I ever be able to call you mine?"

"I'm in your bed."

"You wouldn't be if you had your glasses."

"Negan, my glasses are gone, but I still have my free will. I wouldn't be in this bed unless I wanted to be."

I pick my head up some and lock eyes with hers as I start to smile. I know she can't make it out, but every month we make more and more progress. This time, I get to do things right. Be all the things I never couldn't or wouldn't for the others. Goddamn, poison ivy.

* * *

 **A/N Updates will go back to every Monday now.**


	23. Chapter 23

"Pants down," the doctor instructs.

"Try not to jerk me off again." I never thought those words would leave my mouth.

"Sir," Dwight starts.

"How come every time my dick is out, you just happen to show up?"

His face grimaces. "We found a lead on supplies."

Connor walks in. "Negan, do you want the new guard tower at the front or the back?"

This isn't happening. "Anyone else wanna fucking join us?"

"Simon," Connor calls.

Simon walks in with Teddy. "Yeah?"

Teddy's eyes widen.

For Christ's sake. This is how the meeting room was born. Otherwise, it's _Negan, I can't wipe my ass_ fuckery twenty-four fucking seven. Just the other day I was taking a shower and in walks one of my men. I can't ever get any privacy. I don't even jerk off anymore out of fear of looking up and being interrupted.

I got the clear about my dick, except Vin has been pretty distant this last week. I'm sure it's the depression because she can't do fuck all. And she gets the worst migraines. I have to do more than I have to find her glasses.

It starts cutting into my sleep. The mall is loaded with those undead fucks, but there's an optical place in it. I don't ask any of my men to help me because this is a personal vendetta. And after several brushes with death, I finally make it to the optical store. I get a box and fill it with every pair in this store. I'm so fucking excited to get home, I can barely sit still on the drive there. When I get to Sanctuary, I ignore every obligation I can, every one of my men as I speed up the steps. My smirk fades when I see her at the edge of my bed sobbing. "Vin?" I have a seat next to her.

"I'm sorry. It's not like me to feel sorry myself."

"You don't have to. Here." I hand her the box of glasses. "I went to the optical place in the mall. It's gonna be ok."

It doesn't register with her for a second, but then I actually get her full attention."That mall is overrun, Negan."

"I know. I've been spending the last week clearing it in my free time."

"You don't have free time. Is that why you come to bed so late and leave so early?" Her eyes well up at the gesture when I nod. "Negan…"

My eyes… they fucking well up, too.

"These glasses aren't prescription. They're the display ones that anyone can wear so you can choose what frame you like."

My face pales, then my eyes fall closed. "I am such a fucking idiot."

"No, you're not. You don't wear glasses, you wouldn't know these things."

I just… go off the fucking deep end. I drive my fist into one of the wooden posts of my bed. "Goddammit," I yell.

"Negan, it's ok!"

"It's not ok! Don't you see? Oh, no, that's right. You can't. Well, I failed you. Just like all the other times I've fucking failed you, but this is the worst of them all!" I want to keep screaming and yelling, but I just let go of my emotions and sink back to the bed as I start to sob. "I failed you as a man. No wonder Lucille cheated on me. I'm worthless. I can't even get you fucking glasses. I can't fix your eyes. I can't fix us."

Vin presses her lips to my cheek.

Oh my fuck. Is this… is this really fucking… fuck. I've never been so fucking happy for some first base bullshit. Ok, and not even really first base, but I will take anything.

"Did any of those undead you killed have glasses?"

"I think so."

"I'll have more luck with that. And I think getting out of this place and doing something will lift my spirits."

I fidget with my hands some. "Can we just, uh, go tomorrow?"

"Why tomorrow?"

"I just... want to enjoy it. This. Us. Vin?" I take her tiny hand. "I'm going to put this world back together for you, the right way."

"I like the life we've built now."

My eyes sink a bit before they move back to her. "Really? Because I'm fucking miserable," I struggle to get the words out. "If you hadn't have broken your glasses, we'd still be in separate rooms."

"You deserve a bit of misery."

I bow my head because I'm so fucking ashamed of the things I've done to her.

Her small hand wipes my tears away.

My forehead touches against hers. "I'm so fucking sorry, Vin."

"I know," she whispers, "and I forgive you for everything."

"You do!?"

"Yes, Negan. You don't need to carry this weight anymore."

I lean in, pressing my lips to hers. It's an embrace that's returned in full. I take in a sharp breath of disbelief, then reclaim her lips forcefully. I'm not good at this type of thing, but I'll be goddamned if I don't give it everything I have. Especially knowing this woman is allowing such an intimate moment that I don't fucking deserve. "Move in with me. Permanently." I'm sick with anticipation because of how opposed she always is to the idea.

"Alright," she smiles.

Fuck. I think I'm going to become pathetic again. "You're mine?"

"Negan," someone calls outside the door.

"Go the fuck away," I bellow. "I don't care if a fucking asteroid is about to wipe out mankind, fuck off. Get the fucking fuck away from the door! **Now**!"

"I just wanted to say dinner was ready, Jesus," the girl mumbles.

"I mean, fuck. I can't even shit because motherfuckers are always up my ass!"

" _That's_ how you get pink eye," Vin snickers.

"Shut up."

"You must be really constipated from motherfuckers up your ass."

"No, I'm fucking annoyed. Are you mine or not?"

"I like annoying you."

"I know, trust me. What is fucking wrong with me asking to wake up to you every morning?"

"Maybe you got bit in the mall and this is the delirium before the virus takes you."

"No, that already happened back when you agreed to stay with my group. I know that I don't deserve this second chance, but I am goddamn grateful for it. I won't fuck this up, I swear."

"Alright, I'll be yours. Until you shit up again."

"I thought I told you to shut up?"

"Make me."

"Are you twelve?"

"Hopefully, for your sake no."

I grab this woman by the jaw and shut her up. Well, correction, stop her talking because I'm given the faintest whimper against my lips. I pull her in my lap with one swift motion. "Wanna choke me a bit?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"Daily." She shifts, scooting closer against me. "Mostly, I'd like to choke you down right now. Thank you for all your hard work."

"It's definitely hard," I grin.

Her hand slips between us and over my arousal. She kisses up my neck as her fingers run along my length.

Fuck, I'm going to ruin these pants, but I don't want to take them off and make her uncomfortable. My leg starts to bounce in anticipation because her touch feels so fucking good. I want to claim this woman as my own.

"All better?" She asks in my ear.

"Yes," I moan. I press my hands flat against the bed behind me, leaning back slightly to watch those inexperienced hands fumble to get my pants unbuttoned.

She scoots off my lap, standing between my legs.

I shift a bit forward towards the edge of the bed, then bring one of my arms back and adjust myself free. It makes me laugh that she squints to see it because of our conversation about her needing glasses to see this lowercase I.

When she gets to her knees, her eyes widen. "Uhh."

"Yep," I smirk proudly.

Her confidence starts to fade. "What if I can't keep you turned on?"

I run my fingers in her hair, then grab a handful of hair and jerk her head back some. My large frame moves in closer until my lips are right over hers. I start to grin at how submissive she is right now because she doesn't move. She doesn't say a fucking smartassed thing. "Don't make me tell you to stop talking again." I release her hair, returning my hands to the bed.

She shyly grabs me by the hilt, then slowly licks up my length. After she does it a second time, that confidence returns and she takes me in her mouth.

A harsh moan escapes through my clenched teeth. My hips start to move because I'm so fucking eager for this woman to choke down as much of me as she can. "Use your hand to make up for the rest. Good girl, just like that." I am not a nice guy in bed. I just can't be. I need to be in control. The dominant one. But, maybe, this woman might bring something else out in me if she keeps teasing my cock like she's doing. I soon realize how little control I have when she goes back to pleasure me with her tongue. Well fucking played, and I'm sure that's punishment for pulling her hair.

Her tongue circles around the tip, then I slide between rouge lips again.

"You little cock tease." I twitch in her mouth. I'm trying to keep my hands off her head so I don't force her down. Especially this first time. But this is the **only** free pass she's getting. I don't mind some edging, but this is torture.

"Is this too slow?"

"Somehow… I don't think that's a question."

"Maybe you're right." She licks off some of my arousal.

Fuck, it's so goddamn sexy. The way she does it once again like she's waiting for more almost does me in. Or maybe it's the fact that only my cock has been against these lips. Fuck, it's definitely that. Mine. I draw in a deep breath and hold it because I am so fucking close. I'd go get those glasses a hundred times over to feel this again. I bite the inside of my cheek the faster her head starts to move. Just like that. Fuck, don't stop. Don't… My toes curl in my boots as I find my long awaited release. "Fuck," I groan, letting go of the breath I was holding and it feels fucking incredible. I lean back on my elbow out of breath. "Look at you cleaning up the mess you made. You are a good girl."

Her cheeks flush even more before she moves back on the bed.

"You can come sit on my face. Let me return that favor." When she shakes her head no I frown with a pout. "Moving too fast?"

She gives me a nod.

I run my thumb across her cheek. "As slow as you want."

"What if you get bored?"

"I am not getting bored. Trust me. I am a very happy fuck right now."

"I liked the good girl talk."

"Yeah? Why don't you let me see just how wet it got you?"

"How… did you…"

"Know? It's supposed to happen. It means you're turned on." I don't give her much of a choice and swing her legs up on the bed. "Lay back." I reach up and slip her button out of place. Once her zipper is down, I'm not waiting for insecurity to stop me and I strip her pants in one quick motion. My hands trail down the inside of her thighs as I part her legs.

"Negan—"

"Shh." I run my thumb up the center of her panties. Fuck, she's wet. That damp little trail. "Feel good?"

"I don't want my first time to be against your fingers." Her hips shift with a moan.

"You can always come against my mouth instead. Mouth or fingers?"

"Negan—"

I give her a light swat to the rear.

"Mouth!"

"That's what I thought." I circle my thumb slowly because I want to make her squirm a bit. "Yeah?"

"No," she begs, grabbing her panties. "I don't want this. Not like this. I can't see you. I just… I want to wait. And I want my first time to be you inside me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's your body. I just thought maybe if I was a little assertive it would help."

"Are you mad?"

"Fuck no."

"Ok," she frowns.

"Do you want me right now instead of foreplay?"

She shakes her head no. "I'm not ready."

"Then we wait."

"What if I'm never ready?"

"Judging by how wet you are, I'm pretty confident you're going to be ready soon."

"I get that feeling a lot around you."

"Yeah? Well, goddamn, that's flattering as fuck. Come here." As she sits up, my lips press to hers. Now I realize the importance of this touchy-feely fuckery. I don't want her to go to bed tonight with her having any doubts she's mine. That's where I fucked up with Lucille. And why none of the others ever worked out. I'd do anything for Vin, and I don't mind it. "Better, baby?"

"Yes," she smiles, even though she told me she doesn't like the name.

I lay back, taking her with me. Making sure this woman's place is on me, against my chest. I don't even care that I'm still halfway out of my pants. Or that my boots are on. "I'm going to find you those glasses, Vin." I've got more riding on those than just her needing them. I need between those legs.

"I am grateful for what you did at the mall."

"Yeah, I got that impression when you were choking down my cock."

She giggles softly. "Goodnight, Negan."

"You can call me Sir in bed," I grin, running my fingers through her messy long hair.

Her legs rub together.

I know it's because she wants my touch, but I'll keep my hands off until she allows it. My other hand runs down the curve of her ass and back up again. It's a spot she doesn't mind me rubbing. "Goddamn, those pants you wear are always so baggy, I didn't realize your ass was this incredible. I can't wait to fuck it."

"One tight hole at a time, please."

"Mind if I jerk it on your ass?"

"No."

"Why don't you sit up and slowly strip off that shirt?" As she starts to sit up, I reach around her and work my hand up and down on myself. "Start with the top button." My own personal striptease. Shit. As she slips the button out of place for her cleavage, I stroke even faster. She's not wearing a bra. "Fuck slow." I let go of myself and grip her shirt, ripping it apart as buttons fly off. "Goddamn!"

She blushes, and covers them since she's not wearing a bra. "They're nothing special."

"Twist around and see how hard my cock is. Then you tell me that bullshit again."

"It's veiny, and twitching."

"Open up." I tug on her shirt.

She lets it fall and pool around her.

My eyes trail her soft skin. She has the smallest freckle under her left breast. I run my fingers over it, brushing against the underside of perfection. I don't fuck women Vin's age. Lucille was ten years older than me. And I've always been with older women. So let's just say, I don't get to see perky tits like this. "Fuck, you're hot."

She moans loudly when I run my fingers against her nipples. "...maybe we can… play more?"

"Yeah? I want you to say it. I want you motherfucking sure now." I pinch her left one.

"I'm sure," she whimpers.

"Touch yourself."

She shifts her hips, parting her legs more. "Like this?" Her fingers circle the arousal on her panties.

"You know that's not what I fucking mean."

Vin swallows hard, then runs her fingers under her panties.

"You watch those movies in the motel I told you not to?"

"No," she breaths.

"No?"

"I thought about your fingers doing what mine are."

"I can't see what they're doing." I'm such a bastard.

"You can peek."

I curl my index finger under the side of her panties and scoot them over. My cock twitches at this perfection before me. "That's it, baby. Show me how you finger yourself."

Her head tilts back as she moans.

"Do you come this way?"

"Yes."

"Yeah? Tell me you want me to give those fingers a break." Fuck, this is unbelievable. My own personal fuck show. "Tell me you're tired of the fantasy. That you want the real thing."

"I want you."

"You're goddamn right you do." I grab her wrist and move her hand to my mouth as I lick each one of her fingers. I know she can only vaguely make it out, but I won't half ass anything because of it. "Come bring those lips to mine." I hold her by the neck when she leans in. "Not those lips."

"It's embarrassing."

"It won't be when you find that sweet release. I wanna hear just how filthy that mouth can get when my tongue sends you over the edge."

She reaches for the headboard, scooting up.

I keep those panties inched over because I can tell she's still not comfortable. That's about to change as I lick up her slick heat.

"Oh!"

I take her by the hips, delving into perfection. Fuck, she tastes so good. I'll be honest. I talk a lot of shit, but I don't know fuck all about eating pussy. Lucille never allowed it. And most women I've been with were just a quick fuck. At least Vin can't tell the difference. There's just this one small spot that I know thrusts her hips harder against my mouth.

"Oh, fuck, oh, fuck!"

My hands move up her slim waist, over her tits as I'm given another moan. I want to fuck her so bad. Her face down against the sheets as I bury my cock from behind. I give her a sharp smack on the rear as she scoots away from my face. "That's for teasing my cock earlier." I rub the sting away, then bring her back.

She moans when I tongue her little clit as it sends her over the edge. "Negan!"

There is no sweeter sound than that, and it belongs to me. Especially, as she squirms all over my face until her hips still.

Vin looks down at me out of breath.

She's made a fucking mess when I wipe my chin.

"That was…"

"I know. Everyone in this factory does. Come lay back down. I still have plans for that ass." More like collapse on me. I take some of her hair in my hand, turning her head a bit so she's looking over her shoulder.

"Do you want me to—"

"Quiet. Watch." I reach between her legs and run my fingers along her innocence, then use her arousal on my length. "Fuck," I moan, working my hand faster on myself. I've never been this turned on, and this is just some kinky foreplay. "Yeah, fuck, I'm gonna come." I tug down some of the fabric of her panties and shoot all over her ass and lower back. "Fuck, fuck!" A tiny whimper from her makes me shoot once more. "Goddamn, that was so fucking good. I fucking love you so much. I'm fucking putty in your hands for you, and I can't believe I'm saying that, but we're never more truthful than right after we fire one off." I reach for her shirt to clean her up. "It's time to retire this shirt. Get you something a little more fitting to those perky tits, and your sneaky hot ass." I move her panties back in place. "Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm very satisfied."

So am I. Fuck! "You can sit on my face whenever you want."

"We're not going to find glasses that way."

"But we learned I can go twice in one night, which is very good for you too."

"I have a lot to learn."

And, fuck, will I teach the fuck outta her… goddamn!


	24. Chapter 24

I wake up disappointed that Vin isn't on top anymore, until I realize she's rolled off of me. My eyes trail down to perfection. "Vin, get dressed or my dick is going between those tits." I need to focus on today. As much fun as I had last night, she needs glasses because I want her.

Once the two of us arrive at the mall, I get this bad feeling.

"Bad feeling?"

"No, come on. Let's try to hurry. Stay right behind me."

Her fingers curl around one of my back belt loops.

This is slow and very fucking dangerous because there's shit everywhere. Part of the mall is collapsing in on itself. "Watch that beam."

"I feel like I'm going to get us both hurt. I can't see anything, Negan."

"I will protect us. You just put one foot in front of the other."

The first undead we find with glasses, Vin shakes her head no after trying them on.

"It's just the first try. Come on." I wait for her to put them back on the corpse before she's at my side again. "Did you have a good time last night?"

"Yes, I enjoyed your mouth for once."

"What a coincidence, I enjoyed yours too."

"Is that stuff normal. What we did?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, does a mouth really belong in places like ours were?"

"Are you complaining? Try those on."

"No, I'm not complaining. It just felt a little taboo. Like we weren't supposed to do it. No, these don't work either."

"Everything feels that way your first time because you're not really all that comfortable yet. You're still exploring things you like and don't like."

"I liked everything we did last night. Especially, the way you talked to me."

That's a relief. "I know I'm assertive in bed, but I'd never degrade you. Was that spanking shit ok?"

"It stung a little bit, but it made other parts of my body more sensitive."

"Fuck. I'm starting to get turned on. Well, I say that like I'm not always hard around you. Come in this store. I killed a few in this bath body place."

"Why did you go in here?"

"Well," I shift uncomfortable. "I wanted to get you some perfume, but then I started to feel like I was growing a vagina and walked out. There, behind the register."

She shakes her head no after she tries on the pair.

"Alright, don't get discouraged. We just got here." I point at a corpse outside the store.

"It's not that. You know what I find unsettling about this mall? People were just out shopping when the entire place fell to shit. We had no warning. It just happened. The virus that is. These are a tiny bit better. I'm going to keep them on for now."

Goddamn, that's pretty deep of her to say. "I looked outside Lucille's window at the hospital and thought it was a riot. But things just didn't seem to add up. People were on fire, walking the streets. It was like a scene out of a movie."

"What do you think caused it?"

"I don't know. Your generation is a little fucked up what with eating all those bath salts. I mean, what's next, laundry soap?"

"It shows you the power of just one person. Because, ultimately, it started with just one infected person. That's why I always have tried to volunteer and spend my time helping people. All it takes is one person to see the works of another and for it to become contagious."

"I think you should know I agreed to that volunteer shit because I wanted to fuck you, but then it made me feel good."

"Well, feeling good is nice, I suppose, but you get more out of it when you see the impact you have on a person's life. Because I always hoped that people would pass it on."

"You're so pure, Vin."

She shrugs in disagreement. "I'm just me." Her attention is turned towards a stray undead.

"That one is wearing glasses." I free my knife and stick it through the undead's wide open mouth so I don't disturb the glasses. "Here."

Vin trades them out and her face gives it away before she can.

What are the fucking odds that this stray undead I didn't kill would have the glasses she needs? Like it was looking for Vin all this time.

"I can see you!" Her eyes brim over with tears.

Fuck, I might just get emotional, too.

"Do they look ok?"

They're more feminine and rectangle shaped than her big boxed ones. "They're just glasses. I don't think about fucking them, I think about fucking you. You make the glasses, they don't make you, Vin."

Her arms wrap tightly around me. "Let's go home. I want to thank you."

"Fuck yes," I shout, thrusting my fists in the air.

"Keep your voice down."

"Relax. I cleared this place."

"Negan, there's never just one undead."

"We're fine—" Oh, fuck.

A fucking herd starts to round the corner.

"Run!" Back behind the way we came is blocked too, and then I realize where they're all coming from. The south entrance to the mall has collapsed and they're pouring in. "This way!" I grab her wrist.

Vin takes out Ass Destroyer and starts fighting off the herd with me, but it's no use.

We have to figure out a place to hide.

"We're trapped!"

I tug her close to me. "I will protect you. Everything else I've done wrong by when it comes to you. Not this. You're getting out of this, Vin." Even if that means running into the herd so they can feast on me while she makes a run for it. I'll lay down my life gladly for this woman.

" **We're** getting out of this, Negan."

There are so many goddamn undead, I'm just not too sure about that...


	25. Chapter 25

We get backed into the one store that has its gate shutters down. "Fuck! It's locked. Give me Ass Destroyer." I try to break the padlock that secures the gate to the floor, but my hand can't get enough momentum with the limited space, and she's not strong enough to do it. I haven't lost hope because there's this small window just out of my reach. I grab the trash can a hurl it at the glass in the shop. Once the glass falls, I grab Vin. "Go."

"No, you don't stand a chance alone!"

"And we both know that we don't stand one together. This is the only way. Vin, you lead the Saviors. I know you can, and you'll be ten times the man I could." I give her a bittersweet embrace before lifting her up to the window so she can climb in. "Don't watch."

"Negan," she sobs down at me.

I give her a wink and turn my back even though I'm terrified. No one wants to fucking die, but at least I can go knowing she's safe. "Alright, you shit fucks." I grip Lucille tight. On the bright side, a hundred or so meat puppets should devour me pretty quickly. My confidence goes fuckways once I'm overrun. One of them start to gnaw on my arm and I'm wondering how long until the leather sleeve gives. I look over my shoulder when I hear Vin curse, then she screams my name. The rolling cage shutter starts to lift up.

"Negan," she yells.

How the fuck did she get that thing open? I shove the undead off and kick one more before running to the shutter. "Good girl! A little more," I say, getting on my stomach to slide under it.

"It's stuck!"

Of fucking course it is. And now Vin gets a front row seat as I'm ripped in half. I look up to see Ass Destroyer slid through the gate and into an undead. This woman is giving it her all to save me, and I can't let her harbor guilt if I don't make it. She continues to fight them off while I use strength I didn't even know I had to lift this thing enough where I can get under it. My right boot is taken, and the metal from the gate slices up my calf, but I have my life.

Vin reaches under, lopping off the undead's arm and getting it back before the two of us yank the shutters back down.

Whatever cover this store had for the remodel process is moved into place so the undead can't see inside. I step up on the ledge to watch from the window I broke and wait for them to lose interest. "It's working," I whisper. They become distracted by a break in the clouds and the sun reflecting off the metal fountain.

"Negan," she says shaken up.

I hop down as she hurries to me and our lips meet.

"I thought—" She drops my boot, deepening the kiss.

My hands move around the curve of her ass as she's moved up against me. Her legs wrap around my torso as best they can. That was too goddamn close for comfort. I press her back to the wall, grabbing at the hem of her shirt. It's almost at the expense of her new glasses when I yank the shirt off over her head, but she steadies them back into place. There's some kind of closet next to us that I yank open. It ends up being a small bathroom. I shut the door behind us, thankful for the window to let the light in. I put her on the sink, then reach over my shoulder and pull my shirt off. The way her hands trail my wide chest feel so fucking good.

Her eyes drop downward and so does her hands. She's not fumbling with any buttons or zippers, and frees my cock with wide eyes.

I don't even try to get this woman anymore naked. Just enough to get my dick inside of her. Which I'm about to come just from seeing her spread out before me. "Fuck." I run my head up her warm slit, so fucking eager to accommodate me. "Just like we talked about. I'll stop if you say the word."

"I want you."

I bring her to the edge of the sink just enough, holding her by one of her thighs. My eyes fall closed as I give her just the tip.

She squirms just a bit, grabbing me by the bicep.

Fuck. My. Dick. I have waited to fuck her for so long, but she is so tight this might be a very short fuck. I move my hips back and take a few quick breaths.

"I'm ok."

"I'm not," I laugh. Jesus how embarrassing. Don't be a vagina, fuck the vagina.

"Sir?"

That pulls me from my thoughts as my lip coils upward. "Good girl. You learn fast." I harshly take hold of her neck and I claim what's mine.

Vin tilts her head back as a moan leaves those sweet lips.

I'm greedy and want another one.

"It's so good!"

"I know." Her mouth opens as her eyes shut when I delve all the way inside her. I turn her head some so she can look at the mirror. "You like watching me fuck you?"

She doesn't respond. Just some lazy head nod accompanied by a moan.

This is actually quite stupid because all this noise is going to draw the undead back to the gate. My hand moves from her neck to cover her mouth. I let out a grunt because her walls clench tight around me. "You filthy fuck," I say in her ear.

Vin says yes sir into my hand. She runs her hands along the v of my abdomen impressed by my form like she hasn't seen it before.

My thrusts pick up and it makes me wonder how long this sink is going to stay fixed to the wall. I wipe the sweat from my brow with the crook of my elbow. Fuck, it's so fucking hot in here. Even the mirror is starting to fog like when you step from the shower. Her glasses, too.

It's just nice to be desired like this. To know this woman's arousal on my cock is because I'm all the man that she needs. "Come for me. Let me know how grateful you are for Sir's cock." I get my thank you as soon as my hand is brought from her mouth.

"Negan," she chokes on her own screams. Her eyes prick in the corners with tears.

I shoot my load so far into this woman, so deep in-fucking-side of her.

Her nails leave red smears down my arm as she continues to find her release.

Fucking shit! Fuck! Fuck. My thrusts start to slow, my breathing heavy against her temple. I feel hers hot on my chest. "Finally, fuck." It makes me feel so fucking stupid all the times I fucked shit up because we could have fucked a year ago. Or shit however long we've known each other. I'm not really good at that sentimental fuckery. "Clean me off," I smirk, holding myself by the hilt.

"If you clean me off." She parts her legs some.

"No way, that's not even the same thing."

"Fuck you then."

I bellow out a laugh. "Goddamn, you're hot." I bend over to swipe her boot from the floor and set it in her lap. "What's wrong?"

"You said you wouldn't take my virginity on the bathroom sink."

Shit. I did say that. "Are you disappointed," I frown.

"I liked it. It was rough and a little dirty. I don't think I would have enjoyed the bed as much."

This woman doesn't even know what's in store for her. I brace the wall so I can catch my breath some. "You just wait until I tie you to one of those large bedposts."

"So you can claim my tight heat?"

I can't even speak. I just nod.

"Well… how long do I have to wait?"

Fuck me, I love this woman.

* * *

Vin sits nervously in the infirmary. Her head down in shame.

Fuck, this is what I didn't want. We were so wrapped up in the heat of the moment yesterday, I kinda... forgot to use protection. "Just give her the fucking pill to make this shit go away."

The doctor sighs, folding her arms. "You want me to give you this pill because you didn't practice safe sex. Negan, aren't you in your forties? You should know better."

"Hey! Hey, where in the fuck do you get off?! And fuck you! I'm not forty." Yet. "Give me the goddamn pill!"

"These are for accidents. Or god forbid something happens to one of our women because some grabby man can't keep his hands off her. I just want you to know that by your careless mistake, you're taking this away from a woman who might actually need it." She narrows her eyes at Vin. "Because you're acting like some bitch in heat."

I knock over the tray of medical supplies. "How dare you speak to what's mine like that! Pack your shit, and get the fuck out!"

Only it's Vin that runs out.

"I mean it! Get the fuck out!" I end up finding Vin in our room sitting at the edge of the bed.

"I can't do it, Negan. She's right. We weren't safe. This is the consequence."

"Vin, this is what the pill is for. For accidents. She was just being dramatic."

"But she makes a valid point. What if one of the women get raped? That pill needs to be for them. Not for me because I can't keep my legs closed." Vin starts to sob. "I'm a whore."

This turns into a fifty-four minute meltdown as I try to calm her down. She shouldn't feel like this. It's my fault, and now things are just so fucked up one side and down the other because of it. Right as I convince her to take the pill, then she starts another meltdown because she doesn't understand the concept of the pill. "You're not hurting anything. It's only been one day. Vin, all this does is stop anything further from happening. If something already happened… if… you do get pregnant, well, we deal with it then. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for all this to happen the way it did."

"It's not an abortion?"

"No, God, no. Jesus. Look, read the little booklet. It explains everything. Bottom line, it's your choice." I put the box in her hand, too. "I'm going to leave. You take the pill, or you go put it back in the infirmary. Whatever you decide, we don't have to talk about it. Ok?"

She nods, but there's still that uncertainty in her eyes.

"Christ, Vin. I've wanted this for so long. Don't let that fucking jealous cunt take this from us."

"I'm not," she smiles.

"Alright. I'm going to leave you be. This is your decision, and whatever you decide is the right one." I kiss the hand that has the pill in them before getting to my feet. "It'll be ok. I promise..."

* * *

 **A/N Crap is going to start hitting the fan in the next few chapters before this story takes a turn to AU town, and I am so excited for the AU. Let me know your thoughts about the chapters! I love getting your reviews :)**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N In the comics, Carson was more like Negan's advisor. He actually reminded me a lot of Milton. Also, Tara was with Negan before they found Sanctuary in the comic. I've changed that in this story. Arat for the TV crowd.**

 **Side note: Harlan is NOT a Savior. I just like him so he's usually with Negan in my fics. I do what I want.**

* * *

There's a ton of commotion once I'm downstairs. "John, what is all this about?"

John is one of the men that Dwight had in his group. He's pretty fucking shady if you ask me, but he is loyal to me. Well, for now. He did roll over on Dwight once I came along. "Some people just showed up, boss. They're in the courtyard."

People? I count twelve when I get to the gates. "Who is in charge here?"

"I am," a woman speaks up.

"Well… do you have a name?"

"Of course I have a fucking name. Who doesn't have a name?"

"How about you fucking tell me, or quit wasting my precious motherfucking time."

She curves her hostility and relaxes her hand that was going for her knife. "It's Tara."

"That wasn't so fucking hard now, was it? I'm Negan, and I lead the Saviors." I think this is the first time that I've actually announced we have some kind of club name or something. The others seem to really like having an identity.

After I speak with her group, I extend the offer for them to stay. Explain how my point system works and what's to be expected of them. As luck would have it, they have a doctor named Harlan. Harlan's brother is also with this group. Carson. I guess because of Vin, I have a soft spot for this Carson fuck in glasses. He seems way too nervous, but he's goddamn good with numbers and shit. "You're going to be my go-to." This way, I don't have everyone up my fucking ass twenty-four hours a goddamn day. They can report to him, and he can report to me.

The rest of the people in Tara's group weren't anything special, but I guess only time will tell. "Anything you brought with you, keep. Anything scavenged from here on out goes in our supply room." It's not really that difficult of a system I've devised. You basically work for points. Then trade those points for things you need. This keeps people from being lazy fucks. If you want to sit on your ass all day, fine, but you'll starve.

I stand up on the second level as I look out over the cafeteria. This group puts us at seventy-three people. Which puts us just one step closer to Salvation Sixty Six. I can't wait for the day I am face to face with Alder again. Cocksucking motherfucking motherfucker.

While everyone eats, I return to my room. Once inside, I reach down and grab my calf. Fuck. That goddamn cut on the back of my leg is killing me. I try to get a good look at it, but can't tug my jeans up enough. Oh, well. It'll go away.

"Come on, let's go to bed," I tell Vin. She's in the bathroom. When she doesn't have anything smart assed to say, it really fucks with me. I don't want a woman who is subservient in the things I say. I love the fact that Vin always has something to retort back with. So moments like these really make me appreciate that mouth all the more. "Maybe it's not the right time to say this, but I got rubbers."

She takes the box from me and inspects it over. "There are only thirty-six in this box."

My lip coils upward. "That's my girl. Pour me a drink, then come strip for me." I have a seat down on my large armchair. The more we fuck, the more she starts to gain some confidence which is something I was little worried about because of how reluctant she was to fuck me.

The following day when we return from a supply run, she locks her fingers around my cock and backs me against the truck. "We're not alone," I grin. A few people are on fence duty and Tara is in the guard tower. I start to laugh when Vin unzips my pants and gets to her knees. "You fucking slut." I grab her by the back of the hair. I'm pretty rough with her, but Vin and I agreed to have a safe signal. She double taps her shoulder or mine if things get too intense for her. We haven't run into that yet, but we still have a lot to explore. I am the luckiest fuck alive.

* * *

I fold my arms across my chest and debate how to sneak this snow globe past my men. Hmmm.

"Uh," John clears his throat.

I play it off. "What? I was thirsty."

"Here, boss. I got water. Don't drink that shit in there."

Now I feel like a pussy and an idiot. "Check the back room." Once he's out of sight, I stuff the fucker in my jacket. It kinda makes me think… what's to stop my men from sneaking shit when scavenging? I guess if someone catches me, I can use it as an example. Thankfully, I don't and I make it back to our room undetected.

Vin isn't home yet. I have her, Connor, and Teddy doing a run to map the parameter.

I end up dozing off and when I wake up, my cock is in her mouth. After I find my release, she doesn't want anything in return. She just quietly goes to clean her glasses that I kinda shot some of my load on. "Sorry," I laugh. "Guess you didn't see that coming."

Vin starts to crack up. "That was clever."

"Yeah, baby, I am. You got the best."

"I do," she smiles. "I wanted to talk to you about something. One of the new arrivals is getting grabby with Teddy. She's scared to tell Simon… you know, that he might kill the guy."

"Who is it?" Keep your fucking cool.

"I just know that he's got a skullet."

"..." Huh? The fuck… is a skullet? Whatever. "Bring Teddy up here." I pace so furiously, there are skid marks from my boots on the floor.

Teddy seems shaken up when she steps in the room. This fuck didn't get a little grabby with her. He cornered her in the restroom. In the women's restroom.

Goddammit! I haul ass down to the third level to find Carson. "Call a meeting. Now. Everyone."

"Sir, it's late. Shouldn't it wait—"

"Meeting, now," I raise my voice.

He cowers and runs off.

"Don't touch me, Vin." I shake her hand off my arm. I don't want to be consoled right now. All I see is fucking red. I just keep thinking about Alder. About how I won't have my women live in fear that because society's rules are gone it's a fucking free for all. No goddamn way.

Most everyone has turned in for the night, so it's a bunch of spaced looks.

That's ok, they'll wake up soon enough. "Saviors, I'll make this brief because this isn't really a talking sort of meeting. Simon, come here."

Simon moves through the crowd until he's at my side.

"You," I point at the greasy fuck who has had his hands on Teddy. When the man is in range, I swing Lucille right against his chest as it drops him to the floor. "Let me make this clear as fucking clear can get. If you touch a woman without her consent, you die." I set my hand on Simon's shoulder and lean in to tell him the things this fuck tried to do to Teddy.

Simon, as he should, as any **real** man would, sees a punishment fit for the filth.

"If you go into the women's restroom, you die. Keep your goddamn hands to yourself, or..." I slam Lucille down on skullet's outstretched hand as Simon pummels him. Then I fling Lucille outward as blood splatters some people on the front row. "If I get the feeling that you're not all there. That you pose a threat. That you're capable of instability, you're gone. The rules are pretty simple. The rules keep us alive. Now get the fuck on with what you were doing." I glance down at Simon. "Chain him to the fence. Let him be a warning to the others." I'm sure everyone is going to sleep safe and fucking sound after that display, but I have no tolerance for that kind of shit. If we don't take care of each other, what's the fucking point of trying to rebuild what we once had? Disgusting!

I change from my bloody white shirt.

"I'll wash it." Vin extends out her arm.

I keep hold on the shirt when she takes it from me. "That wasn't a situation where I needed to be comforted. You understand that, right?"

"I didn't know. I was just trying to help."

"There will be times when I need to be a leader, and I don't need you trying to fucking coddle me!"

"I'm sorry."

I give her a grunt then walk away to shower. Part of me doesn't know where this anger is coming from. It's like these last twenty-four hours I've been a bit on edge for some reason.

* * *

You know you've fucked up when a woman has her back to you before you even make it in the bed. And they take up just the smallest sliver of it, too. I go around the bed and kneel down in front of her. "Look at me. I wasn't even mad at you, ok? I lost my temper because this shit is still pretty sensitive to me. I just kept seeing Alder and the way he humiliated you. It was wrong of me for snapping at you. I mean, yeah, I didn't want to be touched, but that's only because of how angry I was."

"That apology was fucked."

"I'm fucking sorry. I don't want to go to bed mad. We both work way too goddamn hard for a sleepless night. How do I fix this?"

"Don't let things bottle up and then bite my head off for it. Channel your anger appropriately."

"I'd like to bite something of yours."

"That time has come and gone. As a woman, I found it very arousing to watch you take control. Then your mouth ruined it."

"Let me go kick Dwight's ass. You can watch."

"No."

"Fuck. I cockblocked myself!"

"Yes, you did."

"I didn't mean to talk to you the way I did, Vin. I'm sorry."

"That apology is better," she smiles.

I move on the bed, stretching over her. What starts off as some slow intimate bullshit, quickly gets filthy as fuck. "Goddamn, I don't have any fluids left."

"I left marks on your neck from where my hands were."

"Fine by me." I watch her fingers trail my chest and down my stomach. It feels incredible, especially the lower she gets. My heavy eyes start to close.

Her lips press to my ear. "I want you again."

"Yeah, I'm pretty goddamn irresistible," I smirk.

"Fuck me, Negan."

"As much as I want to, I can't. We don't work like you women do." I tug at my limp cock. "Out of service."

"That's hardly fair."

"I know," I laugh until it's silenced from her sitting on my face. As tired as I am, I give it my all since I remember the days when I couldn't even fantasize about this because it seemed so unrealistic. That and she pretty much lets me do whatever I want to her. How things have changed.

* * *

 _Almost heaven, West Virginia. Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River._

I lazily open my eyes to the record player. "What in god's name is this?"

"John fucking Denver," she smiles. "Here, I made you coffee. I know you don't want to hear this, but take it easy today. Your coloring is off this morning."

 _Country roads, take me home to the place I belong._

"Probably from this terrible song. Turn it off," I laugh.

"It's better than the shifting noises of the factory." Vin's got this thing about repetitive noise and something above our room keeps making this squeaking noise. "I'm going up there today."

"Be my fucking guest." And I got this thing about heights. Which is ironic being 6 foot 8 and afraid of heights, but that's plenty high for me. "Bring me my jacket, would you?" I fish out the snow globe and hand it over. "I got you this."

She starts to laugh. "It says _Vegan for life_."

"I know, that's why I got the damn thing." I show her what happens if she shakes it as the fake snow circles the globe.

"Thank you, Negan."

"Sir," Carson knocks.

"Come in." Jesus Christ. I went through a lot for that fucking globe and now I can't even enjoy some thank you fuckey sucky.

"One of the scouts returned with news about another community. A large one with huge walls. And a historic house sits in the middle."

"I read about that place," Vin starts. "It's the Barrington House."

"It's still standing then, it'll be there later. Leave us," I tell Carson. I'm not about to walk into a trap like Salvation Sixty Six.

Vin's eyes shift to the ceiling at the noise.

I give her a breathed laugh. "I'm going to start my day."

"I think you should lay down more. You don't look well."

"Look, I'm fine. I can't lay around because I'm tired."

"Do you want me to come with you to Barrington house?"

"No, I don't want to take any women with me."

"Not everyone will be like Salvation Sixty Six, Negan."

That's just not a risk I'm willing to take.

* * *

Fuck it's cold in here, yet I'm sweating. I gotta piss again, but nothing is coming out when I do.

 _Country roads, take me home to the place I belong._

"Vin, I thought I said to turn the record player off?"

My men all stare down at me from the meeting table like I've lost my goddamn mind. I have lost my goddamn mind because I'm hearing that music again.

"Boss," John calls for a second time.

"Get on with it," I snap, closing my jacket more together for warmth. As this meeting continues, my condition turns even shittier. Did I eat last night? Yeah. Right? No, I don't think I did. Maybe it's not the meat sweats then.

"Sir?"

The voice that prompted me, I can't even recall to whom it belongs. "I don't…" I rise up from the table, steadying myself with my hands. Fuck. Did I get bit at the mall and not realize it? What the fuck is happ— "...hng..." I drop to the floor.

* * *

 **A/N I wrote this chapter when the Fallout 76 trailer was released, so that's why the John Denver song.**


	27. The Fall -- Part One

**A/N Thanks for being patient, all. These last few months have been the most difficult for me, but I'm finally in a place (I hope) where I'm able to pick up fanfiction again. Just to recap… The group has just found Sanctuary. Vin has forgiven Negan and has her new glasses, but Negan has suddenly fallen unconscious. Onward we go! This chapter has a lot of filthy smut in it. It takes up a good chunk of this chapter. Just note the end of the chapter is important if you skip over the smut.**

* * *

 _Look, Vin, I come in here day after day and buy soda. I don't even drink soda. It's all in my back seat. I come in here to see you. These three minutes are the highlight of my day. If you don't want me to come back, I won't. But if it'd be ok, I'd like to come in here tomorrow and buy soda._

Perhaps you could donate the soda to the food drive.

Ok.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

My heavy eyes open with much difficulty, but fall closed after mere seconds.

 _That's the last of it._

Thank you for donating. There are so many people in need. I'm going to volunteer at the soup kitchen on Saturday if you're still feeling in the giving spirit.

I thought that was only for the holidays?

Oh, no. They always need volunteers. The holidays are when everyone thinks to volunteer, but what about the other days?

I hear Harlan before my eyes adjust to the room. "Where…"

"Negan!" Vin touches my shoulder. "Thank gosh," she sobs.

"What is fucking going on? And where are my pants?" And why am I in the infirmary?

"Negan, you almost died," Harlan informs me. "You had an extremely bad case of sepsis on the back of your right calf. Vin just happened to mention that you cut your leg in the mall."

Oh, that. Jesus, I didn't think it was that bad of a cut.

"You are extremely lucky. Any worse and I would have had to amputate."

"Alright, I get it. No point in getting worked up over what could have been." I sit up from the exam table and move the sheet so I can see. Only my eyes move up to, yeah, you guessed it. Dwight in the doorway. "How did I know you'd show up? Will everyone get the fuck out?" I grab Vin's hand when she tries to leave and wait to be alone. "Thank you."

"Maybe you don't want to hear this, but I was worried."

"I know and I'm sorry." I pull her up so she can sit with me. If I died, what would I really have to show for it? I need to work harder at making this a place where if something did happen that Vin would be alright. "How long was I out?"

"Two days."

It felt more like two months. "Is it a fucking free for all?"

She shakes her head no. "I sent a few groups on runs, and the rest of us built a greenhouse."

"Damn, I take two days off and I'm out of a job."

She laughs softly. "You were missed."

I somehow doubt that. I just happen to be the biggest fucker here so I think people go along with what I say. My eyes widen when I catch a glimpse of my leg. "Fuck. That shit is infected as fuck."

"It was worse."

Well, it feels pretty fucking shitty, and I find that out once I try to start back for my room. "Jesus, that almost killed me." But laying in bed rather than that hard exam table is worth it. "I had like these, I don't know… hallucinations? While I was passed out. About us and when we first met."

"My soda stalker." Vin tugs down my socks so she can take them off.

"I've never done anything like that before, but I'm glad I did."

Vin crawls on the bed, stretching over me. "Me, too, coach."

God, I want her, but even I can smell myself and it's gross. I almost feel bad as she lays against my chest, but it's her own doing.

This goddamn leg infection takes almost a week to get over. I'm about to lose my fucking mind by the end of it. My only saving grace was Vin. "I should thank you for helping me while I was down."

"Oh?"

Actually, there's been something I've wanted to try with her. I just need to work up the courage to do it. And one rainy Tuesday it happens. I walk in our bedroom and close the heavy door behind me. My boots plant firmly in place. "Come get on your knees for me."

She sets down her paper and does as she's told.

I cup her jaw, tilting her chin up. "I got you something." It hangs loosely on my fingers.

"Oh," she smiles, taking it from me and putting it around her neck.

I just stare down at her a little confused. "Yeah… that's not a necklace." I take it back from her, gripping both sides of the leather. "The metal ring goes behind your teeth."

Her eyes widen. "That's pretty big to go in my mouth."

"How else is my cock gonna fit through it?"

She starts to blush. "Ok. I'll try it."

"Wanna play? You better be certain…"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good girl. Now open that mouth." Once it's comfortably in place, I fasten it behind her head. I lean down, getting right in her face. "Nothing smart to say now, huh?" I unzip my pants and pull myself from it, running my arousal across her chin and lips. Then with one forceful thrust, she chokes. I wait for her hand to tap her shoulder, but it doesn't come so I keep fucking her. "You like that? Nod! Tell me you like choking down Sir's cock."

She gives it her all to say something back, but it's just muffled noises.

I tilt my head back, letting out a harsh grunt. "That's it. Take all of me. Goddamn, you're so filthy." I know it's wrong, but I shoot all over her face. I regret not being able to last a full minute from some blow job, but fuck.

Whenever Vin and I do something a little rough like this, I always make sure that she knows she's loved. I'm mindful removing the gag so I don't snag her hair, and I clean her face for her before myself. I massage her jaw until I get a smile.

"Thank you."

"No. Thank you," I laugh. "Did you like the gag?"

"It wasn't my favorite, but I like turning you on."

"Good fucking answer." I don't get her anymore tonight because I'm called away to deal with some shit. And shit just keeps on escalating. The more people we bring in, the more drama that comes too. After two days of it, I'm finally able to sit down and do inventory. God, what a shit show.

"Hey, coach. We've almost gone through this entire box of rubbers. Are you going to tie me to the headboard and fuck my tight little hole or what?"

I choke so fucking hard on my drink, I can't respond for almost twenty minutes. "Fuck," I gasp. I swear to Christ, I think I'm done for. "Jesus. My chest." I grab at my shirt some and try and take in another breath.

"Gosh, you'd think no one's ever talked dirty to you."

"They haven't. Not fucking like that. Shit!" I toss my clipboard to the side because I'm not getting fuck all done. Speaking of inventory, I saw something in it that caught my eye. "I got something for us to play with."

"Is it another gag?" She seems disappointed.

"No, it's something I want to fuck you with. Come lay across my lap so I can get you nice and wet first." Actually, I want to try something else first. My hand runs over the curve of her ass before I reach back and give her a sharp smack to it. "That's for smarting off to me. Don't act disappointed about the gag. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

Another swat. "Yes, what? Address me as Sir."

"Yes, Sir."

I move her legs apart, dipping my hand between them. "You filthy fucking slut. Look how wet you are for me already!" I bring my hand around so she can see it. "Lick it off."

"Yes, Sir."

"Faster." I spank her again. "That's a good little fuck. I'm gonna fuck you and if you come I'm not going to be happy." These dildos they make are fucking disturbing. Even down to the veins. I lube this bastard up and try to ease it in her.

"Ouch!"

"Do you want the gag?"

"No, Sir."

"Get up. Now," I spank her. "Go to the bed." I lay down, then have her sixty-nine me, scooting her down some so I have the perfect view. My fingers tease her clit before I try again with this dildo. When she moves away from me, I slap her ass. That's when I put my cock near her mouth. "Not lick. Choke it fucking down or I'll make you. That's a good girl. Just like that." Once she's got a good rhythm, I drip some lube starting at her ass and let it run down her lips. Then I finger her tight cunt with it. She muffles moans against my cock. "Those moans are cute, but screams are better." In goes this dildo a third of the way inside her wet heat as I get my screams, followed by a choke. "Don't you dare come." I finger her smooth skin while I fuck her immobile. "Put my cock in your mouth or I'm getting the gag." This is going to be my demise. The view. The screams. "Now you can come, and you better show me how grateful you are." It is a sight to see to make your woman come undone like this. I don't care who heard her. What people thought. As long as she's satisfied and that spaced out look tells me just that. I'm a greedy fuck though and want more. "Up. Now." I tie her up alright and scoot that ass to me. "Fuck." I've always wanted anal. "Look back at me while I fuck your ass. Just like that." It's my turn, and it's long awaited. I figure this is probably my first and last time to enjoy this but, surprisingly, when we're done she tells me she liked it. "Like you'd do it again liked it? Or you liked it because you think it's what I want to hear?"

"I'll do it again, but you said you couldn't go twice."

Every day I fall more for this woman. She is just what I need to satisfy me in every way. I figure why not test the boundaries a bit because I would love to watch her eat some pussy. "Remember when you said I should be honest? So, uh. What about a threesome with Teddy?"

"We already had a threesome. Back in your office."

"Vin, that was… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. And I don't even want to fuck Teddy. I just wanted to watch the two of you sixty-nine."

"I'm giving you a hard time. I'll have a threesome with you and Teddy right after we have one with Connor."

"No fucking way! Are you serious?"

"I like his mohawk. He's hot," she shrugs.

"It's a shit stain trail on his head." Fuck. I shouldn't have asked. I start to become insecure and think about how Lucille cheated on me with Dwight. I know I can't handle the truth, but I need to know. "What about Dwight?"

"No way. I want a man whose fingers don't shy away or tremble when my legs part. I don't know what any woman sees in him."

I bellow out a laugh. Thank fuck she's not into him. "I fucking love you, my dirty little fuck."

* * *

I walk out into the courtyard to see my men loading up our extra supplies as trade for this new community. As much as I want to take some of the women, I make a decision at the last minute to leave them here. Just in case it's too dangerous. After everything I've seen, I don't have a lot of faith in humanity anymore. "For those of you who were with me from the start, we learned early on what large groups are capable of. If I get that feeling, we'll take them by force. Your wives and children are here. Our home is here. We can't allow anyone to threaten that. Let's head out." I take my place in the truck, leaning Lucille against the console. Snapping into this leadership role was easy for me, except times like this where I feel like I'm in limbo. I could really use Vin's smart mouth as a distraction.

This place has walls taller than our truck. And… guards? I start to think that maybe we should turn around. When the front gate actually starts to open, that's when I become truly concerned. The last people who welcomed us… well… we know how that turned out.

"I'm Gregory. This is the Hilltop."

I panic when I see the organization of the group. Alder's words leave my mouth as I threaten the Hilltop into giving us supplies. Better us than them, I keep telling myself.

My men take my lead and start threatening the other people into getting supplies.

"Weapons," I demand. The group is oddly cooperative. It's strange to feel like I'm not in control of a fucking thing. What have I fucking done?

Once we're home and all my men pile inside for dinner, I throw up near the truck. I press my back to the truck, sliding down until I'm on the gravel. "Fuck!" Oh my god, what have I done? I'm a monster. What's worse is Vin saying it to me. Repeating it over and over how I'm this monster.

I brush my teeth twice because I can't believe Alder's words came from my mouth.

 _We're the Saviors. You provide for us. If you don't like it, fucking leave._

I scrub my skin red in the shower, especially my hands. My knuckles are cracked from hitting one of their guards to show them who is in control now. All these images, thoughts, regrets.

I have a seat on my bed completely numb.

Vin comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. "What is it?"

I turn my head and press my lips to hers. "I need you."

"Then have me."

Vin and I are usually pretty rough in bed, but I can't tonight.

"Like this?"

"Yes," I moan, filling her with every inch.

"Do you want to tie my hands—"

"No, just slow." I give her a deep kiss as my hands touch any skin I'm able. When I touch her breasts, I think about Alder's hands on them.

Vin moves one of my hands to her throat.

"No."

"But… I don't understand."

"I just want to make love to you. Ok? No rope. No gags. No filthy fuck slut names."

She nods nervously.

My thrusts are slow and deep inside her as I try to enjoy this for as long as I'm able. If she ever finds out what I'm doing to that community, she'll kill me.

"Negan," she moans.

No, baby. Just call me Alder.


	28. The Fall -- Part Two

**A/N Well, all good things come to an end, right?**

* * *

Now I understand the point of those flashbacks while I was unconscious. It's to show me that stealing from the Hilltop is wrong. Only, I didn't heed that warning and there's a war on the horizon. One of my Saviors return to tell me that this fucking barbarian Rick opened up fire and killed some of my men. I won't fucking tolerate this.

I send a search party to find this Rick Prick, but end up finding just one more community that we can get supplies from. Some kind of school.

I fear every day that Vin is going to find out what I'm doing. Even keeping her occupied with making maps and having her stay in my room, my days are limited. One day, I panic and purposely take her glasses before she wakes up because she's starting to make comments on how she wants to come with me.

"They were right here…"

"We did get pretty fucking rough last night. Check under the bed." I'm such an asshole knowing they're in my pocket. "Vin, I need to go."

"But, Negan, my glasses."

"Baby, it's ok. Take a day for yourself."

"Ok, I guess," she frowns.

I hurry from the room before my guilt consumes me any further. My lie… this illusion I've created is so fucking out of control, it's costing me men.

John finally comes to me with news. "Sir, we found Rick."

"Show me."

Maps are rolled out on the meeting table. I trace my finger along the main route they'd take. "We'll wait for them to leave and cut them off here. Take everyone except for Simon and Connor. They can't know, John."

"On it."

"Dwight, while I deal with Rick, you take a group and attack this Alexandria Safe-Zone."

"Negan—"

"You're either a part of this or you're not."

As if all these signs aren't enough, I still go through with the assault on Rick's people. I refuse to live in fear so I become the **fear**.

The kid's life I take is barely into his twenties. Luck of the draw as Lucille comes down hard on his head. It needs to be done. It must be done. Better us than them. "You answer to **me**. You provide for **me**. You belong to **me**. Welcome to a brand new beginning, you sorry fucks. We'll come for your first offering in one week. Until then… ta ta." It didn't have to be such a painful birth. Rick made it that way. At least, that's what I keep telling myself on the ride home. The completely silent ride home. Fucking hell, what have I done?

* * *

I step inside the bedroom to check on Vin thinking she'd be asleep.

"Finally. I was starting to worry. Come here."

I take a step away from her and shake my head. "I need a shower."

"I don't mind."

"I have undead blood on me. I'll just be a minute." Add this to another one of my endless lies.

I'm disturbed by all this kid's blood on me. Christ, where is it all coming from? Am I just imagining it at this point? My head is such a mess, I almost step on Vin's glasses. I forgot they were in my pocket as I pick my jacket up off the floor. My eyes widen when I see Glenn's blood on her glasses. I'm frantic to wash it from the lenses. I turn my attention to myself in the mirror. Just fucking tell her the truth. You can still fix this. She forgave you for Lucille. She can forgive you for this too, right?

I reach out my hand and give her the glasses. "They were in the bathroom."

"That's odd. Why would I leave them in the bathroom and walk back to bed without them?"

"Does it matter? We found them."

"Yes, you're right."

Jesus, I need fucking index cards to keep up with all these lies. I lay my face between her tits. For once, I am not in the mood to fuck. My stomach is so upset, I skip dinner too.

"What's wrong, Negan?"

"Just a long day." I'm on borrowed time. This is worse than lying to her about being married because this goes against everything Vin stands for. That kid's blood is still under my fucking nails despite how hard I scrubbed. I'm going to lose the only thing that matters to me. "Do you ever feel like maybe Alder went about things the right way at first, but then this world didn't allow him to? He knew that in order to protect his men, he had to go about things a certain way. And it might not have been the right way, but it was the way he thought was right?"

"That's why you've been so secretive."

Oh, fuck. No. I'm not ready for this conversation.

"You found another group like them."

Thank fuck. "Yes," I lie. "And I found myself wondering if maybe this world makes you that way."

"I'd rather go back to living outside, not knowing where my next meal was coming from than be a part of something like Salvation Sixty Six."

You **are** a part of it. I didn't think I could become any worse of a human being.

* * *

I wake up this morning with the most uneasy feeling. Vin is gone. Hmm, she never gets up before me. When I hear the main doors open, I get out of bed. Maybe fucking will be the distraction I need.

Carson lets himself into my room. "Sir."

I look at Carson like he's lost his goddamn mind. "You wanna fucking knock? My dick is out here." I literally got caught with my pants around my ankles trying to be spontaneous for Vin. I think every one of my men have seen my dick now.

"Uh, Sir. You might want to get dressed. Vin is on her way and she's not happy—"

"Carson, out," Vin snaps.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Is, uh," I start nervously as I tug my pants up. "Everything ok—"

"Fuck you, Negan!" The anger on this woman's face right now.

The jig is up, and all this shit comes crashing down. All this time I've been stalling and I have nothing to show for it. No good excuse. No reasoning. I have a seat on my bed. "Who told you?"

"That's what you have to say?!"

Yeah. For once, that's all I have to say… When I watch those tears fall, goddamn. "I'm sorry, baby."

"You lied to me," she sobs. "You hid me away in this industrial tower thinking I'd never find out. You murdered that poor man. He had a wife! And a daughter! And a baby on the way!"

Oh. That's what she's mad about? I guess compared to the other shit, that's not so bad and I start to become defensive. "They were threatening our survival! They had to be dealt with. They killed three of our own."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night. If I had known this is the kind of man you'd become, I would have let you die in that mall."

"Vin…" I hang my head, pressing my hands to my face. That fucking hurts.

"The way you murdered him, as egregious as it is, it doesn't compare to the things you've done to the Hilltop. Or the Kingdom. And now you're threatening Alexandria into supplies? Have you lost your mind? Were you not there when Alder forced our hand? Negan, those people were here first and you show up like you own this place."

Fuck… I close my eyes and keep my head down because I am so fucking ashamed.

"God, you pathetic sack of fuck. You don't even have a response. Do you even feel remorse for the things you've done?"

"No."

"So this is what it looks like when you're being truthful."

I hear her round the room a few times and I know it's because she's collecting her things. Not feeling remorse for the things I've done is the only fucking way that I can look at myself in the mirror. By telling myself I was right for protecting my people. For doing anything, no matter the cost. If that makes me a bad person, I guess I was never a good one to begin with. I look up in time just to see this blur of red as she leaves the room. I've done a lot of pathetic things for her, and this is about to be one of them. I chase after her and as she goes out into the courtyard, in front of everyone, I get on my knees. "Please, don't go, because everything **will** be in vain then." Now I didn't fucking think she had it in her, but she punches me right in my goddamn nose. Breaks the motherfucker and everything.

"Fucking shitting piece of fuck!"

I don't just lose Vin over this. Niko, Tex, Carson, Harlan, and Teddy follow. Which means that Simon isn't long if Teddy is leaving. Who am I kidding? Simon and Connor are both gone once they get wind of this. I've done well keeping them away from all this shady shit, but I'm just biding my time.

I step outside the gates, watching Vin until she disappears. She doesn't look back once. Like I died the second she learned what a monster I am. The real truth is that all I wanted to do was protect her, but I failed and lost myself along the way. "You," I point at the man on fence duty. "What's your name?"

"David."

"Congratulations, David. You've just been promoted. I want you to keep tabs on that woman."

"Yes, Sir."

I don't know how I'm going to get Vin back, but I can't just let her walk out of my life. Not again.


	29. The Fall -- Part Three

**A/N I love this chapter! ::rubs hands together evilly::**

* * *

I stab my knife into the map. "They're in this area. Big fucking towers and chain link around an electric company. Near the shore. Can't fucking miss it!"

"But we—"

"No more goddamn fucking excuses," I yell at one of my lieutenants. " **Find me Salvation Sixty Six**!"

"Sir?"

"What," I snap at Dwight.

"It's Connor and Simon. They're packing."

"Pussies," John comments disgusted.

I don't go after them to beg them to stay. I do it because I want to beg them for something else. The tough facade I had in the meeting room softens as I struggle to find my words. "If you see her... please... keep her safe." My nose is broken again by Simon.

"You just let them walk out there alone? Three women and fucking Niko?"

"Carson and Harlan went with them too."

He stares back at me appalled. "You better watch your back if something happens to Teddy—"

I hit him so hard, he falls on his ass. Fuck, I thought I killed him. I grab him by the lapels of his shirt and pull him up to shake him until he wakes. "Don't you fucking threaten me, Simon!"

Simon pushes himself away from me, stumbling back some. "You're not even listening to what I'm saying! You know what it's like out there. Hell, you're proof. If anything happens to them, that's on **you**. You fooled us all, Negan, when you told us that the Hilltop was a threat to us. I find out today they don't even have weapons, barely any food. Because you took that from them. You're fucking pathetic!"

Connor and Alder's original five wives also follow Simon. "Goddamn disappointing," Connor tells me.

I'm oddly a little more disturbed by Connor's words. It is disappointing, and it seemed like it all fell to fuck within a matter of moments. "Get back to work," I yell at the rest of my men. I've lost so many good people, and Niko, that I don't even know how we're going to come back from this.

"Alder."

I look down at one of my men and cock my head. "The fuck did you just call me?"

"Uh. Your name. Negan." His eyes shift side to side. "Oh fuck, I'm sorry. I mean, Sir."

I'm losing my goddamn mind.

* * *

Everyone wants to compare me to Alder? Fine by fucking me. "Saviors, listen up." I mean, why not the harem, too? Oh, and the best part about having wives?

"Sherry, don't do this," Dwight begs broken.

"It's just temporary. Something I can do so you don't have to worry about me and points anymore."

And he's just dumb enough to fall for that bullshit. I don't even get all the way in my room before I have Sherry against the wall.

My fuck you to Lucille.

My fuck you to Dwight.

My fuck you to Vin.

There is no shortage of willing women ready to forgo points and by the end of the day, I have five wives.

Wives mean I'm never alone.

Wives mean a distraction.

Wives mean I will never be stupid enough to fall for some bitch again.

They'll protect me, alongside Lucille.

* * *

"Little pig, little pig. Let me in." Sometimes I crack my own fucking self up with the shit that comes from my mouth. I gotta get my fun where I can.

Rick meets me at the gates of Alexandria.

This is the most ri-goddamn-diculous thing I have ever seen. These people live behind these walls in houses. Running water. Fucking ice makers. Mowing their lawns like nothing ever fell to fuck. The first time we visit Rick, I take half his supplies and his doctor ain't happy. "Do you want my men to start picking out some _soft_ goods?"

"No, it's ok. Take it."

"Well, then. I guess we'll be going. Thanks so much for your time." I reach for Lucille that I've made Rick cart around as a mind fuck. "Thanks for being so accommodating, friend. In case you haven't caught on, I just slid my dick down your throat, and you thanked me for it." This is the moment that I know I can't fall any further. At least, until I see her. I can't see her eyes behind her cracked glasses, but I don't need to to know the hatred Vin has for me right now. I've become Alder. His words leave my mouth. Hoarding, taking, killing for supplies. Wives. Granted, my wives have it fucking made. "There's not a lot to say—"

"Rick's going to kill you."

I take David's gun and shove it into Vin. "Why wait for Rick? Go right the fuck ahead—" The bullet hits me right in the thigh. That meaty muscle part. "Fuck!"

When Vin is taken to the ground by David, her glasses crush under his boots.

"No," I scream, "stop! Let her go." Goddammit. I take my belt off and make a tourniquet.

"You just wait until I have another shot, Negan," she shouts.

"Well, you better goddamn learn how to aim better, you fucking useless bitch," I bark.

"There are **plenty** of other ways to put you in the ground!"

My bullshit is all a facade. Vin's isn't. Watching how fucking angry she is. How she's threatening my life. Vin. **Threatening** me. "Load up," I shout, getting in the truck.

Once we get back home, I call David over and stab him right in the stomach. It's hypocritical, I know. In his mind, he was only doing what any good soldier would. I'm so fucking angry at everything. The only person who's been on my side just threatened to put me in the ground, and, fuck. I believe her. I stab him again when I think about his boots crushing her glasses. Again when I think about how Alder had Vin on the ground. Again when I think about fucking Lucille on that desk. Again knowing Dwight fucked Lucille.

My men are silent.

I shove David off me and onto the ground. When he hits the gravel, his innards spill out like sausage stuffed in casings on an assembly line. "Put him on the fence. Now," I bellow when they all fucking stand there. " **And find me Salvation Sixty Six**!"


	30. The Fall and the Revival

**A/N Since Monday was a very short update, here is another one. I'm going to skip a lot of the comic/show in this chapter, and it's going to be a very fast pace like it has been. Six years will also pass in this one. We're going into the final ten chapters.**

* * *

I send John to Alexandria with a box of glasses I spent two weeks scavenging by myself.

He returns with it. "Rick said your girl left a few weeks back. Get this. With Simon and Connor. Fucking traitors. We'll get them, boss."

"I want a team searching for them at all times. You bring her to me."

"Yes, Sir."

 _Yes, Sir._

"Sherry," I yell, slamming my bedroom door behind her.

"Not so rough, Negan," Sherry whines.

"Shut up." I force her harder down on my cock. Here are five women that will do anything I want. Threesomes, foursomes. I'm living every man's fuck fantasy but my own. I don't want to fuck any of them. I only want one...

* * *

I've waited a long fucking time for this. Months of planning. Of building a fucking army all for this moment.

"No, please," Alder begs disoriented as he crawls to try and get away from me. His blood leaving a trail behind him like a snail.

I bellow out a laugh as I taunt him by following him around. When he reaches for one of the random discarded guns, I slam Lucille down hard on his hand. Some of his fingers dangle from her wires. I like to think that's for Vin. Payback for when he had his disgusting hand in a place it did not belong.

My men have tied his group inside the electrical company, using zip ties to keep them in place because I have plans for them.

"Sir, what are we doing with Alder's group?"

"Burn the building to the fucking ground." I close my eyes and tilt my head back some as I take in the sounds of screaming once the flames start searing skin. Sniveling pulls me back down into reality. I kick Alder on the hip and roll him over. There's a lot of things I want to do to him. He took **everything** from me. Or maybe I just give him more credit than he deserves. Maybe I have been the monster all along. I stab Lucille down in his wide-open mouth as he pleas once more. His jaw bone breaks. His teeth are knocked out. Now it's just choking gasps until he suffocates. I lean down close to his face so I'm the last thing he sees. "We are the **only** Salvation! We're the Saviors."

* * *

I stare back at Alder on my fence. Somehow, I didn't destroy his brain so I put him right in cocksucking front.

"Sir, we… well..."

Every time my men come home with nothing to report on Vin, I delve farther down to no return.

For two years, I fight with Rick.

Until one day, I'm betrayed by Dwight. Again. Rick and Dwight have been working together to bring me down.

"Good," Rick snarls, slicing my throat open with his knife.

I break his fucking leg before I go down. My thought process is that of a cow. It breaks a leg, you shoot it. To me, breaking his leg is better than killing him. Because now Rick is confined within the walls of Alexandria like a dog until the day he puts his own gun in his mouth and ends it all.

Well.

Seems Rick has the same thought process. Rick puts me in… are you fucking ready for this? Jail. Apocalypse fucking jail. Now all I have time for is regret. It takes one night in the dark to break me. I sob into my hands when my thoughts consume me. I've made so many wrong decisions.

For almost three years, I rot in this fucking cell.

It wasn't the first year that was the hardest. It was every goddamn fucking day that was hard.

I try to get my fun where I can. Fuck with the girl who checks on me by stripping completely naked before she makes it down the steps to my cell, which she's not impressed. That backfires one day when it's actually Rick. He's not impressed either. Seems the only person who was ever impressed was Vin. Not even my own wife.

* * *

I wake up in an abandoned house, snapping my eyes open. Those last three years I spent in jail have been a complete blur. Some dumb fucking kid helped me escape. Actually ended back up in Alexandria to help Rick fight a group that made mine look like boy scouts. These Whisperer fucks. Aren't I so fucking nice?

No.

I can't think like that.

Anyway, after the war with the Whisperers, I'm exiled from Alexandria. Only given a backpack full of food, a rifle, and my clothes.

This is how I ended up in this abandoned house.

I get up to start my day, visiting the grave outside my house. Not just any grave. Lucille's. During the fight with the Whisperers, she finally broke in half. I know it sounds mental. Even I think it's a little crazy. But, in a way, it helps me move on by burying her. "I'm sorry I named a stupid fucking baseball bat after you." Lucille had been my strength for a long time, but now it's time that I do it on my own. I've used her as a crutch for far too long. "Goodbye."

* * *

The longer I'm on my own, the more primitive I become. The more I shut down and forget what it means to exist in this fragile society. One day when I'm out scavenging, a group extends an offer to join them. I'm fucking done with groups. With people. I just want to be left the fuck alone, and live out my days that way.

 **Alone**.

Except, life doesn't always work out that way. After a year of being on my own, I wake up to the sound of whistling, then the house comes crashing down on me.

The next morning when I come to, I realize I've survived a tornado. Everything around this area is completely leveled. I plan to go back to Alexandria to see how they held up, but I'm too turned around. By the time I realize it, I've gone maybe fifteen miles out of the way? Something I keep seeing are these small signs that have the same saying on them.

 _Are you worthy?_

The small signs always correspond to the metal road signs along the highway. The ones for lodging, gasoline, and shit like that. I haven't had anything to eat in two days when I ran out of my last can of beans. Here are another one of those lodging signs.

 _Are you worthy?_

 _Four miles._

I can do four more miles. I don't even make it four steps before collapsing to the pavement.

* * *

 **A/N Words cannot convey how excited I am for this story going forward. It's going to be completely A/U now.**


	31. Divine Intervention

**A/N Finally, we've arrived! So I've had this chapter done for a few months and I've been harboring this huge secret that I'm glad to get off my chest.**

* * *

Passing out on that pavement for however many hours has royally fucked me. I'm so fucking thirsty, I'm debating drinking my own, well, I won't go there. Things are looking pretty cocksucking bleak at this point. I've been traveling down this highway like the smaller now individual signs say, but there's nothing in fucking sight. The moment I know I've lost it is when I hear quacking noises. Not from an actual duck, but from a toy duck. I glance over my shoulder to the most unlikely of scenarios.

"Hi," the small voice greets, big brown eyes behind even bigger lopsided glasses.

My eyes travel down her arm to see that she's tugging some kind of duck toy on a string. As it rolls, it makes the quacking noise.

She reaches up to me and then starts opening and closing her hand like she wants to touch something on my face.

I humor her and bend down.

Her finger pokes my chin. "Like mine."

"It's called a cleft chin." This is ironic considering I just happened to shave my beard the night that tornado hit the house.

"Why lie? Call it what it is."

"And what's that?"

"Ass chin."

The… fuck? Did she just say ass? "Nice observation, four-eyes."

"Lucky for me because I just take my glasses off and don't have to look at your ugly ass face!"

I blink several times in disbelief. "I just got my ass handed to me by a five-year-old in diapers."

"How long did you wear diapers for? I stopped almost four years ago."

"I'm being a smart ass."

"More like a stupid ass."

"People find me very funny I'll have you fucking know."

The child has no more time for me and walks on ahead.

Why is a fucking kid alone in—

"Turn around... slowly," a husky voice threatens.

Fuck. This is actually a big motherfucker. Like my size big motherfucker. He's not even bothering with his gun. Guess when you're huge fuckers like us, you really don't need weapons to intimidate one person.

"What are you doing here?"

I know I said I wanted to be alone, but now I'm having second thoughts. "I lost everything in that storm. I'm too old… too tired to start over again so I was following the signs."

"You can come back with us, but you'll need to prove that you're worthy to stay."

"That I'm worthy?"

"Yes. Our leader decides who stays and who goes depending on their worth."

Sounds like a fucking cult. It wouldn't hurt to get something to eat and have a good night's sleep. Now I understand the _are you worthy_ signs. "Do you have anything to drink?"

"We're not far. You can hydrate there."

"Before I'm turned away?"

"Already so certain about his fate. Hmm. Maybe I should leave you here." The man takes the lead as the small child skips behind him.

I follow after him even though it's probably a mistake.

The miles become more and more difficult. Fuck. I don't want to die like this. The trees start to thin and it gives me hope. Until... I think I'm having a heat stroke or something. Where the fuck is that fucking music coming from? Wait, I recognize this song. It's John Denver. I just can't recall from where I recognize it.

 _Country roads, take me home to the place I belong._

Yeah… these people are going to kill me. Or eat me. And watch, they'll serve me with beans as a final fuck you.

In the middle of the road, there's a small crowd of undead. They are distracted by the music which is coming from an old record player encased by a steel cage so the undead can't actually get to it.

"This one has a plastic leg," the small girl tells the brute.

"Prosthetic. Get back," he warns her as he starts driving his knife into the heads of the undead.

I guess I get it now, and my stomach is a little more at ease. Not only does the sound keep the undead from their camp, but they're able to scavenge things from them. I frown thinking about the time Vin and I went looking for her glasses.

"Bull." The girl tugs on the side of his jeans then hoists the duck up to him.

He kneels down and shows her how a rock got lodged in the duck's tracks.

Watching this gargantuan fix a toy for the child assures me that this group isn't something to fear. So I guess it's safe to say that I'm the only monster here.

"Hey," Bull calls back at me. "Let's go. You look like you're about to pass out."

"I already did." At least I know this fucker can carry me if I do. But I don't, and we finally arrive. They must have tampered with the signs or something because there's no way it was four miles from when I passed out to this point. More like eight. That's good though. Smart. Fuck only knows that not a lot of fucks are smart these days.

"Do you have any weapons in your bag?"

"Just my knife." I open it up to show Bull.

He gestures his arm out. "Welcome home. Temporarily."

There's this iron inscription above their gates.

 **DIVINE INTERVENTION**

I definitely agree. I'd be dead if not for these people. When the gates open, I hear the sounds of children. See people doing laundry. Smell the faint aroma of food. They've fortified a motel with thick iron and steel panels that surround it. There are only a few ways in. The main gates. An exit door behind the motel. Over the twelve foot walls. Or a hatch that was put in and a tunnel is dug out to the other side. The pool has been turned into a small water reservoir, as well as a greenhouse.

The child with the duck speeds past me and to one of the rooms.

"What's your name?"

There's that familiar feeling of wanting to lie again. If word has spread about the things I've done this far out, I'll just take it as it's meant to be. "Negan," I tell Bull.

Bull seems like there's something more he wants to ask, but instead leads the way. "Let me show you around. I imagine it's a lot to take in."

"Does this mean I'm worthy?"

"I don't decide that. But everyone gets the same tour. This is a good way for us to find out a lot about you too. Your response and mannerisms to everything. So here we have it. Everyone gets a motel room, though you'll be doubling up with someone because we don't have enough rooms for everyone. Or, if you choose, you can sleep outside. Some of the members have set up a sleeping area over there in the grass."

Fuck. This is a really big community. There are twenty rooms on top and twenty on the bottom. Six tents are on the grass. That's a minimum of forty people if Bull said they were doubled up, plus the ones in the tents.

"Enzo, Lyle." Bull motions for two younger men to come his way. "Clearing and rummage duty, out by the box."

"Yes, Sir," they respond.

"Sir," I scoff. "Thought you weren't in charge?"

Bull folds his arms across his wide chest. "I'm a right-hand man so to speak. Besides, people tend to respect another person when they're our size."

Good point. "If I stay, what kind of job would someone like me get?"

"We'll go over job duties later if you're allowed to stay. Let's finish the tour." He points at their parking lot which is busy with activity. "You'll also get half a parking lot spot to set up a small stand. You can sell things to other members. We use these carnival tickets as currency because they're not easily scavenged."

Well, points can't be scavenged period. Then again, having something tangible as compensation psychologically makes you work a little harder because we are greedy by nature. Alright, I guess that's a good idea, too. Goddammit.

I see all kinds of banners above stands set up in the parking lots. Massage. Someone does caricatures. A fortune teller? What the fuck? People actually pay for that? I see a stand with some painted sign poking out of the top. "Bean Queen?"

"Yes. She makes gourmet meals with just beans."

God, if I never eat beans again it will be too soon. Pass. "I'm allergic," I lie.

"Well, we have the Jell-O Fell-O , too."

"The Jell… are you fucking with me? What is this place?" This must be a goddamn dream. I'm probably still back there passed out on the highway. "You people know the world ended, right?"

"We are very well aware."

I turn around to the voice as my hostility curves instantly. "Vin…" My eyes well up. God, she… she is even more beautiful than I remember. "I found you."

She adjusts wire-framed glasses I've never seen before. "I wasn't lost." She looks grown up as fuck.

"Can we talk?"

"You remember Ass Destroyer, right?"

I take a step back when I see the serrated blade at her side. "Please. I've been looking for you for six goddamn years. Five minutes."

"One."

I see she hasn't lost that smart mouth. "I'll take it."

"You know, I have to say I'm impressed you found me despite all the time you spend stealing from other communities. I figured that consumes a large chunk of the day."

"Christ, Vin, please. I fucked up."

"That's one I haven't heard before. So, you've come to steal from us, too? Demand tribute?"

"It wasn't like that. We… we protected people. In return, they gave us supplies."

"Yeah? They gave them to you? You forced that on them! Out of anyone, Negan, you should know better with what we saw with Salvation Sixty Six."

"I know," I shout. "I went about it the wrong goddamn way, but I did it for you. So I could give you—"

"When I left Sanctuary, did it stop?"

"...no."

"Then it wasn't for me. You selfish shit!"

"And I spent the last three years in jail because of it! I know it was fucked up, but I swear to Christ I only did it to give you a better life. Did it stop when you left? No. Because, at that point, I didn't give a fuck how far I had fallen. Vin, I'm not a good man. I lied to you for months about being married, I fucking cheated on my dying wife, I smashed a kid's brains in, I gutted another one. Fuck! I've done so many fucked up things… I've been on my own for the last year. I'm forty-three years old and don't have a goddamn thing to show for it except for a scarf and the picture of the woman who gave it to me."

"Where's Lucille?"

"She… the bat broke. I buried it, and closed that chapter."

"How do you have a picture of me?"

"That's really what you want to know?!"

"Your minute was up a long time ago, shitter."

I sigh at that fucking name. "You were in the paper for your efforts on helping the homeless. I cut your picture out and put it in my wallet. It's been with me ever since. Vin, you have to convince your leader that I'm worthy."

"Do you really think I'm the best person for that job?"

"No," I frown. "Let me talk to him. Please, even if I have to prove myself every fucking day, I will."

"I am the leader, Negan."

Oh... I am so fucked. Yet, despite the anger, there's a sadness in her eyes. I know that look because it's the same one I have.

That we've both lost so much time together.

That we don't know how we got here.

That despite everything, we both are very much relieved to see each other.

"I went to Sanctuary a few years ago."

My knees become weak hearing this. Knowing that she just needed some time apart.

"I almost didn't recognize it without the undead chained to it. I spoke to a woman there, but she said you left and that you wouldn't be returning."

"It's a fucking… long story," I frown. To think we probably just missed each other. "You didn't come back to kill me, did you?"

"No, Negan. I was angry back in Alexandria, and I'm sorr—"

"Don't please, Christ. This is my fuck up, Vin." It's just like her to apologize when I'm the one in the wrong. There's not a day that goes by where I haven't wanted to see this woman again, but it is a painful fucking reminder of how much I've hurt her. "It was wrong of me to keep you locked up and away from everything. Every day it felt like I was making an even worse decision than the one before and it all got so fucking far out of hand that I didn't know what to do." I take a deep breath to prepare myself for her answer. "Why come back to Sanctuary?"

"Follow me."

I start to wonder who all is here. How many people who were former Saviors that would love to see me dead. Or used as some kind of undead bait outside.

"There's something I want to show you." She opens her motel room door and the little girl with the big glasses that I met when I first came here appears. I already know the girl is Vin's, but inquire about her even though I can't deal with knowing the father is Niko.

"She's mine," Vin says, running her hand through the child's blonde hair. "Well, she's ours, Negan."


	32. Chapter 32

The small girl blinks up at Vin confused. "The stupid ass is Negan?!" She huffs the longest sigh. "Great."

"..." My attention turns to Vin. "She's five, insults people, and swears."

Vin shrugs. "What do you expect? She's yours."

At least Vin taught her to swear right. I guess she didn't take that pill after all.

"Mother, may I go do my chores now?"

"Yes, be back soon. We need to talk."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "You told her about me…"

"Select things. Redeeming qualities aren't your strong suit."

Fuck only knows that's right. Fuck me, I missed that smart fucking mouth. The fact that Vin tried to seek me out for the sake of our daughter means a lot to me, because it gives me hope that Vin and I can, at least, be civil.

I watch the child briefly as she's around the other children. She's so much fucking smarter than they are. She's witty like us. She's kind like Vin. She does what needs to be done like me. "What's her name?"

"Eleanor."

That fucking chokes me up. "After my mother."

"No, after this other shitter's mother I saw for a little bit."

I start to laugh.

"Some call her Ele for short. Or elevator."

"Why would it be between Ele or elevator?"

"When we scavenge, she likes elevators. Likes to push buttons like her father—"

I see Vin's lips moving, but I can't make out anything other than muffled sounds. Maybe it is just a culmination of everything, but I hit the pavement. Like my body can't take anymore.

* * *

When I come to, I have an IV in my arm. I almost died from dehydration. I would have died if not for Vin. Again. Like the sepsis thing. Like so many other times this woman has been there for me.

This bed is the most comfortable thing I've ever been in. And there's a nice cross breeze from the windows. My jacket is hanging over the armchair. My boots neatly next to the bed and I see my things from my bag are unpacked. Some of my things are on the nightstand. Others, I'm not too sure. It was kind of her to give me a room because she sure fucking didn't have to. I just hope whomever I'm rooming with will be as kind to me as Vin has been.

The front door swings open. "Put your tickets in your box, then come do your lesson," Vin says.

Oh god. I'm in Vin's room. I watch Eleanor take a panel from the wall, then she stashes her tickets in a worn shoebox. I actually had that exact same one at my house that my black harness boots came in. What are the odds? She reaches back in her box and pulls out a snow globe. Not just any globe. The one I gave Vin. "Vegan," she whispers. "Of course. Negan and Vin..."

Like I said, smart kid. My eyes close when Eleanor looks over her shoulder at me.

"Ugh," she gags, hurrying away from me. "Mother, the stench from his body is making my glasses fog up."

"It's not right to talk about people behind their back."

"Well, can we flip him over then so I can talk about him?"

"Come do your lesson."

"He smells like the undead in the summertime. Is his body rotting? You'll have to change the linens."

"Eleanor!"

"Christ, I'm awake," I groan, sitting up from the bed. I'm still a little dizzy.

"Drink," Vin says, handing me a glass.

I gulp down the entire thing in one tilt, which upsets my stomach even more. My finger points at a fan in the window before I hand Vin the glass. "You have electricity? Running water?"

"It's limited from the solar panels. The fans are something I allow everyone to use freely though. Running water, no. We have water for drinking, then water for bathing." She carefully takes the IV from my arm and sticks gauze and a bandaid in its place. I watch her dig in the dresser for my spare change of clothes. "Come with me. Eleanor, your lesson." Once I can stand, Vin takes me to a room at the end of the motel.

"I finally figured it out. A motherfucker."

I nod at Tex's words. "Yes. That's exactly what I was before the outbreak."

"Well, some things don't change."

I appreciate that Tex would even still joke with me despite her leaving that day with Vin. "I'm not that same man anymore."

"You look the same. Like shit, and smell like it too."

"Tex, keep everyone out," Vin instructs, opening the door.

"Yeah, Miss. I'll keep the others from drowning him." Tex winks at me.

Vin's adopted the same concept I did back when we first started and Tex watches over the restroom, only I did it more for the safety of our women. Never thought I'd be the one being protected. Hmm, well, this place is sorta a restroom. Looks like maybe it was a storage room for linens. There are also hookups for washers and dryers, but they've built three modified showers.

"It's simple," Vin starts, showing me how to hook everything up.

"What about a toilet?"

"Everyone has a five-gallon bucket with a toilet seat on top of it in their room, but there is one in here if you need. Out this door leads to another door built into our walls. Down the path, you'll find a large area where we've dug a spot to bury our waste. Let Tex know when you use the door so she can keep guard. I'll leave you to shower. You'll stay with me for the time being. I'm sure word had spread about your arrival and it's going to upset a lot of people. You need to address everyone tonight at supper. I'd start thinking of what you're going to say now."

"I lov—"

"Please," she begs.

I hang my head submissively and nod. "Ok."

"Shower. Then return to the room."

The entire time I do, I fear for my well-being. I'm not sure who all is here, but I've ruined a lot of people's lives. And I never meant to. I just wanted to lead. To be a good leader. Suppose I shouldn't waste too much time in thought since I only have a few minutes of water.

I haven't showered in almost a year. It feels… fuck. There are no words. I have so much more of an appreciation for Vin and her being homeless because it fucking sucks. Nothing is a certainty that's for damn sure.

After I'm dried and dressed, I step outside the bathroom.

"She misses you."

Tex's words make me stop and freeze. I can't afford more waterworks, but I'm not in control of them. "Would you forgive me if you were Vin?" I turn and face Tex.

"Not a fucking chance in hell. I've tried to figure out why she cries over you in the bathroom. Maybe she misses the dick."

I should laugh, but knowing that after six years Vin still cries over what I did, well, it fucking sucks. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but what the fuck do I do? "See you at supper." I catch a glimpse of Connor. He's got his arms folded as he stands in the doorway of his room. I try not to make any more eye contact with people and hurry to Vin's room.

"You can't knock, stupid ass," Eleanor snaps.

"You will show your father some respect," Vin chides.

Eleanor gets up and walks over to me. "You should still knock. We're ladies and you're not."

I sure feel like a big vagina right now…

"Eleanor, it's third day."

"Alright." Eleanor leaves us alone in the room.

"What's third day?"

"Of the week. She helps out with the aquaponics system we built."

"She's so smart."

"Yes, she is. It's just her mouth and temper that work against her."

"I'm sorry."

"It's my fault, Negan. I spend hours trying to ensure our community's survival, and it upsets her because she doesn't get all the attention she should, she needs."

"No, it is my fault. If I didn't make the mistakes I did, you wouldn't have had to do this on your own." I wait for her to tell me that I was a mistake, but it doesn't come. "You look exhausted."

"I am."

"I know I am on the thinnest skin, but let me help you. Rest. Please, Vin. You're no good to your community like this."

She has a seat on the bed.

I'm lucky enough to help her from her boots. I massage her feet until she's softly snoring. This is more than I ever thought she'd allow me. I guess I should work on that speech…

* * *

I'm not really all that hungry thinking about what's in store for me with this speech. The dining room falls silent once I enter it. Fuck, and I hit my head on the fucking top part of the door frame. Hurting myself amuses Eleanor, at least.

"Sorry, Miss. I fell asleep." Bull still looks half asleep.

"Do you need more rest?"

"No, Miss."

"Eleanor, take your tickets and get supper with Bull, then get a table," Vin instructs.

Eleanor reaches up to Bull as he swallows her little hand with his.

It hurts. A lot. Bull's purpose is what mine should be, but I fucked that up with everything else.

Vin goes to the front of the room to grab the attention of it. "I know a lot of you are angry to see Negan here. Perhaps even angry at me for deeming him worthy, but I think it's important that we remember a lot of us are here today because of Negan. Back when we were a community of twenty-four. I also think it's important that everyone express their concerns if they have them."

She deemed me worthy? Fuck. I… I can't give a speech now.

Connor shakes his head. "So now that he drove the Saviors into the ground and has no one, he's going to come crawling to us for help?"

"Negan is a monster," Carson adds.

Simon takes a step forward and snaps me a glare. "Out of anyone, you saw what Salvation Sixty Six did, yet you still attacked those other communities. You manipulated us into thinking we were in danger. You can rot in hell, Negan."

"How did he even find us," Niko starts. "Are the rest of the animals composing the Saviors on their way?"

Teddy steps out from behind Simon. A small child in her arms. "Twenty-five," she corrects Vin. "I remember that day vividly. Negan saved my life when he didn't have to, and the group became twenty-five. I'm alive because of Negan."

Simon's attitude completely shifts when he hears this new information.

Vin smiles at her friend.

I hear a voice speak up from the back. A voice that I will never forget. Rei. Rei was one of my wives, though I never touched her. When I found her, she was naked on the side of the interstate. A group had left her for dead after she had been brutally raped and tortured. I knew that she'd be safe if she was always at my side. That's why I asked her to be a wife. Rei tells her story, leaving out the part about being a wife. Just that I kept her safe. "He, also, didn't have to. Negan is a good man. I wanted to give up, but he didn't let me." Rei comes over and hugs me.

I kiss her on the temple and return the embrace. "I'm glad you're safe, honey."

"I missed you."

I smile back before she returns to her table.

Tex stands up from her chair. "I remember the day Alder threatened Vin. Put her on the ground and said he'd do unspeakable things to get at Negan. The second we got back to camp, Negan had a plan in motion. He got us out of there. Away from them. Gave us a chance. He found us a place to live, and it worked out for a good while." Still a motherfucker, she mouths at me.

That almost does me the fuck in. I can't believe this kindness right now. This goes back to what I said from the very beginning about treating your women right. The approval of Tex, Rei, and Teddy help curve the hostility from the other men and awards me a chance I am not deserving of.

"Then it's settled," Vin announces. "Negan will be accepted into Divine Intervention on a one week trial basis. Then we'll revisit this again and take a vote. Let's eat."

I'm relieved I don't have to speak because I have nothing prepared. Not for lack of trying. My only reason for wanting to be here is for Vin and her name is the only thing written on this paper.

She shows me over to the food.

It all looks delicious, but I don't have those coupon things.

"The red beans and rice are no charge, along with the cornbread. Everything else you spend your tickets on."

Of course. She would **never** allow anyone to go hungry. "Just rice and bread, please," I tell the server.

I'm really slow to eat because I don't have my strength yet. I'm also so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted from all this.

Vin breaks her stale moon pie in half and gives me some.

"Thank you."

"You're on repair duty tomorrow. It's the most difficult job. I'd like for you to be on it all week. Give Connor, Simon, Bull, and Niko a break, then you can start a rotation with them if you're still here."

"Alright."

"Carson is my advisor much like he was yours. He delegates work and tickets. See him when you're done with your shift to collect. After supper is when you're allowed to use your tickets for stuff in our storage room.

"I knew you'd put this world back together, Vin."

"One hundred and sixty-eight people is hardly putting it back together."

"Does that make me one sixty-nine?"

"Yes. I suppose it does," she smiles.

Eleanor has this constant scowl turned at me until Bull finally sits down. She giggles when he gives her a small cup of Jell-O. "Thank you."

She has manners? Shocking to me. I watch this man with Eleanor. He's kind. Patient. Loyal. Protective. Traits that are also shown towards Vin. I notice a ring on his finger. My eyes quickly shift to Vin's.

 **Unoccupied.**

Oh, thank fuck. Maybe Bull lost his family, but Vin and Eleanor give him a purpose? I just wish this other man didn't have to protect **my** family. I scoot a little closer to Vin.

She scoots her food to me. "Eat."

I haven't had fresh vegetables like this since I was at Sanctuary.

"Miss," Carson starts. "I'm sorry to bother you, but it's urgent." He's pretty nervous, but I think it's because I'm here. That and he just threw me under a fucking bus. "It's about room 19. Their electricity usage exceeds what's allowed."

"Give me last weeks purchases."

"I thought that too, but no additional usage was purchased."

"Very well. Connor?"

Connor rises from his table and walks to her side. "Yes, Miss?"

"Tell room 19 they are cut off until seventh day. Monitor the usage, then question them. If they're not honest, they will be exiled."

"Gladly," he smirks.

I watch Connor go deliver the news. "What does he do?"

"If the rules aren't followed, he will enforce them once more. If they are broken again, I will step in and exile the member or members."

"Miss, could we talk privately," Bull interrupts.

"Yes. Eleanor, stay with your father."

"His name is stupid ass!"

"Watch your mouth!"

She bows her head and folds her little arms. "Stupid ass," she mumbles.

I watch jealously as those two talk and feel worse about it every passing minute. "Would you rather have Bull as your father?" Yeah, alright, so maybe I'm prying a little bit about their relationship.

"I'd rather no one was my father. Mother and I are fine on our own!"

"I know you don't want me here, but your mother does. If you make her pick one for the other, that isn't fair to her."

"What do you know about fair?"

"My father died the summer I turned sixteen. I spent a lot of time angry over his death, like I was robbed. After some time passed, my mom would date other men. I hated it. I didn't like the idea of some man coming along and taking time from us. They weren't good enough for my mom, and they weren't half the man my father was." Even though he was a drunk, he was still there for me which is more than I can say for my own parenting skills.

It grabs her attention, like I'm reading her thoughts. "What happened to your mother?"

I let out a heavy sigh. "She died of lung cancer, and I didn't help being the jackass that I was stressing her out."

"What's cancer?"

"It's a terrible thing. A disease that destroys your body over time."

"Do you think about her?"

"All the time."

Eleanor frowns back at me. "I'm sorry she died, stupid ass."

"Yeah… me too."

"Eleanor, it's time for your shower," Vin says.

I know it's foolish, but I'm a little hopeful that the conversation we just had will lead to more. Never did I think being called a stupid ass would be endearing. I return to the room because I'm still not comfortable here. That and I doubt anyone wants to see me other than Rei.

Vin's couch is too small so I take the cushions and lay them on the floor, then use that as a bed. I know I need my rest if I'm going to be expected to work. When the girls get back, I pretend to be asleep.

"Did you change the linens from when he laid in the bed, mother?"

"No. I'll take that side. Sit down and let me brush your hair."

I want my place to be in that bed with them.

Neither Eleanor or Vin tell each other they love each other once it's time for bed. I know that it stems from Vin being on her own all her life. Before I came along, I'm sure she'd never heard those words before which, after all the things I did to her, why would she ever consider love to be a good thing?

"Stop pretending to be asleep," Vin whispers, laying beside me.

"Nothing really gets past you."

"A lot of things do."

I frown knowing that's directed towards me.

"You snore when you're on your back. That's how I knew."

I roll over to face her. Maybe it's silly, but her remembering little things about me makes me feel important. "Thank you for everything today, Vin."

"I had your clothes washed that you arrived in. That's not a free service, for future note. It's a way some of the older or younger women can work who can't do or don't want to do a lot of manual labor outside of our community. I suppose where you filled that position by collecting wives."

"Christ, Vin. Yeah, I did have wives. I know I could have given them bullshit tasks for points, but after I lost you well, fuck it, I thought." I knew it was foolish to be optimistic about us, but I also know she reserves the right to be mad as hell.

"That's the biggest pile of fuckshit I've ever heard. You don't see me with a harem."

"Yeah, yeah. We all know I'm a fuck up. Besides, I'm sure Bull would fuck you any which way you asked, Miss. You just replaced me with a submissive version!" I'm not even mad or jealous of Bull. I'm just saying shit to hurt her. Like I haven't done enough to this poor woman yet I'm purposely accusing her falsely to make myself feel better. "I'm a pathetic shell of a man, Vin."

"And an asshole." She sniffs up her nose.

"Please don't cry, I'm not worth your tears. I took the wives for a lot of reasons, but it was never in hopes to replace you. They protected me so I'd never get close to someone again."

"Did you ever sleep with Rei? She was a wife, wasn't she?"

"I **never** touched Rei. Christ, she wasn't even eighteen when I found her. Being my wife meant you were untouchable. And you didn't have to work for points. After what that poor girl had been through, Sanctuary can look pretty fucking scary. I just wanted to shelter her. To give her another chance after all that was taken from her. Did she tell you?"

"No. I guessed. When I interviewed her three years ago, she told her story, never names, but how this man gave her another chance at normalcy."

"So you didn't bring up the wives thing to take a jab at me?"

"No. I wanted your reasoning behind it and you took it as a jab."

"God. I **am** a fuckshit."

"You should get some sleep. You have a long day tomorrow."

"Can't we talk more?" I take her hand. It's cold. It's not even cold in this room. "Why didn't you tell Eleanor you loved her before she fell asleep? Did I ruin you that bad?"

"She doesn't like saying it at night. She says it sounds permanent, like we won't wake up and see each other again. She also doesn't like affection. She says that only weak people need that validation."

"You went to my house. Didn't you?"

"Yes. After not being able to get in contact of you at Sanctuary, I needed another way for you to be apart of Eleanor's life. I wanted pictures of you, but you didn't have any. Not even wedding photos. How did you know?"

"Well," I shift uncomfortably. "I started writing my thoughts down once Lucille began her affair with Dwight. Kept it in a journal. But like a manly one, ok?" I clear my throat. "The affection thing was one of the things I put in there."

"She reads from it often. Keeps it in her box. The snow globe is in there, too."

"I know, and she figured out Vegan." I kiss her cold fingers. "I love you, and maybe you don't want to hear that, but I never stopped. And if there's something I've learned it's that nothing is certain, and we might not get that chance to say it in the morning." She doesn't respond, but at least I said what I needed. "Goodnight."

Vin starts to get up, but then I feel her move against me. Her hand clings to the front of my shirt.

My arms swallow her. "I'm so fucking sorry." My lips settle on the top of her head. "I am such a fool. I missed out on everything."

"You did."

"What was her first word?"

"Ass," Vin laughs, sniffing up her nose.

I start to laugh, too. "How did you find out she needed glasses?"

"Little things. Being too close to her paper or book. She does this thing where she reaches up like she's grabbing at you so you get closer to her."

"That's what she did to me to get a better look at my chin. Maybe she needs a stronger prescription?"

"Possibly, yes. I'm always fearful for her sight."

I know that feeling. "Whatever I can do to help, Vin."

Vin and I talk a few more hours. I know I'm going to regret it come morning, but who honestly gets a third fucking chance? I don't really know where Vin and I stand, but I guess we'll take it day by day. I just know that if I ever fuck up again, there is no coming back and I have too much to lose.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N I really want to take a moment and thank you for all the comments. I try to reply to everyone, but I always come across as awkward because, well, I'm awkward. Anyway, I really appreciate it and it makes me even more excited to update. I'm also really surprised by the way everyone took to Eleanor. I thought she was really going to be hated.**

 **This chapter is more insight to Bull. Throughout this entire story, I just felt like Negan needs someone on his side. Let the bromance begin!**

* * *

During the first week on this repair duty, I realize the true meaning of exhaustion. I moved out of Vin's, my choice, after my first night here. I learned before when shit hit the fan to just give Vin her space. Turns out, Bull was kind enough to let me sleep on his couch. I didn't realize it before, but he's a heavy smoker. He just never does it around Eleanor or Vin which I'm grateful for.

"You want a drink?"

"Sure." I haven't had whiskey in so long. It's goddamn good.

He leans against the door frame as he has his smoke.

Usually, I'd appreciate someone that knew how to keep his mouth shut, but I'm just not in a good place right now. "Did Vin tell you much about me?" I guess that's a start.

"No. It's rare that she ever talks about anything personal, but I had an idea who you were. We scavenged your house. I saw your name on a piece of mail. Not many people with that name."

"I've really made some name for myself," I sigh.

"It's just going to take some time to build that trust with the group again. Except for Niko. He's not your biggest fan, but he's not really mine either. Little prick."

"I'll be yours if you tell me you fucked him up one side and down the other."

"I broke his wrist. Almost was exiled for it. Vin was upset because of something he did to her. I found him beating on her door, drunk out of his goddamn mind. I walked up as she opened the door. Her cheeks flush and her eyes red. She asked Niko to get away from her door and as she went to close it, he put his hand on the door to push it back open. So I snapped his wrist. The way I saw it, he deserved it."

I almost break this glass. "Fucking motherfucker." I grit my teeth and try to gather my composure because if I start some shit I know I'm gone. "I have **always** hated him."

"Vin said he looked after her and Teddy in the beginning, when everything started to fall, but that woman just doesn't realize how strong she is." He closes the door, then goes to the restroom to clean up some.

I notice the wedding ring again when he is drying his hands on the way back to his dresser to change shirts. "What happened to your wife?"

"What?"

Jesus, Negan. Don't piss off the only person on your side. "Your wedding ring," I better explain.

He acts surprised as he looks the metal over. "She left me for another man. I used to lead a small group of about a hundred and fifty people. When that time started cutting into our time, she found someone else to fill that void."

"That's shit."

"I don't even realize the ring is on until someone mentions it. Yet it always stays on. I tried to find someone else, but it's easier not to. Easier not to lose someone again."

"But you care for my family."

"I do. Very much. In fact, I had given up. Starving, left for dead, biters surrounding me. I just laid there and waited for them to take me. Then here comes this woman nine months pregnant. Machete in hand as she fights to save me, and she did. So now, I protect her and that little girl. I'm not trying to fill shoes your shoes. I hope you know that."

"I know, but it was shoes you shouldn't have had to fill." Wait a minute. He knew Vin pregnant? Then that means...

"Yeah… kinda put my foot in my mouth there," he laughs.

"If you knew Vin before she gave birth, that means you know who I am. You've known all along about the Saviors and all the shit fuck things I did."

"I do, but it's pretty obvious that despite it all, Vin cares for you. I see you as someone who just made a wrong choice. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's very easy to make the wrong decision when you have over a hundred hungry mouths to feed."

"And you've never once judged me... You even offered me a place to stay when **everyone** else turned their backs on me."

"Well, we never know when we'll need that kindness returned to us."

"Thank you, Bull." I extend my hand out to shake his. "What did you ask Vin at dinner the other night?"

"If she felt it was best that I keep my distance now that you have returned." He's actually a very decent guy. If Vin had any interest in him, I would be so fucked. "I'll be back in a bit. Help yourself to another drink if you want, Savior leader."

I roll my eyes at that goddamn name with a chuckle.

* * *

I'm kinda relieved when Bull comes back that I'm not stuck in my thoughts anymore. "Your neck is bleeding. Where exactly did you go?"

He laughs. "Relax. It's not from the biters. At least, not _those_ biters."

"Christ, I haven't seen a pair of tits in four years."

"I'd say several women are interested in you after that speech at dinner the other night, but I know you only want one. Smoke?"

I shake my head no.

"Sometimes they slip in here at night so, uh. Maybe you should pick up smoking and go outside when they do."

"I'm a heavy sleeper," I lie. I thought he was joking until one of them actually do let themselves in that night.

She strips down then crawls in his bed. "I wanna ride the Bull."

Jesus.

"Is that so, baby girl? Come on then."

Their fucking almost puts mine and Vin's to shame. My god! When this fuckery is over, I really do need that cigarette.

He slaps her on the ass, then gets his smokes. "Get dressed."

"I can stay."

"No, I sleep alone. You know this."

"Just thought I'd try." She gives him a kiss, then shows herself out.

Fuck, I miss Vin. Which I catch a glimpse of her in the morning. She faints, but Bull catches her and my heart fucking sinks. I worry so goddamn much about her. I know how stressful running shit gets. There's a medical room by the dining hall that he takes her too, then quickly comes out to distract Eleanor.

At the end of my shift, I go to see Vin, but she must have been released. Bull isn't back, so I lay down on his couch. I actually do sleep through the sound of him and this other woman that comes home with him after dinner. Oddly, it's the smell of his cigarette that wakes me.

"I brought you dinner."

"How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing."

That's not true. I owe this man everything for taking care of my girls. There's not a better man that I know for the job than him. "Did you see her today?"

"She fainted today. Heat exhaustion they said. Luckily, Eleanor didn't see it."

I respect he doesn't sugar coat shit, and that he was honest about her health. "Does Eleanor ever talk about me?"

He shakes his head no. "Give it time."

I feel as if I'm running out. Whenever I stare back at myself in the mirror, I don't see those boyish looks anymore. Just some sad fuck who pissed everything away. Who's tired. Who's alone completely because of his own doing. "How come you never tried to be with Vin?"

"Negan, I told you that after my wife I'm not looking for that. At least, not while nineteen year olds are crawling in my bed at all hours of the night," he grins.

"Which I will never heal from."

"Thought you were a heavy sleeper?"

"Not heavy enough," I laugh.

He plops down on his armchair and starts to clean his boots.

Then it's right back to my sulking. "I really hurt her," I sigh. "Like the worst human being you can think of. That's me."

"Then you know it's going to take time. You're here. With her. You're worthy, so give it its time."

"What if tomorrow I'm not? It's been a week now, and I'm a little fucking unnerved about that vote."

There's a knock on Bull's door, then two women slip inside. "Go for a walk, Negan."

I don't want to move, but it's not my room. Plus, I really don't want to be here for this fuckery. As I start to leave, Bull comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder as he leans in close to me. "The great thing about Divine Intervention, women outnumber the men."

The women are the only reason I'm still here. That means I might… actually have a chance!

He points to something off in the distance. "It's seventh day. Vin is always found at the table planning out the week at dusk." Then the door closes behind me.

I know that I'll never be able to repay Bull for the kindness he's shown me. I just know it's nice to have one person on my side. Someone that I can actually call a friend. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I've never had an actual friend before.

I'm nervous as I approach Vin.

Eleanor is beside her as she copies on her paper what Vin is writing. It's kinda... cute. "What's this mean?"

Vin runs her hand in Eleanor's hair. "You let me worry about things like this. Go play, my love." She leans over and kisses Eleanor's head.

When the spot beside Vin becomes vacant, I'm quick to claim it for my own. "Do I get a kiss, too?"

Her hand pats Ass Destroyer in front of her.

"Fifty fifty I might be into it."

"We tried that. You said you felt like a puppet."

"Well, that dildo was eight inches you tried to stick up my ass..."

"I know. God, I miss that thing."

"What about seven inches and a finger?" It's the most perverse twist of unexpected events as we reminisce our depraved nostalgia. "I was never happier sexually than with you."

"You just liked that I was untouched by anyone but you."

"Of course I fucking did. I'm a guy. We are terri-fucking-torial over what's ours." I sigh and turn away from her. It is beyond words how fucking painful it is to be this close to her and know she's not mine. And to know that she'll never be mine again. "Guess I'll let you work." I rise from the table and start back to Bull's room. I'm pacing for a long time before the girls leave and I step back in his room. It's so hot in here you can feel the air actually strangle you. One of the girls left their panties. A rubber is halfway slung over the side of the trash can. The bed is slid off some of the frame. A pillow has been discarded on the floor. Bull is on his stomach, face first in the bare mattress. Impressions from the girls' nails still red down his back.

If I wanted to, I could go after those girls. Recreate this same scene. The difference is he's happy. I'm not. I don't want that life. I've **never** wanted that life. Even as much as I fucked around on Lucille, all I've ever wanted is that one person to share my life with. Yet, I fuck it up. I always fuck it up. I swipe his bottle from the table and tilt the rest of it back. After a good bit, I pull it from my lips and choke from the burn. My stomach churns ready to make all this effort to get the liquor down in the first place in vain. I drop the empty bottle at my feet and sink back into his couch. Don't puke. God, don't puke. I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes.

The thing about liquor, it can knock you on your ass pretty fast, it just isn't any good at keeping you knocked the fuck out. I feel the couch move, then I'm straddled. Oh, god, no. Please stop. If I even so much as look at one of these women, let alone actually fuck them, it will fuck up everything. "Stop, no," I beg, until I smell her scent. Feel those lips against the thick skin of my neck. So fucking warm. They settle after only one kiss, but it still puts my cock at attention.

She shifts, her heat rubbing up against me.

I let out a harsh moan. My hands move around her slim waist and up her back. I lower my face against the crook of her neck and lose it. "Can I come home with you? Please," I sob. I don't think I've ever cried with an erection before.

Her fingers tangle in the back of my hair. "I'm scared you'll hurt me. I can't… go through it again, Negan."

"I know, baby. I'm so fucking sorry." I hold her closer. Tighter. "Why are you here?"

"You left so abruptly."

"It's too fucking painful to talk about us in the past tense."

She sighs against my temple.

"Uh," Bull stammers, "I can leave if you two want some makeup sex."

I know that's not an option for me because there's no way that Vin and I will ever get to that point again.

Vin scoots off me and takes my hand. "Walk me to my door."

I don't know if that's such a good idea, but I try my damnedest to walk as straight as I can. All I need is her thinking I've developed some kind of alcohol dependency, too. Though, I'm sure she can smell it on me.

The walk is nothing more than a cruel joke because Bull is the door next to hers. I can't even look at her to tell her goodbye and mumble down at her.

"Negan, I want you to spend some time with Eleanor. Will you do this for me?"

"Yes." Even though I know it's a fucking waste of time. That kid doesn't want to know me.

Vin reaches up and pulls me to her by my cheeks.

My eyes widen when her lips softly touch my jawline.

"Don't shit up." She places one more kiss along my jaw before I'm left alone.

I thrust my fists up victoriously before returning to Bull's room.

"That was quick."

"I told you, it's been four years."

He laughs and puts out his cigarette.

"She gave me a kiss. On the chin. I mean, uh," I rub the back of my neck. "It's middle school bullshit, but that's good, right?"

"Don't brush aside the small things."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Thank you for everything." I'm lucky in so many ways that I've lost count.

"Now we just gotta work on the other one. See, that's what you should be doing. You impress Eleanor, everything else falls in place."

"Vin says she wants me to spend time with her."

"I know that things seem like they're only going one direction, but I've known Vin a long time. She's different since you've been back. Better. Eleanor, too. I know the insults hurt, but I see the changes in her too. You're welcome to stay here as long as you want, Negan. Judging by the events of tonight, it won't be much longer," he smirks.

Sadly, he has known Vin longer than I have. She and Eleanor both. What good would it do him to lie to me? I just have to keep taking things day by day.

I go to sleep that night without my usual haunting thoughts, but I have the worst nightmare. It's this dream about my mom and Lucille. Both in the same hospital room, each dying from their cancer. My mom is in a bed farthest from me. Lucille in the bed between my mom and me. I'm on the floor by an empty bed, and I just don't have the strength to move. The hospital room door opens and in pours blood. Gallons, as it starts to fill the room. It's like some Shining fuckery, and there is no end in sight. I start to drown in it because I can't get off the floor from my grief.

I take a deep breath and snap open my eyes. "Fuck." Goddamn, that was shitty as fuck. I touch my hand to my chest to pull in a lung full of air.

"Bad dream?"

"Something like that." I run my hands down my face and get off the couch. Once I'm in the bathroom to pull myself together, I notice there's blood on my pants. The fuck? I tug my dick out but everything seems ok. I don't have any cuts either. The fuck is going on?! Why are my pants bloody?


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N I'm sorry.**

* * *

There's a knock on Bull's door and then in comes Vin and Eleanor. "I have an appointment with another community today. Please watch Eleanor for me, Negan," Vin tells me.

Eleanor starts having a fit. "What?! No, I want Bull to watch me!"

"No. Negan can't come with me. I need Bull to, and I need you to stop acting like this."

I want to go, why the hell can't I come? "Why the hell can't I come with you?"

"Because it's at the Alexandria Safe-Zone."

Well, there's really no way of arguing then. If they're even still there after that tornado.

I don't say a word to Eleanor all day because, like with Vin, my mouth just fucks shit up. Bull and Vin are gone a long fucking time before they return. Thank god.

"Thank god!" Eleanor runs over to Bull.

"Let's go to the pond, kiddo." He picks her up.

"Mother, are you coming with us?"

"No. I'm going to lie down."

Yeah, ok, so I'm kinda upset Eleanor didn't invite me. "Do you need me to help you unload supplies?"

Vin waits for Eleanor to leave. "I didn't go for supplies. I had an appointment with Doctor Harlan."

"Oh… don't you have a doctor here?"

"I needed an Ob/Gyn."

"Do you think, uh. Are you pregnant?" My stomach is on the floor at this point. Fuck! Why did I ask that?

"No."

Thank fuck.

"They'll be gone for a bit. Would you like to lay down with me?"

My face is so fucking pathetic and hopeful as I nod way too overzealous. I follow behind her like a lost puppy, waiting for her to scratch me behind the ears, but Vin falls asleep the moment she gets into bed. I'm pretty disappointed, but it's not like I can't use the rest myself after this long week. I didn't get permission to touch her, and she didn't curl up close to me, so I keep my distance.

Vin and I sleep until the room is almost dark.

"Miss? It's time for supper," Bull announces.

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, it's been a week. Everyone is awaiting your announcement on if Negan is staying."

"Will you do it, please?"

"I really think it would be best coming from you. And you must eat. Doctor's orders."

The fuck does that mean? Doctor's orders?

At dinner, Vin announces that I will be staying. It's a shock to me because, well, anything good I'm given after what I did is. Christ, I love dinner. Getting to see her stand up and give out orders. Fuck, maybe I should sneak off to Bull's room so I can fire one off. Who am I kidding? I don't even have the forearm strength anymore. I take another piece of bread, then start back for Bull's room.

Niko kissing one of the women by the beam at Bull's door would be the icing on this shit fuck cake. It just angers me.

He scoffs my way. "Concern?"

"I just don't understand why you'd waste your time with that when Vin is two doors down from you."

For a moment, Niko drops his guard and gets a rather somber expression. "I had a chance with Vin about a year ago. Fuck, I had a crush on her forever. I fucked it up. I got drunk and fucked this girl the night we had made plans to have dinner. I blew it."

That's when Bull broke his wrist. "You **stupid** son of a bitch. You fucking threw it away because you were drunk?! Do you know what I would do to have a fresh start with that woman? You never loved her."

"Whoa, I never said I loved her! I just wanted to stick my dick in her."

"You're even dumber than I thought."

"I ain't trying to get fucking married. We're all just looking for a good time with any woman who looks our way."

"Idiot." I never liked that motherfucker, and for his safety, he's lucky he went into his room before I wrap him around that fucking beam and tie him into a knot. My attention turns behind me when I hear the gravel move. Oh, fuck. No. Vin was standing there the entire time. No, Christ, she didn't hear that. But the look on her face says otherwise.

"You were right. That day in the motel room when you said he only wanted me for one thing."

"You weren't supposed to hear that." I'm going to strangle that fuck.

She takes a step closer. "You know, maybe you weren't honest about Lucille, but thinking back to that day when you were so upset that he was over my motel room has always stuck with me. I use it for the basis of comparison for all the other men and everyone has always fallen short. Now I understand it's because they weren't you." She wipes her tears.

I choke back my emotions so I can have some dignity here, but when I speak it all escapes. "I fucking miss you so goddamn much, Vin. I know that we have a lot of healing to do… again." I clear my throat. "But I'm not that same man. I learned from the mistakes I made. And they've costed me dearly. I've lost so much time with you. Time to get to know Eleanor even. I know you're tired of hearing this, but I fucked up. Only, this time, I can say with certainty it will **never** happen again. Don't say anything, ok? Let me show you."

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

She takes my hand and brings me back to her room. "Eleanor is staying with a friend tonight."

When I watch her lock the door behind us, it's that feeling of losing my virginity. "Trying to keep people out?"

"Yes. Otherwise, everyone is forever at the foot of my bed needing something."

Fuck, I know that feeling. My eyes widen as Vin not only takes off her socks and shoes but her pants. Her button up is long so I can't see the good parts.

"I'll return."

Thank you, God. When she does come back, still no pants and she slips into bed. "Well?"

I'm nervous. Don't be nervous. "Sorry," I flush, joining her.

I've always hated Niko until now. Even though it hurt Vin, his confession awards me another chance with her. In some strange way, he salvaged the feelings Vin had for me. I really don't fucking deserve this. And without that stupid bearded douche, things would be a lot different. Though maybe I'm just giving him more credit than he deserves. I know that this woman cares for me.

Her hand touches my cheek as my face nears hers once I'm beside her. "Being this close to you, I can see how these last few years have taken a toll. I don't remember these crows feet."

I tilt my neck up more to show her the scar on my throat. "It was shitty of Rick to slit my throat, but I learned a lot."

That actually angers her a bit.

"It's ok, Vin, really. I didn't realize it at the time, but I understand why he did it. Every day in the cell was worse than the one before it. But I needed it. I've changed a lot."

"I know you have."

"Can I kiss you, please?"

She shakes her head no.

"Can I pretend you don't want to kiss because you'd be so turned on you'd wanna fuck and you can't because you don't know when Eleanor will get back?"

"Ok," she struggles to let the small word surface. The exhaustion on her face rivals mine, yet she's too young to carry all this weight.

My thumb brushes her cheek. "Baby, I'm here. Let me help you. Don't carry all this responsibility alone, or you'll get crows feet too."

Even her smile seems worn.

I lean in and barely graze my lips against hers. "I love you."

Her lips capture mine.

It's brief before I pull away.

She pushes herself up by her elbows and steals another kiss.

Fuck, yes. "I want you."

She nods, laying back down on the bed.

I stretch to get my jacket because there's a rubber in the pocket. One from which was supposed to be used on a supply run Vin and I did years ago. Fuck, I hope it's still good, but the truth is, I don't care what happens. Maybe our next child I could do right by. I don't waste any time because I want her so bad. I scoot her panties aside as I ease myself in with a moan. However, it's not the reaction I hoped from her. "Are you ok?"

"It hurts."

"I'll go slow." I pull out some and just give her the tip. "Better?"

She nods as her eyes shut.

I unbutton her shirt, running my hand over her stomach and breasts.

No names. No gags. No choking. No safe signal.

I make love to this woman. Slow. Passionate. But something still seems off about her. I hope to Christ she's not regretting this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No. Just slower."

I am going slow. Any slower and, well, we wouldn't be doing anything at all. Despite her request, the closeness I feel is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

But she doesn't seem to share that with me.

Still, I can feel she's close. "Come for Negan, baby."

Her release is so bittersweet because there's this pain in her expression. When I feel her start to relax, I don't even bother with mine. I just don't ever want to see that look again. "I'll be right back." I shut the bathroom door and keep the room dark despite the light switch. My eyes close as I start to run my hand against myself thinking about her under me just now until I find my own release. It's not good, because it's not her, but I just know I need to get rid of my… situation. When I flip on the light, my brow furrows. The fuck? My hand… it's bloody. And so is the rubber. I clean up as best I can, then return to Vin. "Do you, uh. Well… you started your lady days." I take in her beautiful skin as she lays naked in the bed. "I don't deserve this. Any of this. Especially you."

"Well, you're not going to have it for long. It's not my period, Negan. I'm sick."

The last person that said those words to me… "...with?"

"It's endometrial cancer."

 _It's lung cancer._

 _It's pancreatic cancer._

 _It's endometrial cancer._

I close my eyes to trap my tears, but it doesn't stop them from falling. Every woman, that I have ever loved, I have lost. The common factor is always how I wasn't there for them. I can't breathe. I can't fucking… my chest. I reach my arm out to feel for the bed before collapsing on it. I caused this. Let me rephrase that. I allowed this to progress because I didn't take care of her. I let greed corrupt me instead of being there for her. I hang my head and let out a choking sob. That fucking dream I had, the third bed was Vin's. "Vin…" I try my best to pull it the fuck together. "How long do you have?"

"I'd imagine not long. Every day gets harder."

"What did Harlan say? Can he fix this?"

"With what? If I didn't have all these signs, I'd say Harlan was full of shit. And with what little we have to go by, he might very well be wrong. Or the cancer could have spread and be everywhere. I've been reading up on it myself. It's just all so convoluted."

"Did you fuck me because you know it's the last time?"

"You're angry about the situation and taking it out on me. It's just... bad timing."

"It's always bad timing with us," I frown and drop my head again. "I wanted to be there for you today. At your side when you got the news but I know that can't happen because of the egregious things I've done."

"We've all made mistakes."

"Yet I am still paying for them."

"Negan, my health is not your punishment."

I'm not thinking clearly. I am losing her as we speak, and I can't do anything to stop it! I wrap her in my arms and pull her to me so she's on my lap. "I'm fucking scared," I cry.

"Me too," she weeps. "You have to try harder for Eleanor, Negan. Because, soon, you'll be all she has."

"I can't do this without you."

"I need you to. Please. I've never asked anything of you but this."

"I know. Of course I will try, Vin. Uh… which… which one is Endometrial?"

"My uterus."

I have so many questions. So… many emotions right now, but I fall silent. I lay her back in the bed, then clean the blood between her legs up. She's lost so much weight, and she barely had weight on her to begin with. Even the short time I've been here, I see the effect it has on her body. I run my fingers over the faint stretch marks on her stomach and smile thinking about her carrying our child. How fucking strong she is to go through that shit in the apocalypse of all fucking places. "You're going to beat this because you can't leave all this behind. You still have to save the world."

"I'm so tired, Negan…"

"I know you are, but just hold on a little longer..."


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N Here's another short update until Monday.**

* * *

Holding Vin is the most helpless feeling because I keep feeling like at any moment I'm going to lose her. There's a forceful knock on the door, followed by a smaller one I hurry to help Vin dress, then open the door.

Eleanor comes in the room as Bull follows her. "Miss, Eleanor's friend became ill."

"Thank you for bringing her home, Bull."

"Thank you," Eleanor smiles at him, then hugs his leg.

I have to turn away at the sight. I guess this means I'm kicked out of bed so I take my seat on the couch.

"Miss, can I get you anything?"

"No, Bull. But please check on Sadie if she's ill. Make sure they don't need anything."

"Yes, Miss. Goodnight."

Vin closes and locks the door behind him.

"You've been smelling better lately," Eleanor tells me.

The compliment is unexpected. If you want to call it that. "I didn't come from a place with showers, so it's been a long time."

She lets out a heavy sigh. "Well, now I feel like an asshole."

"Yeah, you get that from me."

"Eleanor, get ready for bed. Your father can read you a story."

"Stop saying that! He's not. I don't even know him." Eleanor slams the bathroom door behind her.

Well, that was short lived. "We're not done talking, Vin."

"We are. Eleanor doesn't know about the cancer or that I'm sick."

"You don't have," I hang my head, "...cancer."

The cushion moves as Vin sits with me. "I'm sorry. I know this is a lot for you to take in. Especially with your mother and Lucille."

"It's a lot to take in because I love you. After everything we have been through, and now this? Christ, I knew it. I fucking knew that day back in the campgrounds that you were sick. That something wasn't right. If I had been more involved with you rather than stealing… I blame myself." As I lean in to kiss her, the bathroom door opens and I pull away.

"We have snakes."

"What? Did you get bit?" Vin checks Eleanor's arms.

"No. Its skin was in the toilet bucket."

My eyes widen when I remember I put the condom in there. "I'll take care of it."

"Wow," Eleanor says impressed. "You're not afraid of it?"

"No, but… it's good you are. At least until you're thirty-five."

"Why thirty-five?"

"Because you, uh, can't trust snakes. They're only looking for places to put their skin."

Her little arms fold. "What bastards."

Vin massages her temple with a laugh. "I'm sorry you didn't get to have your sleepover."

"They'll be others."

That kid's got a good way of looking at shit. Just like her mother. Once I return from bucket clean up, the girls have built a fort with the couch cushions. Well, shit. Now, where am I going to sleep?

"Goodnight," Vin says, coming out of the fort.

Oh, I get it now. Clever. "Sorry about the, uh. Snake. But it's nice to know she's never seen one in the bucket before. You know, maybe one some other man could have brought over."

Vin shakes her head and points at the bed.

I don't sleep that night. Instead, I hold her because I'm not sure how many more nights I'll be able to. Before the sun rises, there's a knock at the door. Christ. It's like the days back when I was in charge. Everyone at your door every five minutes.

Eleanor comes out of her tent and answers it. "I overslept." She rubs the sleep from her eyes.

"Come on, or we'll miss our window," Bull tells her.

I don't really know what that's all about, but I just leave her be.

"Goodbye, mother."

When Vin doesn't respond, that's when I start to become worried. "She's tired."

"She's always tired," Eleanor mumbles, closing the door behind her.

I reach over and flip on the light. "Vin, wake up." I nudge her a bit. "Vin, baby, open your eyes. Come on." I give her another shake.

She wakes up entirely disoriented.

I sigh relieved, but for how long? "You're going back to see Harlan. Today."

"For what? Stop it, Negan."

"No, you stop it, goddammit! I know you're scared, but did you talk about treatment options?"

She shakes her head no.

"I'm going with you. You can't understand what I felt just now trying to wake you up. Fearing that I was going to have to explain to Eleanor why she wouldn't get to say she loved you again. Now get up. I'll run you a bath in that ridiculous heart-shaped tub." And I end up in it with her. These moments make everything else seem so normal. I'm not thinking about undead, or the cancer. It's just us. "Will you please consider talking with Harlan?"

"This again."

"Goddamn right. And I'm going to keep on." I run the rag over her skin. "Please. I know you're thinking, it makes it real, but it's real whether you go or not. So, please. I'll be with you."

"You can't step foot—"

"I'd love to see them stop me." I know she has excuses because she's scared. "You don't have to do this alone. You will never have to do anything alone, Vin." That seems to solidify doubt and she gives me assurance that we'll go. Which, oddly, scares the fuck out of me because what happens when I don't earn that trust back before the cancer takes her. I can't think like that. I refuse to think like that.

* * *

The closer we get to Alexandria, the thicker the air becomes. And when I step from the truck, I just wait for a bullet. Vin's exhaustion is too great, so I carry her.

Tex came with us, along with Bull because I couldn't pry Eleanor from him.

Their gates are open, which we let ourselves in. That's when I catch a glimpse of the fuck who has taken everything from me.

"If you come any closer, I will shoot you, Negan," Dwight threatens.

"You fuck Lucille, you fucked me on the Rick thing, and, now, you're going to fuck me on this, too? Goddammit, Dwight!"

"You were a coach. You should know what three strikes mean."

My blood boils. "That supposed to be funny?!"

"You were a coach," Tex says confused.

"Not now," I snap at her.

Dwight holsters his gun and, for the first time, he looks at me like that first day we met. Without resentment or hostility. "I didn't know Lucille was your wife, ok? It wasn't like she came over and said, I'm unhappy with Negan, do you—"

"Fuck you, you goddamn knew. That entire fucking town knew what a joke I was… **because of you**!"

The hatred is painted back onto his face again and his hand goes for his gun.

"You try something, motherfucker, with her in my arms and I will fucking—"

Eleanor shoves Dwight before getting between us. "Can you two clowns shut your asses up?! My mother is in real pain here!"

"Stop. Everyone." Rick grabs Dwight's gun from his holster before Dwight can get it again. "Negan, take Vin to the infirmary."

The worry etched in Harlan's face makes me wonder if this is the last time I'll hold Vin. He does several exams and spends over an hour looking through books until finally, "let's talk about your options."

"Options? That's good," I smile at Vin.

"She has two. Surgery to remove her uterus, but I advise against that because we just don't have those kinds of medical capabilities now. We can't put her under which means enduring being awake while your body is opened and, well, you get the idea."

"So, the other option?"

"You know the other option," he frowns at me.

Which I'm certain Vin will choose. She'd rather spend the time with us that she has for however long it will be than do the procedure and die.

Harlan pats Vin on the back briefly before we're left alone.

I rub the back of my neck. "Your mind pretty made up?"

"I've never been more torn about anything. Yet, I see the benefit of no treatment more. What kind of a mother does that make me though? Not even trying..."

"I feel like you not getting it is a mistake. But if you die on that table, I don't think I could live with myself. You coming back home though means spending the rest of your life in pain. Do you want Eleanor to see you like that? This has nothing to do with you as a mother. This is shit fuck fucking luck. It's like damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ultimately, it's your decision, and I don't think either one is the wrong one. All I can do is tell you that Lucille died because there was no second option. Same with my mother. Your chance might be slim, but there is a chance. A chance for us all to finally be together."

Vin takes my hand.

So now we just wait to see what her decision is...


	36. Chapter 36

"I can still walk," Vin laughs as I carry her into the motel room. She decided not to go through with the surgery to remove the cancer. That the risk was too high and she'd rather spend her remaining days with us.

With emotions running high, Bull agreed to take Eleanor for the night so Vin could make arrangements after she passed from the cancer. She won't tell me her plans. Instead, she writes them in a journal for the community to read at a later time.

I'm scared for so many fucking reasons, and one of the main ones is because of Eleanor. Vin is going to sit with her later this week and tell her she's not just sick, but that it's cancer.

"It's very important that you try to make an effort with her tomorrow, Negan."

I know. I fucking know, but this kid doesn't want anything to fucking do with me. How is she going to take losing her mother and me as the consolation prize? "Vin, I want you to go through with the surgery."

"Negan, we've been over this."

"I used to think losing you on that table would be the worst thing, but I was wrong. Do you remember that day when I couldn't wake you up? I don't want that, Vin. Or god forbid Eleanor finds you. Don't you want to make love and it not hurt? The surgery will fix this. I know that shit is fucked and it's hard to think clearly, but we have to try." I pause before treading very lightly. "Lucille, my mother, there **were no options** for them. I know the chance is slim, and I can't even imagine the pain you're going to be in, but, Vin baby, we have a chance." I mentioned this briefly to her when we were back in Alexandria, but I want her to know just how serious I am about this.

"Ok... I'll do it."

I kiss her fingers before taking her to bed. There were other things that Vin and I could do, but I missed that connection we had being inside her. It makes me feel all the more guilty about what I did that ruined our time together. This hot kinky fuckery we could have been having for the last six years wasted. So here I am sobbing with an erection again… fuck.

* * *

I open my eyes when I feel Vin's lips against my ear.

"Please get dressed before Eleanor comes home and sees you." She gives another kiss to my temple before starting her day.

I'm just so goddamn exhausted from everything that I fall right back asleep. Whoops. And now I've got Eleanor staring down at me.

"Gross. You hug my mom naked?"

I rub the sleep from my eyes. "Kid, I'm not even awake and you're giving me shit. Neutral ground until the sun rises completely, deal?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

I'll take it.

"Why are you so much older than my mom?"

"I'm not **that** much older."

"I did the math. Fourteen years."

"Look, that shit doesn't matter when you love someone."

"But she doesn't love you. If she did, she'd say it back to you. Put some pants on, old ass. I'm hungry."

Goddamn, I mean, can she just fucking tell me how it is? Fuck.

Vin wants me to spend the day with Eleanor. It's awkward. I'm not father material, nor do I think Eleanor would ever allow that. "What are you doing?"

"It doesn't concern you, Negan."

"Look, kid. I'm here to fucking stay. So we can get along or just be fucked the rest of our lives."

"Lucky for me, you don't have long, old ass."

I don't know what's worse. That name, or my own daughter calling me Negan. "What do you usually do? Like go to school and shit?"

"I steal from other communities, and make everyone miserable."

"I deserved that."

"You're an asshole. Niko told me all about you. Leader my ass."

"Enough," Vin raises her voice when she comes into the room. "Go sit on your stool!"

"Why? Punish Niko!" She sits angrily down on the chair. "I heard Niko tell someone you're dumb to give the stupid ass another chance and I agree, mother."

I chase after Vin, grabbing her by the wrist when I catch up. "Wait! Vin, I know you're pissed, but truthfully, I deserve it. Niko probably thought I'd never find you guys. Now he's threatened and trying to cause issues. I'm done spending my time with games. Or being jealous or mad. Because I realize all that matters is having you. If Eleanor hates me for the rest of her life, I can't fault her for that. Just like I don't expect you to ever love me. What we have is more than I ever expected, but I know we won't ever get back to the days when you looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered. And then maybe you will, but that's when life fucks me and the cancer will take you." I can't speak anymore. Can't breathe. My legs give, and so do my tears as I sob like a child. "I'll be left here alone with no one, trying to raise a child who can't fucking stand me, and a bearded fuck laughing over my shoulder. An entire community wanting to exile me, but only keeps me out of respect for you." My fingers wrap around her shirt as I beg this woman on my knees. "How do I fix this shit? How do I make you see that I am a changed man?!"

"Alder," Simon calls confused.

Both of us look over at Simon. He's on the guard tower with binoculars.

I wipe my face, smearing my dignity across the back of my hand. Alder? "What?" I start for the tower. "That's impossible, I put him on my fence."

"I'm not mistaken. That's Alder. He's a biter though."

Vin goes out the front gates to see it for herself. She's in disbelief. "I didn't know you went back for them."

About the only peace I've had since everything fell to fuck. "After you shot me in Alexandria, we went back for Salvation Sixty Six. I killed the men by burning them alive in their compound. And drove Lucille in Alder's gaping trap. I hung him in the fence, but remember when you went back to Sanctuary? You said all the undead were off the fence." Yeah. That's him alright. No jaw having creepy looking motherfucker.

We nail a chain to the ground, then tie Alder by his neck. It's like an undead tether ball as he walks in circles. We put signs on him as a warning to those who rape or pillage.

"Negan—"

"I need a minute to myself," I tell Vin. Everything that's happening right now, I've just got to process the shit, and wait to be alone with Alder.

I know if Rick had his way, if the Saviors had their way, or any of the other communities had their way, this could very well be me. Before things fell, life was pretty cut and dry. You go to work so you can buy shit to distract you. You don't steal, murder, cheat. It's a whole new world now, but I need to stand up for old world values. It doesn't have to be the way that Alder made things. Hell, the way that I made things. It's just so fucking easy to fall into a routine like that, especially when everyone is looking to you for the answers. "Good riddance."

* * *

I knock softly before letting myself into Vin's room.

She closes the book she was reading Eleanor. "Please, go with Rei. I need to speak to your father."

"To the stupid ass," she mumbles.

"Stop this. Now!"

"Alright," Eleanor sasses before closing the door behind her.

Vin rubs her temples. "I blame you for her mouth."

Oh, bullshit. "I call bullshit on that one. This is karma for what a fucking smart ass you are. So, naturally, your child would have every ass name in the book nailed down."

She rolls her eyes with a laugh before becoming serious again. "Why did you go back for Salvation Sixty Six?"

"That was always the plan, Vin. I just got a little turned around along the way. Lost sight of who I am. I think trade with communities can be a good thing, but I went about it the wrong way."

"I'm sorry for shooting you. Truthfully, I accidentally did it, then got scared when that man threw me to the ground."

"I killed him for it. I was just so fucking angry at so many fucking things, but I am relieved to hear you didn't want me in the ground. Christ, I missed everything in your life. Taking care of you when shit fell to fuck. Being there for you when Eleanor was born. Now you're this badass leader of this fucking amazing place, thriving. It's so clear that you've never needed me. You're so fucking strong, Vin. You're going to beat the cancer. I know you are."

"Hmm, maybe you should leave before you jinx me."

"Fuck, you're probably right," I sigh, sinking my hands in my pockets. "If something does happen and you don't… uh. I'll take care of Eleanor. I know she hates me, but I'm never going to stop trying. I love you, Vin."

"I love you, too, Negan."

"Oh, great," Eleanor sighs as her hands slap her sides in a pout.

"Rei. Now!"

"Alright, I'm going! Jeez."

As soon as Vin turns around I claim her lips. Please don't let those words be the first and last time I hear them…

* * *

 **A/N I will have another update on Thursday.**


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N Every chapter from here on out is like my favorite chapter, lol. So this is my favorite chapter.**

* * *

Today is the day of Vin's surgery and I am a goddamn wreck. I'm trying to be strong for her. Trying to impress Eleanor.

Vin announced a very controversial decision last night at dinner that upset numerous people. While she recovers from the surgery or god forbid something happens to her, I am in charge.

A lot of people looked towards Simon and Bull so it surprised even me. Niko threatened to leave and Bull told him to go right the fuck on. Niko later apologized, but maybe he ends up in a ditch on the way back from Alexandria. What people don't understand is Bull doesn't want to lead again, and I'm the only one here experienced enough. But that's all smoke and mirrors. I know Vin made that decision so I don't do something stupid like take my life if something happens to her. Even if something does, I have to be here for Eleanor. Despite how much she hates me, she is all that I will have.

Vin hasn't had anything to eat in days to prepare for the surgery, and she's already lost another fifteen pounds from it. Her eyes and cheekbones are already sunk in. That's what I worry about most. Lucille dropped almost fifty-five pounds with the cancer. Vin has nothing more to lose, and she needs her strength if she's going to have any chance of recovering.

The closer we get to Alexandria, the more I understand her decision not to go through with the surgery. My leg bounces up and down for the length of the truck ride. My jaw is sore from grinding my teeth.

Eleanor took the news about Vin's illness by shutting down entirely. We still haven't told her it's cancer.

I'd give anything to hear stupid ass come from her mouth. Anything… because I can't lose everything again.

Once we arrive and are settled at the infirmary, I give Eleanor as much time alone with Vin until she comes out of the room. I've never been this unnerved as it becomes my turn to say goodbye. Part of me is sorry I put this in Vin's mind about the surgery. I'm being selfish because I'm so goddamn scared.

"Since when are you the quiet one?"

I'm trying so desperately to find that place where I'm able to shut off everything again. I just can't this time. "Is it too late to go back home?"

Vin gives me a worn smile. "Regardless if we stay or go, I don't have much time left. It's weird to say that, but I feel it. Like my body knows."

I wrap my arms around her. "You just focus on you. Not the community, or Eleanor. This is your time."

"Worst vacation ever."

"Shut up." I go back to kiss her four times. "I can't wait to fuck that tight hole."

"See if you can find that dildo again."

What kind of fucking way is this to talk to someone knowing it's the last time you're probably going to see them? I'm an idiot. I just know if I don't shield myself with humor, I'm going to fucking break.

"I love you very much, Negan."

I force a smile as I take this woman in for what might be the last time.

She removes her glasses and hands them to me.

"Vin… I promise in the next life I'll take better care of you."

"I'm not making that mistake again."

I let out an annoyed groan and grab her tit before I start towards the door. As I grip the doorknob, my eyes well up. "I love you, too." I don't look back because I know the look on my face and I don't want her to see me like that. As I close the door behind me, I gather my composure for Eleanor.

She stares blankly at the infirmary doors. Still silently in a daze.

I try to tug her hand but she's not budging. "Eleanor—"

"After mother dies, I'll have no one!"

I reach for Eleanor again as she struggles to get away. "You'll have me."

"I don't want you! Help, someone, get this ogre off me!"

I shove Niko so hard, he trips and somersaults when he tries to interfere. "Don't you ever put your hands on me, Niko." I get down on one knee and hold Eleanor by the shoulders as she fights to get free. "I'm fucking scared, too, ok?!"

"No, you're an asshole!"

"Yeah, well, guess what? The apple doesn't fall motherfucking far from the tree."

"I don't know what that means!"

"It means you're my daughter whether you like it or fucking not, which makes **you** an asshole **too**! We're fucking stuck together forever. I told your mom I would look after you so get fucking used to my stupid ass face."

Eleanor sighs heavily. "It means all that?"

"You're also just like her with that smart fucking mouth when I'm trying to be serious!"

"Fine!" She plops herself down in the chair. "Well? Are we having fun yet? Are we bonding?"

"Fuck you, Eleanor." Yeah... I went there.

"Fuck you, too, Negan," she mocks me. "Stupid ass chin," she says under her breath.

"Stupid glasses."

"Stupid widow's peak!"

"Stupid…" Fuck, I can't think of anything else.

Niko stares back, wide-eyed. "You guys are fucked up," he says, walking off.

It makes Eleanor laugh. "Stupid beard," she mutters.

My lips part as I look down at her. That's my girl. "It is stupid."

She tilts her head some curiously. "How did you push him so far?"

I shrug. "I'm just strong."

"Will I be tall like you, or short like mother?"

"I don't know."

"I just hope I'm strong like you."

"Your mother is strong, Eleanor. Trust me. You want her strength, not mine." Though the compliment was nice. Speaking of. "You should mix up your insults. For example, I like to call Niko a bearded douche."

"Douche is?"

"Uh... it's like a tool."

"You'd know."

Well fucking played. I have a seat next to her. "Prick is good, too."

"Bearded prick."

"Good girl."

She giggles and moves her hand a little closer to mine. "I like to fish."

"What?"

"You asked me one time what kids do. I like to fish."

"I never went fishing before."

As she explains how to fish and the best time of day, her fingers curl around some of my hand.

I smile and curl my fingers back around hers as I listen to how excited she is. Now I understand why Bull comes and gets her early every morning.

"...that's pretty much all the kinds of fish I caught before."

"Do you eat them?"

"It depends on the fish. Some you have to throw back. You just learn stuff as you fish."

"Christ, you're so fucking smart."

"It's just fish." She swings her feet some in the chair. "Will you come to my sixth birthday this year?"

I guess that question fucks me up because while I might be able to, what about Vin? "Yes," I reply.

"Why have you been gone all these years?"

"Because I wasn't a good person, and I needed to learn what being a man meant before finding your mother."

"So you were a woman? I'm confused."

"No more questions right now. Let's just sit here and send your mom good thoughts, ok?"

"Alright."

Which now I regret because I'm just sitting here, staring. Waiting. Alone in my thoughts. Until so much time passes that Eleanor sleeps through the entire night and wakes up again. All this time waiting has to be good, right?

"Did you hear mother's screams, too?"

I nod because I can't get the words out. Vin's screams were the worst when Eleanor was, thankfully, asleep. As morbid as it is, at least her screams meant she was alive.

"I don't hear them anymore," Eleanor frowns.

I don't either and haven't for hours. It's not until noon that we finally have answers. But judging by Harlan's face, those answers don't look good.

"I'm sorry," Harlan starts, "but we had to take everything. She can't have any more children and this throws her into early menopause."

That's what he's sorry about?! "So she's alive?!"

"Move," Eleanor demands, pushing Harlan on his stomach.

"No. You cannot go in there. She needs to make a full recovery first."

I don't really understand that, and neither does Eleanor. "How long?"

"Eight weeks, though I'm certain it will be much longer. Eight weeks was typical back when we had medical advances. Vin is in an excruciating amount of pain that we can only do so much for and she doesn't want to scare anyone. It's also good if we keep the room as sterile as possible."

"But, I want to see her!"

I pick Eleanor up as she starts to cry. "No tears, four-eyes. You're strong." I look down at Harlan. "Will Vin be… will she?"

"For her to pass now would just be a cruel joke. I'm afraid there's not much that you two can do, so you better go home. I can keep Bull updated—"

"You can keep **me** updated. I'll be by in a week." I know there's bad blood between Rick's group and me, and even worse with Harlan because he saw me transition into Alder. I just hope, for their sake, they can look past all this shit. Because **no one** is going to keep me from Vin.

* * *

I have a seat on Vin's motel bed with a sigh. I didn't say a word on the ride home. Now I understand what Vin meant that she needs me to be strong for Eleanor, but it's so fucking hard when you might be losing the person that you love. And then even thinking like that is not fair to her. Harlan said she should be ok, but this life hasn't been too kind. I'm not living in some fucking delusion. Who has their goddamn insides taken out with fucking cavemen tools and survives the shit? I'm so angry at everything.

Eleanor has a seat beside me. "I didn't tell her I loved her."

"Stop reading that fucking journal. Eleanor, I was angry when I wrote that. Christ, I wasn't even in your life and I've fucked you up too."

She's quiet for several minutes before speaking. "Does mother have cancer?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. Like I said, smart kid. We told her that Vin was sick, but still haven't that it's cancer. "Yes." I think about my conversation with Eleanor when she asked how my mom died.

 _What's cancer?_

 _It's a terrible thing. A disease that destroys your body over time._

She slips her fingers under her glasses and starts to sob. "Her body!"

I kneel in front of her, touching her shoulder. I'm certain Eleanor is about to flee, but she moves against me. My arms wrap tightly around her. I close my eyes to enjoy a moment I don't know if I'll ever get again once she doesn't let emotion take over her. "I love you very much. I'm here for you."

She nods and clings to my shirt. "Don't let go."

"I won't." I kiss the top of her head. "I won't…"


	38. Chapter 38

I'm getting better at this hair combing shit. Only had to redo it three times today until her ponytail wasn't crooked.

"Decent," Eleanor smiles in the mirror at me.

I'll fucking take it. "Let's start our day." I've realized from my time with the Saviors, that safety in numbers is nothing more than insecurity. I kick out several people. By several, I cut our numbers in half, and a lot of the members are on thin skin. Some of the people don't agree, but I don't give a fuck. Clearly.

Lieutenants will be given special room incentives. That incentive? A bigger space. It's also my attempt to salvage the mess I've made with Simon, Teddy, Carson, Tex, and Connor. Except for Niko. Fuck Niko. Oh, and Bull will be getting one, too.

The person who lives above Vin's motel is sent to live in another room. "We're going to make this a two story. Something nice for your mom to come home to."

"Right," Eleanor agrees, putting her tool belt on backward.

"We're going to build some stairs. It's simple enough once the pieces are cut right. Measure twice, cut once. And for fuck's sake, don't use the goddamn saw unless I'm with you. This shit is fucking serious."

"Fucking serious. Got it."

It takes twice as long having her help me, but at least we're not fighting.

"Are you going to marry mother?"

I shake my head no. "I'm already married."

"Where's your wife?"

"She died of cancer before the outbreak."

"Then you're not married anymore."

Well, I guess she's right about that. Actually, I never thought about it. I guess, because, why on fucking earth would Vin want to marry me? "Don't you think your mom could do better?"

"Who? Bearded shit prick Niko? Skidmark Connor? Shitstache Simon?" She's been on this tangent lately about insulting people with shit names.

I don't question what she says anymore. I'm just lucky not to be called stupid ass. "So, you're saying I'm just the best option then?"

"There might always be someone better for you in another community. But it doesn't matter because it's what makes you happy. My mom laughs a lot with you. I used to think she was laughing at you, but I think she just likes to laugh with you."

"Hey, that's enough with the nails. You're nailing the whole goddamn thing."

"Where will I sleep?"

"Upstairs. It's safer because we're going to block off the railing so no one can get to you."

"I want a fishing pond."

"You can't put a pond in here."

She points at the heart-shaped tub. "What's that then?"

"That's something men use as a seduction tool."

"I don't know what that means."

"And you won't. Not as long as you're my daughter. No dating until thirty."

"Mother isn't even thirty."

It makes me think how sad it is knowing Vin has to go through menopause at such a young age.

"Great fuck," Eleanor says when she hurts her thumb with the hammer.

As I watch Eleanor, it also makes me sad because I want more children with Vin. I just need to realize how lucky I am though. Vin is alive, and I'm not hated by my daughter.

"What are you thinking about? You're not going to cry, are you? Because I can leave."

"Yeah, go play a bit. Make your birthday list."

"I'm not having my birthday until mother is home."

My eyes follow her from the room as I sigh heavily. I know I said I'd be back in a week, but I can't wait any longer to see Vin. I tell Rei and Teddy to look after Eleanor, then travel to Alexandria.

I'm greeted, or rather, threatened by Dwight. And he's not the only one as Rick's men start to gather around Dwight to block me from getting farther inside the open gates.

My hand balls into a fist as I start to tremble from how fucking angry I am. If I do something stupid, it could have negative repercussions on Vin, but I meant what I said. **No one** is keeping me from her.

"Let him through, or you'll answer to us," the most unlikely of voices threatens.

I look back over my shoulder to see Connor. He's the one who spoke, and he's not alone.

Bull, Carson, Simon, and Tex also stand with him.

What… what are they doing here? I don't know if they feel sorry for me or what it is, but I do know it's been a long fucking time since I've had people to back me up.

"Let them pass," Dwight murmurs as he chokes back his pride, and all of Rick's men return to what they were doing.

I'm still in disbelief knowing they followed me. "What are you guys doing here?"

"What's done is done," Simon starts, "and all that shit is in the past. It's pretty clear that you need people behind you, not against you more than ever."

I look at Tex to wait for motherfucker to leave her lips but it doesn't.

"We got you, Negan," Connor tells me, but part of me thinks he just came to rough someone up. That one has a screw loose or something at times.

Simon nods my way. "It's not that we didn't before, you just didn't go about things the right way. Still, it doesn't do us any good holding a grudge. None of our hands are clean anymore."

I know I came here for Vin, but this is pretty fucking incredible. To have people back me up when I need it the fucking most. To know I leave here with more than Bull at my side. "Thank you."

"Well?" Bull shoos me with his hand. "Get going."

Right, fuck.

Vin's room is vacant, so I let myself in. When I see all the machines and medical chaos, my tears give. "Vin?" She must be asleep, and I feel guilty for calling her name.

"Get out," Harlan says under his breath. "You cannot be in this room. She has an infection right now."

Infection? I'm yelled at again once I crack her door open to peek inside. "Well, what if I wear all that doctor shit?"

Carson folds his arms at his brother.

"Alright..." Harlan brings me back a bunch of sterile shit. Sterile shit that's made for a normal sized fuck.

The others help me in them, but I feel like any movement and the shit is going to rip. I do this weird waddle into her room. It's hard to breathe with this mask on and with how heavy I'm breathing because I hate seeing this woman like this and it's working me up. Now I kind of understand why Harlan didn't want me coming in here. If something does happen to her, this is how I'm going to remember her. "I love you." I give her a kiss on the head through the mask, then waddle back out, my paper shirt ripping when I close the door.

Ironically, I feel like this is a metaphor. Like my strength is wearing every time I try and take a step forward. I tear off what hasn't ripped and chunk it in the trash can outside before hurrying out of the house Rick has set up for the infirmary.

I lean over and grab my knees as I try to catch my breath. That's when I see Bull's boots step next to me.

His hand rests on my shoulder. "You need to know that this isn't your fault. It's cancer, Negan."

Maybe hearing that come from someone helped a bit. I know I've said it before, but I'm very thankful to have someone like him. And, now, a group of men and women to back me up.

"Do you want us to look after things so you can stay with Vin," Simon asks.

As much as I want to, and as goddamn grateful that I am that these men have sided with me, I need to go home and be with Eleanor. Vin is strong, and she's never needed me. It's Eleanor that needs that guidance. "No. Let's go home, boys."

* * *

I find Eleanor in the room with pillows everywhere.

She sighs frustrated. "I've been trying for five minutes!"

I see she also has my patience...

"Will you make a fort like mother does?"

For the record, I suck ass at this.

"Terrible." Eleanor is pretty self-sufficient in getting ready at night, but I still follow her around. That is until she retreats in the fort.

I can't fit in the fort, so I just crawl in the front part of it. I lay my head close to hers and close my eyes. After Eleanor is asleep, the barrier breaks and I start to sob.

Only, Eleanor isn't asleep. Her fingers run in my hair to calm me down.

"I'm sorry." Pathetic. I turn on my side and move Eleanor in my arms. "I just miss her a lot tonight."

"You have me right now."

She's right. I might do everything the wrong way or backward, but we're in this together. "Yeah, I do," I smile, kissing her forehead.

"Goodnight, Negan. Thank you for my fort."

It's not father, but it's not stupid ass either. I'll take it.

* * *

 **A/N With the holiday next week, I will not be updating. I hope everyone has a wonderful time. See you in the New Year!**


	39. Chapter 39

Every day for twelve weeks, I spend three hours in the morning scavenging supplies myself. They go in the back of a 53 foot semi trailer. The day Vin wakes, that's when I'll give the supplies to Rick. I can't bring their people back, but I can at least give back some of the supplies I took. And a full semi should fucking be pretty close. Well, maybe not. But, hey, they're not exactly fucking innocent either.

After three months, I am run the fuck down. Especially with Eleanor, going back out for supplies, and dealing with the community. It left about 4 hours a night to sleep. But I'm also not lugging around a pregnant belly like Vin was in her final months. If she can do it, I can, too.

Sometimes, my exhaustion is so great, I pass out in the back of the semi. It usually doesn't last more than a few minutes.

"You're running away! But, what about me," Eleanor shouts, startling me awake.

Damn, I thought Teddy was watching her! "This is none of your concern!" Fuck. I could lie and say it's for them taking care of Vin, but I tell Eleanor just how awful of a person I was when I was with the Saviors. What I did to Vin. How I cheated on my dying wife. How I basically did the same thing Alder did.

"And she still loves you? I'd tell you to kiss my ass."

Shocker.

"... but I learned the hard way, it doesn't matter who you were before. It matters who you are now." Eleanor wraps her arms around my leg. Like all the times she's done with Bull and I've been jealous.

It's a pretty goddamn good feeling. I hoist her up and put her on my shoulders. "Let's go home. I'm starving."

"Fat ass."

"Enough with the ass insults. Your mother is going to kill us both. You swear ten times as much before she had her surgery."

"It's been twelve weeks. Harlan said eight. I didn't get my birthday wish."

"When was your birthday?"

"Today."

"Oh… why didn't you tell me?"

Her little shoulders shrug. "Can we go see mother?"

Every time I go to see Vin, it's always something else. I haven't been back in two weeks just because I can't face Harlan telling me something has happened. "She just needs a little bit more time."

She rests her hands on my head. "At least I have you, stupid ass."

"You'll always have me, little girl."

"I'm six now. I'm all grown."

"Right, of course. Let's go celebrate what's left of your birthday."

* * *

After we eat, Eleanor wants to fish.

Add this to my growing list of failures. "Ow, fuck!" This goddamn hook went in my thumb.

"Yeah, I've done that." She helps me get it back out which is just as painful. "You need to be more patient, Negan. Fishing isn't about as many fish as you can collect. Relax. Think about the best day of your life."

"Teaching your mom how to drive my car."

"Will you teach me how to drive it? I can see over the steering wheel now."

Huh? I look down at her confused at what she just said. "What do you mean... _now_?"

"Well, I used some pillows, and I can't reach the pedals yet, but I'll grow more bigger."

"Eleanor, what are you talking about?"

She looks at me curiously, then her eyes widen. "Oops."

My heart starts to race as my face warms.

"Well, I didn't know she didn't tell you!"

"Show me."

Even after I lift the rolling door of this shed, I stand rooted in disbelief. My car. It's… like nothing ever happened to it.

"Why are you just standing there? Come on," Eleanor tells me, tugging my hand.

"Who did this?" I run my fingers over the hood.

"I did," Bull says behind me. "Vin said it was at this storage place. I had my own body shop before everything, well, you know. Took me about two years, which I'm not too proud to admit that but considering the limited resources..."

"I helped, too," Eleanor frowns.

"Yeah," he smirks, "she did. They didn't make too many of these cars so it was rewarding to see it come back to life."

I'm speechless. I love this fucking car. And I feel like nothing has ever been the same since it went away. "Does it drive?"

Bull shrugs, filling up the tank with their ethanol they've made. "This is something Vin was adamant about it being your moment."

I feel so fucking guilty standing here without Vin, but his words are not lost on me. She didn't have the car rebuilt so I could thank her, she did it so I could have my car. However, I can't help but have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like with the revival of my car might just come at the loss of someone very important to me. That someone being Vin. Is this her gift to me before she passes on?

Eleanor puts her hands on her hips. "Well, are you going to drive it or what?"

I stare down at her with a smile. "Fuck waiting another week, let's go get your mother."

"That's what I'm saying!"

Bull asks if he should come, but I know that this is something she and I need to do on our own. He agrees to look after things while we're gone which I appreciate considering his opposition. Christ, if I had men like Bull from the beginning, would I have fallen so far? Though I suppose that's not fair because I had the greatest support system of all in Vin and I fucked that up. When Eleanor honks the horn in this small shed, it startles both me and Bull. "Fuck. Cut it out!"

"Well, come on then, slow ass."

I slide into the seat and still because I never thought I'd be sitting here again. I locked it in that storage shed knowing I couldn't afford to ever fix it.

Eleanor tugs on my sleeve. "Why do you look sad?"

"It's just a lot to take in is all."

"That's how I felt when you showed up. You're a lot to take in."

I start to laugh. "Keys?" As she wakes up on her third attempt, my eyes fall closed at the rumbling of the engine. Goddamn, I missed this car.

"It's too loud," Eleanor shouts, covering her ears.

"I know," I smirk, pulling out of the shed slowly. As I turn on the road, I fishtail before evening back out.

Eleanor quickly puts on her seat belt. "You're going to wreck it again!"

"Mustangs are bad about that."

"I'm only six. I haven't even lived a full life!"

I roll my fucking eyes so hard. "Just enjoy something most people will never get to experience in their life."

"Lucky me."

If Vin can't come today, I'm leaving this child in Alexandria, I swear.

When Eleanor and I pull **safely** through the gates of Alexandria, something is wrong. I park down the street from the infirmary. "Stay here. I mean it, Eleanor. Do not leave this car," I order her as I start to notice the facial expressions of Rick's men.

"She didn't deserve it," someone sobs.

My stomach sinks at the words. Oh, god no. And not today on Eleanor's birthday.

"She's so young."

After those words, I take off towards the infirmary and break the door into it. "Vin," I scream. It's empty as I draw closer to Vin's door. When I grip the doorknob, my head bows. "Please, not today. I'm not even asking for myself. I'm asking for that little girl. Don't take her mother from her today." As I step inside Vin's room, my tears give.

Vin gives me a smile, sitting up slowly from the bed. "Finally, my glasses." She reaches her hand out.

The… fuck? I blink back at her as if I don't expect these to be our first words in twelve weeks. My arms engulf this frail woman. "Fuck your glasses!"

* * *

 **A/N I originally wanted to end this chapter on a cliffhanger, but I know that this has become a very heavy story and I didn't want to do that to you all. So while it's a brief reunion, the point is for you to have the assurance going into the final chapter that Vin is alright, and she's going to survive. I will update chapter 40 on the 7th. Thank you, everyone!**


	40. E-Vin-lution

**A/N No chickens were harmed, only startled, in the making of this chapter.**

* * *

"I missed you, shitter—"

Sometimes the only way to shut a woman up is to put your dick in their mouth. Ok, I'm joking, and pull away from our kiss. "I haven't seen you in twelve weeks and I'm already annoyed." I hand Vin back her glasses. Thank fuck she's ok, and I know that is fucked up considering these people just lost someone, but I have lost enough. It's time that I become selfish about what's mine, and for mine.

"Mother!"

This kid doesn't listen for shit. I catch Eleanor mid-flight in her jump and carefully place her on the bed with Vin.

"Happy Birthday, my love!"

"I missed you," she cries.

"I'm here now. I promise."

Watching these two together has been worth all this agony, and even more so that Harlan says she can go home. Not that I was taking no for an answer...

We're joined by Rick and one of his men who have brought Vin a wheelchair.

"Rick," I start, digging in my pocket and handing him the directions and keys away from everyone. "There's a semi trailer here. I've filled it up entirely with supplies I've scavenged over the last few months. Just so we're clear, this isn't for taking care of Vin. It's giving back what I forced my men to take from you and your communities." Not that I'd expect him to say anything, which he doesn't. Just that stoic nod of his, but it is followed by a very discreet handshake. An understanding.

However, Vin does get a vocal reaction from him. "We'll come to Divine Intervention in a month after you've rested up some. I'll bring Harlan for a check up, and we'll talk about starting trade if you'll agree to it."

"Negan is a part of my community, Rick, and an important one at that, so it's something your men need to be cognizant about when you arrive. I think the better question is if you'll agree to it."

Well, fuck. I mean, that was endearing as fuck for her to say. By forming an alliance with me it really inhibits her trade and not just with Alexandria. It's just nice to know her feelings for me are that strong, especially since she's not facing death. That forgiving me wasn't because she was ill.

After Vin says her goodbyes, I wheel her outside.

"You brought your car?"

Oh, shit, I wasn't even thinking. "I'm sorry I didn't wait for you."

"It's not about me, Negan. I know you love this car because of the things it represents. This is about being able to have a second chance at something for you."

It's meaningful as a motherfucker. The selflessness of this woman always amazes me. I help her and Eleanor inside the car before taking my place in the driver's seat. My hands run along the steering wheel before I start the car.

"Oh, wait. There is one more thing." Vin takes something from the glove box and hands it over.

It's obvious it's a license plate. I narrow my eyes at Eleanor. "Does it say stupid ass?"

Eleanor shrugs confused.

I take it from the cloth and flip it over so I can read it.

 **LUCILLE II**

Oh, goddamn. I… didn't expect this. Mostly because I don't ever expect support from the now woman in my life towards a very important one from my past. It just goes to show me how lucky I am to have a woman like Vin. I know it's a fucking car, but it's a metaphor for being able to take care of Lucille in all the ways I never was able to before. Thank you, I mouth down at Vin because I'm unable to form actual words. I have made every wrong choice that you can imagine and I have paid the price dearly for it. The car isn't the only second chance I'm given today. I have my family back. Actually, I just realized something. "Vin, Lucille hated this car." And now here it's called Lucille II. "She said it was a piece of shit that's only purpose was to pick up eighteen year olds."

"Well, I can always make a plate that says Negan."

"Shots fired," Eleanor giggles.

We are one weird family...

* * *

 **ONEISH YEAR LATER.**

* * *

I moan, tensing up at Vin's touch. "Just do it," I grunt.

"Are you sure? What if I hurt you," she frowns.

"You won't hurt me. I'm ready."

"Well, ok. Maybe if you take a deep breath before I do it."

"After some discomfort, it's worth the pain. Trust me. It's going to feel good."

"You've done this before?"

"Yeah, a couple times."

"I could get Bull—"

"No! Ugh," I groan, followed by instant relief once she pops my shoulder back into place. "That's it," I sigh, finally able to breathe again. "Thank you." I fell down the goddamn steps when I tripped over one of Eleanor's toys. Oh, the joys of fatherhood.

"You scared me!" Vin slaps me on the shoulder I dislocated.

I scared her? "Ow," I frown, then practically jump out of my skin from a loud explosion.

Connor comes rushing into our room. "Miss?" He coughs out feathers. "There was a fucking… well, you'll just have to come see it for yourself."

Eleanor shoves the snow globe to the side of the couch and takes off towards the door.

Am I the only one who noticed he coughed out fucking feathers? Once we're all outside, I realize why. Apparently, one of these smart fuckers were working too closely to the chickens and the explosion from the chemicals caused all the feathers to singe. None of the chickens looked burned or are injured, but watching all these men chase around a bunch of chickens is some shit that I find amusing as a motherfucker.

Vin adjusts her glasses like what she's seeing is a joke. "What the feathered fuckering fuck?"

I shake my head at Vin. "Why don't you leave the swearing to me and Eleanor?"

Eleanor looks horrified. "Now we're going to have undead chickens. I just know it. This is exactly how a fuckening begins!"

A what the fuck? "Uh, on second thought, how about everyone leaves the swearing to me?"

"Eleanor, bed," Vin orders her before giving me a kiss on the cheek so she can go tend to chicken fried fuckery.

I, for once, am happy not to have to deal with a fuckening or give a fuckering fuck.

"Will those chickens be ok?"

I nod at Eleanor. "They'll grow it back. I think. Actually, I'm not too sure how that works."

"I'm going to have nightmares."

That makes two of us. A naked chicken… it's just not a sight I wish to have ever seen. "Look, it's going to be ok. That's not how the outbreak started, and they're not going to turn. Only humans can turn."

"Will I turn?"

How do you tell your child that we all turn? That it's inevitable. At least I know one thing is for certain though. I stare back at her and shake my head no. "I'll never let that happen to you as long as I'm alive."

She exhales heavily. "Well, that's only like two more years."

"Shut up and get the fuck in bed." As she starts up the steps I can't help but laugh. God almighty, help me with these two girls.

I never realized how in life sometimes you get the shit fuck end if the stick, but it's what you take from even the bad. Losing my mom steered me back on the right path. Losing Lucille prepared me for the way the world is now. Almost losing Vin helped me mend the most important relationship of all. I smile down at Eleanor. "Goodnight, four-eyes. I love you." I trade out her glasses for the snow globe she sleeps with, then stuff all the sheets tightly under the mattress like she likes.

"I love you, too. See you in the morning, father."

* * *

 **A/N Thank you so much for all the reviews and support. I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed the ride. I don't think Negan did, lol. Well wishes in this New Year! -217**

 **(Oh, I started a Jim Hopper fic if you're interested.)**


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